To change the world one step at a time

A reminder of why I'm a musician:

2011-03-31T12:30:00.000-07:00

Today, I played The Way I Am on ukulele in Music Therapy Experiences class despite being sick. The assignment was to bring a song of significant value to you and of course I had to choose an Ingrid Michaelson song, to choose anything else would not have done justice to my musical tastes. Anyway, we each had to play our chosen song as a solo, and then as a group we would play it again, this time with the rest of the class on different instruments backing us (the soloist) up.

Side note: I never usually get nervous when performing. Sometimes, I try my best to be humble and give others a shot at the spotlight ,hence my hesitancy to perform alone at times. I’d never want to make anyone uncomfortable because of my talent.

But today, something was different: I was nervous. Maybe it was because I am sick or maybe it’s on account of I hadn’t practiced this song before class but, something made me nervous to play this. Then I realized, it’s because the words…I used to take the song as a promise to a lover or as a promise to a friend but what I was really using it for, today at least, was a promise to myself. I will take myself “the way I am.” And that’s simply all I can do. I’m done trying to explain myself in terms of my sexuality because I’m so much more than that. I don’t have to figure that out right now because I’ll continuously grow and learn about myself along the way. I’m a person with so many feelings other than lust and shallow needs/wants. I have hopes and dreams and plans.

When it came time to have everyone back me up, let’s just say that it was magical. I don’t think I’ve ever heard such a beautiful version of this song when the people were harmonizing with me as they listened. Someone played piano, someone sang harmony, someone played a clarinet, others percussion…My classmates may not know me well but they truly listened to what I was doing and made it into something even more beautiful. Which as silly and poetic as it sounds, demonstrated to me how I must not only rely on myself but let other people love me “The way I am” to make me shine and become more lovely with the help of those around me. Or I could totally be overanalyzing this. Either way:

“Music is what feelings sound like.”

Now, I'm getting ready to do the opening number for a dear friend's senior voice recital. Not only do I feel honored that she asked me to perform a silly ukulele song at such an important beginning of her classical career, but I feel blessed to have her--this incredibly talented, beautiful, kind, and gentle young woman--as a friend, mentor, and someone I know will be in my life for a long time.
"I've never known a musician who regretted being one. Whatever deceptions life may have in store for you, music itself is not going to let you down." ~Virgil Thomson

Thinking of you (with total sincerity)

2011-03-30T17:06:00.000-07:00

You eat at me like the mumbled words you say in passing. Is that fear I smell or have I just completely gone insane?

Your smile cuts my heart in half; one fourth laid on the table to be consumed by passing worms and flies, another taken with you like the wind—gone.

Gone, you’re gone. I remain. Not the “I” that you know so well, but the “I” that took those pieces back and stitched them like a patch on a backpack and made something that’s seams are so flawless yet especially defined.

Enjoy thinking of me. I certainly don’t when I think of you.

Spring Break Salt Grains

2011-03-12T09:42:00.000-08:00

I feel like I needed this week in my hometown, to remove myself from situations, put myself into others, and truly assess my life. I've done a lot of thinking and know what I need to do now to keep myself sane and happy. Happiness is key. I know how to get out of this rut I've been in and remember the ways that jump-start me and remind me of myself, my goals, and the kinds of energy I want to surround myself with.

I've also taken this time to realize that I no longer see gender in normal terms. I can't imagine myself with someone of either sex. I just imagine myself with this caring, loving person, capable of so many things and for striving for personal achievement. And this, this is beautiful to me.

Things I must renew: my self worth, my body.

Tomorrow, I return to home for the second half of this hellish semester. Wish me luck.

Giant

2011-02-22T19:49:00.000-08:00

The things we think set us apart only bring us together.
Eating disorders, bad break ups, homosexuality, lack of motivation, ignorance, unrequited love, apathy, self pity.
Misery adores company. It's even in it's slogan.
But once we go beyond that magnetism, we find that the core uniqueness of ourselves lies in something that no one can ever define. Something unpredictable. Unplanned, if you will.
What sustains us, what motivates us, what angers us, what pleases us, all are just little fragments of the giant that we each title
Myself.

Circles.

2011-02-21T14:05:00.000-08:00

In circles,
your fingers swirl.
Round and round
on open skin.

Each touch electrifying me,
but resist I must.
My own sanity comes first here
and
you would drive me nuts.

Each impulse drives me towards you,
but realistically, of course, I pull back.
Guilt.
Need.
Inconsistency.
Want.
Ding-ding-ding, the high school day is over in 12 minutes.
You remove your hand.

It's so easy to say that
It's complicated.
Say something.

More February Poetry

2011-02-19T19:58:00.000-08:00

Napkins spinning round,
blue chipped nailpolish,
soft fingers,
beautiful fragrance,
you find the ways to make people fall for you.
But fall the cards go only
in your mind.
~
Give me a hand,
I need some connection.
Contact and change,
love,
lust.
You sing through your wit, but only I know you are
serious.
No one else can read you,
I took the key and locked it.
And then swallowed the key whole.
Rip off my skin,
into my stomach,
through my intestines,
and steal it back.

To-Do List.

2011-02-15T19:46:00.000-08:00

Begging at feet, you slip
into the grooves.
Attention,
something that no one can ever give you enough of,
you need to
survive.
You breathe out music notes,
and sigh with timely precision.
Bursts of insecurity
flush
through your cheeks as your comfort level decreases.
Thinking of the other night,
you smile,
knowing that you almost added another notch on your planner.
"Things I've done,"
"Things I need to do,"
Things to do...

I wanted to pretend but you weren't fooling anyone but me.

2011-02-06T17:48:00.000-08:00

Numb toes and frozen cheeks, we trek
Past cars and street lights
on the road with
No side walks.
Where's the solid ground?
It's all icy,
slipping
wet,
no traction
for my racing
feet.

But, we made it through.

Long ago, you would snarl at me with your pearly white teeth,
the cast is set,
you, the wolf,
me, the wide-eyed girl,
as I mistake your snarl for a toothy smile.
You can smell the fear
leaping off my skin
from my sin.
You devour me whole yet
leave little life left lying
within me.
Just enough
so I still feel the agony of your touch.

But, we made it through.

Stating facts,
you masquerade
past my ever ripening eye.
I can see past your lies now.
So,
I left.
Enjoy the burn
and the ashes.

The Future. Tomorrow, maybe?

2011-01-27T14:42:00.000-08:00

I wish to be invaded. I wish to be entwined with someone who knows me. All of me. The things that many others don't know about me, I wish for someone to know. I want someone to capture the wild parts and tame parts of myself alike. I want to be plumaged and left a mess. Then, I'd be sure I'm actually feeling and then I can put myself together again. I like that process.

I'm looking for companionship. No questions asked because they should already know the answers. No daunting small talk, let's skip that please. I'm looking for a friend who will be a lover, someone to be there to hold my hand and cuddle anytime we're both free too. Someone who will help ignite my passion and continue to fuel it so that my creativity never diminishes. Inspiration not suffocation. I'd like that an awful lot.

For myself, I'd love to not be so hard on myself. (Awkward wording?) I'd also love to be free to be me in every philosophical and literal meaning of that. I'd love to not be so lonely when in a crowded room. I'd just adore completeness with myself.
"I'm looking for something to fill the holes"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_t68m5k9J_U
"I will fill my own holes..."

Alright, now onto "Girl, Interrupted," homework, and sleep.

The Present. The Now.

2011-01-27T13:59:00.000-08:00

I'm tired. I'm tired of being the cute and funny one, the best friend, the person who people look at from afar and admire. I want someone to break through the plastic bubble surrounding me and really GET me. Take hold of my heart, rather than the opposite way around. I'm tired of failing tries on my end. Especially now in this new place where I'm struggling to take hold of my own self.
...

I get butterflies in my tummy when I think of you, when I see you, when I sit next to you, when I speak to you.
The future Carolyn Thorn, I love you.

Just Thoughts on Past and Current Dislocation of Soul

2011-01-27T10:51:00.000-08:00

Dislocation: Past.
I'm misplaced. Caught up in my ever insane mind, I can't get out or even find where exactly I am in here. There's no internet, no GPS, no maps, I'm left stranded with only my gut directional sense leading me deeper and deeper out of sight. My colorful clothes and shiny personality no longer have the means to keep me in the light, I'm falling into anonymity and the worst part is I'm okay with that. This isn't fair to those who claim they love me, I know, but certain things are harder to survive.

You don't love me anymore, but rather think of me with a bitter taste in your mouth, you told me this over a text message. Jealous that I have potential as you sit there burnt out. I'm breaking free yet getting further lost. At least this time I'll be sober, more than I can say about you. I don't pity you anymore and you don't admire me anymore, that's how come our connection is broken. Was that really love or were we both just using each other to try to feel something real in this pathetic existence. I did love you, but you were never in love with me. You're too selfish to share anything with anyone. I'm not bitter, however, I'm just finally fully aware at how my love has always gone unrequited. I want to be touched again. Not just physically but deeply touched. I want to smile using all of my heart. I don't want to search for this, however. I want someone to find me.

On my mind...

2011-01-22T13:06:00.000-08:00

I want to know if you remember what you said to me in my dream as you took my heart and split it in two? You don't? Damn, it would have made a really great lyric and would've made us both infinitely connected in my mind. I guess that just wasn't meant to be.

Good thing dreams aren't reality, in this case, at least. All I want to do is crawl back in the sheets, avoid the world for a little while cause you crushed me with your words. The worst part was that I let you, in my subconscious of course.

I want to feel your skin on mine. Yours so soft and mine so gentle. Why were my two dreams last night so real? They've left me haunted.

Why do I always want the people that I can't have? More importantly, why are you such a good person? Torture. Pure torture.

Thoughts in Class

2011-01-18T20:43:00.000-08:00

Why smile when you're not happy? Don't try to hide yourself from me, the one who knows you best. A venti sized coffee bursts through my veins as my mind is flooded with things on my to-do list. My attraction towards those around me pulls me in directions I never would have dared to go. My bladder now full with classes imminent end slowly flushing forward. Tick-tock-tick-tock, 20 minutes left. Way too long a time in a class where the teacher's political correctness of herself takes more effort than the actual material being taught. Her gum chewing has grown to be an annoyance I cannot notice, like when someone says "like" or "um" ALL of the time.
After all, it's not that her jokes are bad, it's just the awkward delivery that ruins it.

Buying Joy

2011-01-17T10:15:00.000-08:00

I wish you could go into a store and tell a clerk what you really need like happiness, good health, love, companionship, fearlessness, endless smiles, and hugs whenever needed. I wish that after telling the clerk that, he or she wouldn't look puzzled at your request, but instead, without hesitation, hand you your bags, you pay, and everything in your life would be grand. I wish that was how life worked, however, my wishes are considered far fetched.

Sure, you can go into a store, buy fancy things that are either out of your price limit, or if you have no price limit-really "affordable," that will make you feel great for about 10-15 minutes. Then, reality slams you in the face and you are left alone with your Steve Madden boots, Gucci purses, or whatever the hell it is that you bought. True, undeniable contentment is not something that is easy as 1-2-3. It's hard work. Sometimes it is so hard that people search and search for shortcuts that will make their life seemingly better. For some people, finding the contented state will come easy. Especially those who seek shallow, picture "perfect" needs. But, for the rest of us fools, we will be working and striving towards true happiness for the whole of our natural born lives. Sure, we'll lose our way and stray from our dedicated path but, ultimately, we will find our way back to the things in life we really want--our true, natural needs.

Try that on for size.
Peace and positivity,
ct

Travel Back

2011-01-15T20:53:00.000-08:00

So it goes.
It's my last night in my room at home before I embark in round two of the crazy adventure that is college and I am more than excited to return. Of course, I am reflecting on my life's past moments and future career while listening to some light, melodic lines made possible by Ingrid Michaelson.

I was just thinking how I never really want to be "just a singer." Like, if I was ever given the chance to be in a recording studio and record my own work, I'd want to be part of the WHOLE process rather than just the singing/performing. I'd want to play ukulele, help mix it, and help insure that the product is something that is true to the intention of the music. I'm more than just a pretty face that can be publicized and sold and I need to remember that. If I'm ever in a band, I wouldn't want to just be the lead singer, I'd wanna play an instrument, count off AND sing.

You may say that this sounds greedy, but what I believe it's all in my yearning to learn and grow and flourish and become the best in everything I can be. And that strong want, that is what I believe is greedy in my dream. But tell me, who's dream isn't greedy?

I guess what I'm trying to say is the one thing I need to keep in mind is that I can never box myself into one aspect whether it be singing, psychology, ukulele, writing, acting. If I only do one thing, well, that is not how I dreamed my dream. My dreams are more complex than any sentences can hold. And isn't that the beauty of it? The magical part of that is how my dream is not tangible whatsoever at this point in my life, but as I keep striving, I know I'll be able to feel it's warmth and bask in my personal glory. One day.

And then, maybe, I'll travel back to this moment now, in my mind, and smile a contented smile.

Peace and positivity,
ct

What love really means...

2011-01-07T12:37:00.000-08:00

I gave up 5 days of my life to go on retreat at Capuchin Youth and Family Ministries to help with Habitat for Humanity. But it was so much more than escaping reality. It was incredible. Utterly incredible. Brought back my faith in humanity and renewed lots of friendships with people I hadn't seen in a while and met a whole bunch of great people.

I built cabinets/counters for this transitional housing apartments (3 in total) carried bunches of doors up three stories and helped to get lumber from a lumber yard/through away scrap metal. Lots of work and sweat but so worth it, knowing that one day a family will be living there.

~ct

The Sky is Falling!!!!!

2011-01-01T20:00:00.001-08:00

Now that I've grabbed your attention, pay a close amount of it to what I'm about to explan.

Hypothetically, you're in a relationship. Where you ADORE, utterly adore and are in admiration of your partner, and the partner is only there because you are cute looking yet feel so strongly for them. Well, slowly, but surely, the great feeling the partner has, about being adored in such a strong way, will collapse and will in turn be replaced by first, confusion, and finally, suffocation. Both partners need to adore each other in such a way that you can bend a little before someone/something breaks.
Admiration=Suffocation?

Just thinking out loud, in blogger form.

~ct

Lessons&Resolutions (just your stereotypical new years' eve)

2010-12-31T20:20:00.000-08:00

Not to be sentimental at all but here are a few of the many things that I've learned this year:

Letting Go is oh so important.

Lies spread like wildfire.

I don't have a gnome down under, if you know what I mean. ;)

Graduating high school doesn't give you entitlement, it just makes you more confused.

I love The L Word and Freaks and Geeks.

If they mess with you, give em hell. Or you could forgive and forget. Either is an option pending on how much sleep you have.

Tomorrow doesn't know what's coming.

I have met the greatest people EVER in college.

I love singing more than anything else.

Confidence makes you SEXY.

Red lipstick/makeup also helps as a confidence booster.

Be nice to the earth.

Karma is like that bitchy best friend who will always come to you at the most inconvenient times.

Chipped, blue nailpolish has been on my fingertips all year.

Playing the Ukulele, I feel most connected to the world. It's the realest feeling, I've had.

Most important thing I've learned: Carpe Diem.

And now for resolutions:
Same old, same old.
And: Be free to be ME . The me I want to be.
Sing a new song-Each day. If you can't sing it, cause you can't find it in existance already; write it.
Learn to bend a little or you will break.
Don't search for love, let it find you.

Don't wanna let go, let go, let go of you...

2010-12-24T09:17:00.000-08:00

The "you" in that title represents my former self. I could care less about my past relationships cause they are in the PAST. Although, each one has helped to shape me into the person I am today...
ANYWAY, Currently, I am listening to Sara Barielles' new album, listening to "Good Enough" by Bess Rogers, eating Yoplait's light yogurt, and procrastinating the wrapping of the finale christmas presents for TOMORROW. Tomorrow? That seems so close yet so far. I'd like to see if I did, indeed, get a new ukulele. Because if I didn't I might explode since I left Mark at school. Which means, I've only had Betsy to entertain me. Oh yea, Betsy is my guitar if you didn't get that.'

Oh, and now my mama bought me a candle so I'm watching that flame. Anything is more interesting than doing what I'm supposed to. Actually, I do enjoy watching flames, that might have something to do with the fact that I'm a minor pyro.
"I'm an ocean, you're the rain."
Listen to First Aid Kit...they be rockin my brain and my itunes.

Also, random though again. THIS FLAME IS SO COOL.
No, I'm not under the influence of anything but this flame.

I was hoping to make this post meaningful but since my thoughts are so scattered I'll have to try again later.
Now, for creativity. In wrapping. Fail.

Merry Eve of Christmas.
Why doesn't Adam get a day?

Rant on Children's Movies Started By a Midnight Snack

2010-12-21T21:18:00.000-08:00

Whenever I eat a Gingerbread man, I think back to that scene in Shrek where the poor cookie is under questioning by the creepy, short king who threatens to take his gum drop button. I mean, who does that? That’s so cruel and heartless. Scenes in movies like that make me feel uncomfortable. And I don’t even have children yet. What if one day, I’m in my living room with my spouse and see sexual innuendos galore in a children’s movie. Cause we all know that these movies have them. Grease, anyone?! Do we laugh in front of the child? Or shake our heads disapprovingly? Or ignore it completely? God only knows what I’ll do when the child becomes a teenager and realizes that those are indeed sexual innuendos and that we, as parents, were misinforming them. Will that turn their childhood upside down and lead them into greater resentment of the people who brought them into this world? Cough cough myself and one other? Or will they think me dull and not smart enough to have caught the joke? Well, we all know me and my pride so the latter will not occur. Oh, I can see the therapy costs already.

I also love how I can see how this whole thing is inevitable in my child-raising future. I mean, how do I skirt away from this situation? Not let them watch Disney classics or TV in general? I couldn't do that even if I bled to death in an attempt for it. TV is everywhere. SEX is everywhere. So, let's just face the facts head on and start Sex-Ed in kindergarten...That way there will be no lies. And only truth. But is the truth to much for some to handle?

Gah, so many questions and thoughts brought upon by my munchies.

Smother me with Christmas Cookies

2010-12-21T13:04:00.000-08:00

I think I'm officially pooped...and the cookies aren't even decorated yet. Actually, scratch that, I AM utterly exhausted. When I agreed, unconsciously, to make cookies today with my nieces, I was not aware of what that really meant. After melting butter, cracking eggs, and adding the powder to make the dough actually become dough, I had to use oodles of flour to get the stickiness from my hands and off the pan. Three and a half hours later, I finally finished cleaning up the kitchen since it has to be spotless for the arrival of family and clean enough for Mama to come home to.

Oh and I just remembered that sometime between now and the actual day of Christmas I have to finish shopping and wrap all of these presents. When is Christmas again? Oh yea, four days. Splendid.
This holiday is more stressful than it's all cracked to be. For what? A few hours of family togetherness and wrapping paper strewn into pieces all on the floor and to feed ourselves into oblivion? Awesome. I also believe I'm in the middle of a sugar coma right now...too much frosting in my system.

Mission accomplished, I guess. The sun just set and I'm still not wearing a bra nor have I showered. I also think I've worn this shirt to bed for three days which isn't bad, but considering I was in it for most of the day today, it's grotesque. Not at ALL burlesque as I so desire to be, every minute of everyday. Haha just joshin y'all. All I desire, right now, is to record "Die Alone" and finish the music video I started yesterday. That's a hint of what's to come.

Started baking: 1:00pm
Ended: 4:53pm
Phew.

Peace and positivity, my Carolyn Thorn enthusiasts.

What was the best advice you've ever received?

2010-12-18T14:23:00.001-08:00

"I am I, with all the individuality of an earthworm" ~Sylvia Plath
haha well, I guess, just to "be free to be ME." And happiness isn't about a number on the scale, size of jeans, or who has the best grades, it's all about the insides and using the experiences you have to make your dreams and passions come alive.

You've got the questions; I've got the answers.

Home equals Christmas

2010-12-18T11:01:00.000-08:00

I know I'm home during Christmas when there are cookies everywhere. We never have cookies here and yet they surround me, choke me even. Which is also totally fine by me, especially with all the Christmas books, tree, lights, and other holiday goodies as a constant reminder for my family's reason for the season. I also think that seeing little socks made for two year olds are the cutest things ever.
It's weird to be home and not be expected to go to class. Or to be expected to get things done.
It's weird when I realize that I've been away for four months and come back and almost nothing yet everything has changed. Weird right?
Makes one think about things more closely.
Alright, now I'ma get ready to go and see Black Swan.
To Do for tomorrow:
Make list for Christmas.
Shop.
Visit friends.
Repeat...

Another Poem from an Optimistic Ophelia

2010-12-11T19:11:00.001-08:00

Look into my eyes and find yourself.
The person you believe you've misplaced.
The curve of your lip and strength of your chest,
as it alone
keeps your heart enclosed,
trapped forever beneath a mess of muscles, blood, and bones;
The heat of your smile and warmth of your hand, gently holds me-
holds all of me
in your grasp.
With eyes so sad, so injured,
yet hopeful,
you plead through them for me not to hurt you.
But what you don't know is that this is only the first, never the last.
Our embrace will never end as time may try to tatter and tear us apart.
Each time you lay your head tenderly on my shoulder,
and give me love marks,
you not only leave signs in the morning on my skin,
but on my soul, my heart, my memory.
This is only the first of us.
Can't you see that?
And there will never be a last.
This is my promise, my vow, my pact.
~ct

I think you are absolutely gorgeous just as you are now. I love how individualistic you are and I hope you never ever change!

2010-12-11T12:57:00.001-08:00

Thank you anonymous person :) That means a lot to me.

You've got the questions; I've got the answers.

Who inspires you the most?

2010-12-11T12:07:00.001-08:00

People who fight adversity and those who are stronger than they know and humble about their talent. Also, compassionate people who give back.

You've got the questions; I've got the answers.

Imperfect

2010-12-05T11:14:00.000-08:00

This is not a cry for help, this is my truth.
This is not a ploy for attention, this is my life.
Did I ask for this? This pain? This is pain.
Not one bit.
But with the prize and aesthetics comes the reality that one must face.
So, I got help.
But here I remain, living my life through the eyes of the past while glancing forward at the past, the present, the future.
The me I once was, the me I am, the me I will be, all in one.
My wants, needs, desires, hopes, and dreams all melting into one another.
I remain, imperfection.
I tasted, perfection.
My mouth dry hoping for that taste to come again, knowing that it cannot happen.
I'm not strong enough, or rather, I'm stronger than I imagined.
Stuck in the spiraling staircase I plunge forward, each step lighter than the next. Or heavier.
Who knows?
Who is to be the deciding factor?
Me and all my imperfection.

♪ Love me, love me, say that you love me (I can't care 'bout anything but you). ♪

2010-11-28T07:04:00.001-08:00

Why yes, I am wearing a Cardigan.. sweater that is. ;p

You've got the questions; I've got the answers.

It's Only Me Now

2010-11-22T13:45:00.000-08:00

Unrobed in dark crevices,
our shadows curve into one another,
as our pulsing hearts beat like mockingbird wings in flight.
Painful silence seizes the air as a gasp,
a gasp utters,
from the creak in the old, wooden floor.
Each step towards you feels weighted down,
like an extra person clumsily attached to me. Each step is like a betrayal, a rejection rather than an acceptance.
Flirting dangerously with disastor, I know better than to be here.
To be here with you,
that is.
But here I am,
exposed,
open,
fragile,
clutching tightly onto the empty promises and false hopes that I've always kept maintained for you and you alone.
I'm a seemingly strong person, but with you, one glance and I melt like a childhood popsicle left out on the tire swing in summer.
Flight, an empty word, I think.
You, aware of your power over me, know that one touch,
just one touch, would destroy me. Because of your strength and my weakness you could strangle me, like Mice and Men, with your hands bare.
Yet you choose, to lightly dance your fingertips on my smooth skin. You dare not come any closer, believing that you could protect me from your own darkness. Despite my begging,
pleading,
compromising,
threats, and overall hysteria, you watch me and guard me as if I'm a wounded bird.
But, don't you know that I want you? For you to be the one to destroy me?
Aren't you aware how much I crave you and your bear claws? Doesn't my need for you seep into the space between us?
Let your walls down. I've let mine down for you.
Your words and actions mean nothing if the two are not simultaneous.
But as the winter chill of that fateful night, the ice you built between us is nowhere near the point of oblivion, and are bodies are no longer entangled in a sweet embrace.
You know me,
you cannot deny that.
One day,
one of these days in this lifetime,
or the next,
I will drown in you.
Ready or not, here I come.

I think the city seems so cold, maybe it's too cool...

2010-11-22T08:22:00.001-08:00

Day 10billion- Songs you listen to when you are Happy and Sad
HAPPY?: Tire Swing, Let's Dance to Joy Division, Just Dance, Peacock, Firework, My Life Would Suck Without You, Black Horse and the Cherry Tree, Boysboysboys, There She Goes, Killer Queen, Bicycle, any show tunes, Parachutes, Ingrid.

SAD?: Opera, or heavy metal, or Ingrid, or Creep, The Point of No return, Purple Rain..
I listen to a hell of a lot more, I chose to include these songs on here cause I just hit the recently played button on my Ipod aka I'm lazy :p

Listening to some sappy songs and enjoying the day. Woot. Happy Monday, fools.
Oh yea, it's a fun world we live in. and I forgot it was a Monday.. Me and my memory. Insane.

Make me smile and you've got my heart, but watch out, with caution proceed.

Kill them with kindness...

2010-11-21T19:14:00.000-08:00

Day 03289759279- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
I'm proud that I've been able to be open to change and accept in all my unique traits and even new interests that I never wanted to admit we're there but have always been there. What is it? Something for me to know and get used to and for you to be patient and in due time will find out. I'm also proud that I've been hanging out with friends rather than on my lonesome.

Currently, I'm in the tech center, procrastinating and watching the couple next to me play footsie as I write this. Do you know what I love? Holding hands. Anyone's hand, it doesn't matter who, and can totally be platonic but just the warmth of another makes me heart smile.

This week's goal before turkey day is to kill em with kindness. Take that anyway you want, I care only for my own definition of the mantra, phrase if you will. Alright, folks, this thorny girl has got to learn how to play some Bb, Eb, and Ab scales on piano with the diatonic triads. Yeehaw!!

It's just pretend, my dear.

2010-11-20T15:31:00.000-08:00

Utter those three words and I'll smile.
Understand my faults and love me for all my imperfections. All I ask for, is love.
Love, love, love, not that puppy dog kind, we're in the major leagues now and you're up to bat.
But, you aren't well enough, yet, my love. I wish you were. Time will only tell where this will go but for now I'll sit and smile.
Because, you told me those three words.

You, I love.

Was blind but now I see....

2010-11-20T13:52:00.000-08:00

Or I was just really lazy and am now semi productive. It's been one of those days. The days where you're so out of it and so busy that you just have to take time for yourself and friends otherwise you'll go insane. Speaking of insane... Just kidding, I'm in the sanity today.Also, considering I like FAILED at continuing my project for my blog, I shall complete 4 days' topics in one entry. On your mark, get set, read:

Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
I wish I didn't fall for people who are totally not within my "price range" if you will. Also, I wish I wasn't so self concious about my height and overall size. I'm beautiful and need to own it. Ha.

Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
http://www.ushistory.org/lovepark/

Day 06- Favorite super hero/fictional character and why
Favorite fictional character is Susanna Kaysen from Girl, Interrupted. Note how these lines are pretty much the best thing ever: Valerie: What would you have said to her?
Susanna: I don't know. That I was sorry. That I will never know what it was like to be her. But I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. You hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.
Valerie: Susanna, it's all well and good to tell me all this; but you gotta tell some of this to your doctors.
Susanna: How the hell am I supposed to recover when I don't even understand my disease?
Valerie: But you do understand it. You spoke very clearly about it a second ago. But I think what you've gotta do is put it down. Put it away. Put it in your notebook, but get it out of yourself. Away so you can't curl up with it anymore.
Susanna: Lisa thinks it's a gift. That it lets you see the truth.
Valerie: Lisa's been here for 8 years.
Susanna: [crying] I'm so sorry. I was a bitch. I was a bitch.
Valerie: Don't drop anchor here, you understand?
Susanna: [narrating] When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream. But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous. Maybe, there's a moment growing up when something peels back... Maybe, maybe, we look for secrets because we can't believe our minds...
[overlapping words]
Susanna: All I know is that I began to feel things again. Whatever I was, I knew there was only one way back to the world and that was to use the place to talk. So I saw the great and wonderful Dr. Wick three times a week and I let her hear every thought in my head.

and
Susanna: Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is... Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. They were not perfect, but they were my friends and by the '70s most of them were out living lives. Some I've seen, some never again, but there isn't a day my heart doesn't find them.

Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
http://www.ingridmichaelson.com/music/lyrics/

Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why

Short term goals: Be happier in life as we know it. Be present.

Firework

2010-10-30T17:12:00.001-07:00

This is Katy Perry's new video that has made me feel so proud to be a survivor. <3

Peace and happiness this Halloween weekend. <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGJuMBdaqIw

Day 3-With Minor Complications

2010-10-26T20:41:00.001-07:00

WELL. Since blogger is being a bum and not letting me upload my pics, I'm a little sad. But, I can skip to the next task :D And invite you all to check out my facebook for recent pictures if you're dying for them

Task for day four should be the habits I hate of myself, but you get them a day early. Such excitement.

I wish I didn't have the habits of flipping my hair, biting my nails, touching my face or arms or body part nervously/subconsciously, and how I pull away from people after a certain amount of time, either resulting from boredom or just overall fear of rejection. I also am not a fan of how much I procrastinate when I really plain ahead to prevent the night-before-it's-due rush! One day...I will conquer you. One day..

Til the sun shines.

Carolyn

Day 2-Blog name meaning

2010-10-24T09:35:00.000-07:00

My blog name means what it says. "To change the world one step at a time." Well, that's my motto for life. Make each action I take as something that will impact the world in a positive manner. I wish that everyone would try to make the world a better place, so that every one can be happy and that we can rid the world of hate once and for all. Seriously. Maybe suicides, murder, and other heinous crimes wouldn't have a chance to exist or happen.

My alias online, musicallyfit848, is a representation of two of my favorite things. Music and being fit and leading a healthy lifestyle. It's been difficult to lead a healthy lifestyle in college since I have no time for anything but music, but I plan on getting fit again by small steps towards success. 848- is just my favorite number. For no particular reason really, I just like 848 cause I love 8's and 4's. :)

On another note: I think for awhile I was losing my self-worth in college. Being surrounded by so many other talented and amazing people 24/7, I find myself silently screaming in their shadow. This might all just be in my head but, just how I feel. This is also why I've been blogging again. Writing affirms my beliefs and solidifies my thoughts, hopes, and dreams on myself, on humanity, on society, on EVERY thing.

30 days-Recent Picture and 15 facts on Me

2010-10-24T08:59:00.001-07:00

Recently, I've made many connections to people via the internet and more specifically twitter. One lovely individual started her own blog and was doing this thing for 30 days and even though I honestly have no time to do this during the week days, I'll do it as often as I can. It'll be a mini challenge if you will.

Fifteen random facts on me:

1. When I'm reading, I'm entranced. It's like I'm drunk of the book and into a different reality so once I put the book back down, and can't focus on the true reality ahead of me, I'm stuck in the book. A girl could lose herself that way.

2. I think girls who wear red lipstick and heals have the most self-confidence. They dare to express themselves in ways that many are too timid to attempt.

3. Last night, I danced with a stranger, I will never know his name and this is pretty insane to think about.

4. I've begun to appreciate Twitter more than Facebook cause you can communicate with famous people like cough cough, Ingrid Michaelson, cough cough via tweeting. Plus I like how that sounds. And no one yells at you for updating your status *too* often.

5. I find Halloween more fun than Christmas. The anticipation for Christmas is always amazing but the actual day is colorless compared to a night of getting free candy from strangers in a socially acceptable manner, while you're dressed like someone completely different from you.

6. Handwritten letters mean more to me than an email or even an expensive present.

7. I go out even when I really don't want to because I don't want to miss one experience of life in college.

8. I have the most respect for people who stick up for their beliefs in a polite manner, flaunt your beliefs like lady gaga wears bubbles, obnoxiously, and I don't have respect for you. No need to convert me or get angry at me if I'm happy with my own beliefs.

9. I tend to love people more than I should. I'm bitchy and a bully sometimes because I'm afraid of someone else doing that to me. I also laugh a lot because of that too. Which leads into...

10. I believe you have to laugh at yourself. If you can't find the humor in it, then life will be dreadfully boring. Especially sex. Sex is funny people.

11. I miss my room at home so much that I printed out a sheet of lime green paper (color of my walls at home) and stare at it when I'm alone in my dorm room. It's weird calling my dorm, "home," since I've only lived here 2 months and lived in Fishkill for 18 years.

12. I cry when I see animals dead on the side of the road. No joke. Poor squirrels. :(

13. I want a tattoo on my back with the Alanis Morissette lyrics "Everytime I scratch my nails down someone else's back I hope you feel it." But won't cause if I get married I'll feel bad that my husband will have to be reminded that I was hurt by someone.

14. I want to give up at least year of my life in service to the world. Specifically an organization like Invisible Children, Peace Corps, or CYFM.

15. My biggest goal of life is to be happy. If I'm happy as a music therapist than that is what I shall be. If I'm happy as a vocal performance major, that that is what I'll do. IF I'm happy with both, then by golly, I'll be a double major.

Peace and positivity.

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your blog name
Day 03- A recent picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero/fictional character and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about WordPress and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Who are you?

NOTE: pic wouldn't upload so you'll have to deal or visit my facebook. k? K.

A realization.

2010-10-23T11:02:00.001-07:00

I can't remember a time where I wasn't self conscious about my height, weight, shape, and overall size.

Now, that may be a strong statement to start this blog entry off, considering I haven't blogged in a hell of a long time, but it's the truth and I want to admit it. I'm coming clean. I'm throwing out the old and horrid ways and wrapping myself in a warm blanket of new and unfamiliar. Which is Exciting, actually. Notice how I capitalize the exciting :p.

As I was taking my Saturday morning shower, after an intense and fun night in Philly, I've come to realize how coping mechanisms can really hurt you in the end. What do you mean by this, Carolyn? Well! What I mean is, back in the pre-adolescent days of glasses, acne, bad haircuts, braces, and baby fat, I was a victim of bullying. It was pretty bad, as I was taunted and teased, being called "a boy," the "grossest girl ever," "fat ass," "pig (followed by an oink)," "loser," and most commonly, "so weird." After a long time of these painful taunts, I began to make "I don't care what anyone else thinks" as my philosophy and way of life, something that would only add to the fuel of my eating disorder. When the battle ignited, I chose to ignore again that I was "too thin" this time, and instead believed that I was the most beautiful girl in the world because of my thin-ness. I didn't believe that being "too thin" could make me sick or hurt others when it only involved myself. But it did. See, everything must be in moderation, otherwise someone is "fat, too thin, or even too healthy" that it restrains your potential to live fully and enjoy every moment.

So now you're wondering, what are her thoughts on her present body situation. Sure, I have my struggles, but I'm aiming to find the beauty in each part of myself, as each situation I go through presents itself to me as a challenge. But challenges are meaningful parts of life.

What I'm getting at, I think, is that I have my doubts, but so does everyone. All I know now is to not limit myself to "I don't care what others say" but rather, I'll take their opinions in stride and make my own opinions on myself based on my reality and not the fantasy of my eccentric and somewhat insane mind.

Back to reality, which can sometimes suck,

Peace and Positivity,

Carolyn

Back to that old site, but for good.

2010-10-03T20:19:00.000-07:00

Confession time: I used to be obsessed with a calorie counting website to the point where if a forum said not to eat something, I wouldn't. Well, I put a post up a while ago aka junior year and remembered of it this night. I thought I'd share it with y'all since I haven't posted in a while and have been slacking. Comments are needed for this and it's imput.

The media really puts pressure on teens to look a certain way and to act a certain way. They show pictures of emaciated models and label them pretty, well honestly, even those models don't look that "Perfect" in real life as the media also retouches their pictures. So, what does this mean for us teens? PERFECTION is NOT real. Say that. "I do NOT have to feel like I must obtain, strive for, seek, and/or need "PERFECTION"!!! <--sorry i'm very passionate about this as a recovering ED and depression victim.

So, I want to help you from whatever situation you are in in life. Whatever obstacle it may be, just remember that is one microscopic speck in the ENTIRETY of your life.

Now please know how amazing, different, incredible each one of us are!! Take the time to think of your talents, and qualities you like in yourself especially when you're feeling in the dumps. Trust me, I've had quite a lot of those times in my life. Actually, there are probably more sad times than happy in my life but that's why one should count the blessings they are given.

So, here's where you can respond. :P I kinda wrote a lot but I'm very enthusiastic hehe. List the things you like about yourself. Come on, just do it, brag a little.

Okay, I'll start. I love my posture, hair, height (at times), athletic, acting and singing abilities, my outgoingness, my smile and teeth, kindness, attitude on life, musical abilities, my pride, my individuality, my personal beliefs and politics, and my hands and feet. :p

Try it. Afterwords, you'll feel great. Trust me.

Pack pack PACKING

2010-08-23T08:54:00.001-07:00

So, no one warns you just how much packing for college is. They give a hint but not the full picture. Well, it's a lot of work. GROWL. haha

Listening to a homemade playlist, wishing I was famous so I could be Katy Perry's bestest friend and packing... good plan for the next two days cause on wednesday I'll be trekking to Philly.

Peace and love.

Oh, and I survived pneumonia.

Summer's over and it's raining. How happy!

Benefits of watching non stop TV

2010-08-05T12:12:00.000-07:00

Desperate Housewives, What I like About you, Live with Regis and Kelly, Oprah, Little Miss Sunshine, CSI: New York, Criminal Minds, Big Brother, 2 and a half men, and last but certainly not least, Grey's Anatomy (my newest guilty pleasure)--That's what these three days of sickness have consisted of. Sure, I can only remember half of what happened in CSI last night because I was busy being feverish and shaking but, at least it was there. I'm pretty sure I haven't watched this much TV, like straight hours of television, since I was in the eighth grade. Sure, I read Wuthering Heights and wrote 'thank you's' as to not fry out my brain with the pop culture and flashing lights but still, I feel the effects bestowed upon me by the "boob tube." And I'm not proud of this recent couch potato lifestyle, but hell, when you're sick, you are sick. and should not be stressing over packing and such. So.

What TV has taught me? Well, here's just a small list:

1. Life is brief and mostly sucks. Enjoy only the best while you can. ~Desperate Housewives

2. Never use money as a weapon, especially in friendships. ~DH

3. We are NOT paying for the President to eat. ~Oprah

4. Laura Bush is one of the only Republicans I can tolerate. ~Oprah

5. Life is one beauty contest, one after the other. ~Little Miss Sunshine

6. "A real loser is someone who is so afraid of not winning that they don't even try." ~LMS

7. There is nothing in the world the matter. ~Wuthering Heights (shoot me it's from a book)

8. Proud people breed sad sorrows for themselves. ~WH again

9. Never kill anyone and expect someone to believe it's a suicide. ~CSI

10. Actually, just DON'T kill anyone. ~CSI

11. Wonder with me, just how did Regis become famous and why is Kelly always laughing?

12. Never live with 2 other men and expect it to be magically clean without a house keeper. ~2 and a half men

13. Doctors, interns, nurses are overworked and need more sleep. So let them have it, dammit. ~Grey's Anatomy

14. Try not to fall in love with a colleague. If you do, well then, sucks for you! ~GA

and most importantly:

15. Relish in the fact that we are NOT in the Big Brother household fighting for money that will most likely be taxed away and that they'll never see as their dignity flies away on national television.

Happy Thursday!

A Trek Through Doctors' Offices for The Holy Grail of a Low Fat Blueberry Muffin

2010-08-03T13:03:00.000-07:00

Hoorah.

I don't know why I just said that, for I feel like saying anything other than that.

Background info to this story: Having had a chronic headache since graduation, and waking up with body aches and fatigue this morning, my mommy suggests seeing the doctor for treatment.

Story: Now, with another type of doctor appointment already scheduled for this day, the total hours expected to be in a doctor's office would be 2 instead of 1. But, knowing these doctors' offices, that was a way too optimistic outlook. 5 hours were spent waiting and being poked and prodded in total from the 2 appointments. Oh joy.

Well, in the first waiting room, I got the beautiful yet annoying crave for, you guessed it, a low fat blueberry muffin. Why a low fat one? Because a girl's conscience of ingesting oodles of calories in a delicious, bakery treat can be salvaged if something is titled, "Low Fat." Not only was that a requirement of this muffin I desired, but it must be one from Dunkin Donuts. My mind is a strange place. So, at the doctor's office I waited, patiently, so that I could go and buy this gift of mankind.

With the fear of mono in toe, I arrive to my second appointment: the pediatrician, yes I still go to that for I am a child forever. The doctor plays off my illness as either a virus or sinus infection. Pills were prescribed which I then had to bring to the pharmacy..yada yada yada.

Still, I waited for the muffin.

Now, there are a lot, emphasis on A LOT, of Dunkin Donuts in my area, spread semi far apart from each other yet in a relatively close enough area. So, I decide to wait for this beast of a muffin as a reward for after I gave in my prescription. Tummy growls loudly here since I hadn't eaten since 9 and it was 3:30, and this is a long time, coming from the girl who eats 4 small meals a day. Luckily enough, the pharmacy and Dunkin Donuts are awfully close. It would seem that karma is on my side. So, I bring the prescription in as the guy barks off to me that, 'it'll take ten minutes,' in a creepily similar tone to the guy on the phone of the Chinese takeout place..hmm. There I leave my soon-to-be meds, and off I go to the closest Dunkin Donuts. Upon arrival at the DD, I have a twinge of pain which only happens when I sense something bad is going to happen, and boy does it happen!

Not only did the boy at the counter seem clueless to his position, as I had to tap him for his attention, but informs me in his cap pulled over his eyes and unstylish Dunkin outfit, that they DO NOT have a low fat blueberry muffin, only a regular full-fattened one, and could I, would I just buy that instead? WHAT?! Pandemonium. No, I respond but at this point my stomach is crying in anguish from being deprived.

If I had been my normal, confident, flirtatious, beautified and outgoing self, <--LOL, at that moment, I would have flashed him my smirk and batted my eyelashes and asked would he go in the back to see if there were any low fat blueberry muffins available? But, I was just an un-showered, sickly, and sweatpants-wearing girl with desperately-needed-to-be-tweezed-eyebrows. Therefore, I said nothing.

So what is a girl with a growling stomach to do, instead, but buy an eggwhite flatbread sandwhich at this fine establishment? Honestly, if you were in my case, you'd buy one too. I didn't have my usual go-getter attitude so I just sacrificed for the good of the...wait, what the hell was I sacrificing for?! I'm sick, dammit! So, I quickly eat the unsatisfying goodness of the sandwich, pick up my prescription, and decide that I AM getting my low fat blueberry muffin.

This adventure takes me back to where I started from, near the initial doctor's office. Boo. What a waste of gas, an economical junkie would say. But Carolyn Thorn's brain was saying, Show me the Muffin!! Into the drive-in I proceed, and Hallelujah, a LOW FAT blueberry muffin is given in exchange for a $1.45. Praise the Lord. Amen.

I think there is something erotic and magnificent about a low fat blueberry muffin. I can't quite put my finger of it but I know the qualities are there. If I was to worship a food, besides the baked potato of course, this one would take the cake, win the prize, beat out all the others. Or maybe, just maybe, that is just my cravings talking.

Happy Tuesday!

Wisdom from My Father

2010-07-31T12:58:00.000-07:00

I'm cleaning my room for college, getting rid of things I don't need and putting the memories away into boxes. Sorting the stuff I will take with me from the things I'll leave behind.

On opening a wooden box that I filled with mementos of my father's I found in his wallet a note or a list of things that could not be more fitting for this occasion of preparation to spread my wings and fly. (corny alert)

His note:

1. Be an individual

2. Talk- to me or someone

3. Don't worry about others

4. Live for yourself

5. Don't think-Do!

The Past is a butthead? Yup.

2010-07-26T13:52:00.000-07:00

You're better than that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsSRW8XN-pk

Watch and smile cause you're worth it!

Sometimes...The things one realizes after 8 days of Precious Moments

2010-07-19T07:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes my lungs can't handle the air i'm breathing. I get pulled in a world of fantasy stuck in my head of stories. Sometimes I pay more attention to blinking and my heart thumping than my own thoughts. Sometimes I find love in the most inconvenient of times. Sometimes I realize things aren't meant to be. Sometimes I realize they are. That's what this week has shown me.

It's crazy to know how tired I get off of 5 hours of sleep a night. Encouraging, sharing, loving, sighing, being...how should I feel here? I'm in the middle, not stuck but merely floating, wading and lightly lapping the water to push towards the surface. Dangerously close to the edge of the bridge with one foot planted on solid ground. People think I'm fine now. But, I know they're wrong. I'm not okay, but I devote each day aiming to to be so one day. As long as I keep trying and holding on I'm sure some sort of positive change will come as my karma level musy be at an incredibly high and positive level. Oh well.

Don't know what to think about this experience of CAM. I've gained close friends but lost who I thought I was and have become more confused about who I am. That's scary to me because if I can't figure out how can I understand anything else? Like 2 plus 2. Shouldn't equal four? Who knows...?

I'm not as talented as many, prettier, skinner, funnier, nicer, more honest, or open, but I am me. That's all one can strive to be right?

haha good glad that your doing very good lol i'm doing ok haha=)

2010-07-04T19:16:00.001-07:00

why thanks "D

You've got the questions; I've got the answers.

My Room- A Poem I wrote Freshman Year.

2010-07-02T09:20:00.000-07:00

My room,

My desert place where no one can reach me

The place to dream and live freely

To show my true colors and not be afraid.

In my room,

There is a window of opportunity

The chance to soar high above others-

And Not be overshadowed by others' achievements.

My room,

The space where I can be hidden-

In a transcendent lime green,

From all the sorrow and cloudy days,

From all my fears and from reality.

My room,

The spot where I am most happy,

The place that gives me courage-

To someday leave my room.

guess what?

2010-06-25T22:00:00.000-07:00

I'M A GRADUATE!

just saying. :D

My LAST post lied!

2010-06-25T09:58:00.000-07:00

My last post says it was posted yesterday, but it lies. It was posted five minutes ago, Friday June 25th or the day of my graduation! Yea, this is sweet in a bitter sort of way. Like dark chocolate, dark chocolate=yummy.

Going to get ready cause I guess that is important!

I got my fingers crossed...

2010-06-24T06:22:00.000-07:00

So it goes. I did the dot dot dot thing again in the title. Baha. That laugh is something I've mastered, the obnoxious laugh I mean. Today is graduation. Can you believe it? I surely cannot, nor do I really have an opinion on the matter. I haven't even graduated yet and already got mail to apply for a credit card and a student loan...depressing. Reality for grown-ups is tough, that's probably why they are always stressed and don't have as much fun or carefree attitudes as teenagers. I'm going to try my damnedest to not let myself get too uptight. Cause girls just wanna have fun ;)

If you were falling, then I would catch you...

2010-06-23T17:34:00.000-07:00

Soo, today is another day without coffee. Which is more difficult then it sounds. I did have a diet coke today thinking that since that has caffeine too then I'll be set, but it wasn't like coffee, so I've been like special today. Oh well.

I'm listening to Fall Out Boy and remembering how much I love them :) I always think of crunches since their Thriller album was what I did my crunches to at Planet Fitness. Oh memories, bittersweet, cause they were sweaty times ;). Yes, blogger, I DID just wink in my post. Enjoy it cause I certainly did!

Please people, learn some polishing skills. Everything you think does not need to be repeated or said out loud. Some things are just rude...

Pretending, being, encouraging, inspiring:

2010-06-22T10:15:00.001-07:00

Watch Meryl Streep give her humble, inspirational speech:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-a8QXUAe2g&playnext_from=TL&videos=-Jdh8doa9Yc&feature=featured

She's incredible. And way too humble.

Die alone..

2010-06-22T08:33:00.000-07:00

Oh Ingrid Michaelson, seriously, stealing the words from my mouth. Not that that is a bad thing, in fact it's good cause now I know I'm not the only one in the world having these thoughts/feelings.

I've decided I want to discover one new song everyday. And I still desperately need a way to make some dough, and not the literal kind cause I've eaten enough this week. haha. Alright, so someone need a PA? (Personal Assistant-for you unhip hipsters). Oh boy, stay away from me, I'm a bit insane at the moment since I just took my LAST test for my high school career. It was a beastly test, and included physics, or rather was about physics. Damn. "I am a lady in spain, I'll sing a haunting refrain," Ingrid! Oh man!

Let's seeee, plans for the day besides doing some ME time? Meditating, eating lunch, fixing my hair, teach myself the guitar, come up with a melody, going to CYFM- all in a day's work of the life of Carolyn Thorn. It sure is an intriguing one, even to myself.

Oh, and for those of you that remember me discussing my scrapbook of my life for my English final project: I got a 100. Yes, that is full credit for my 3 weeks full of work. :) Happiness is a fantastic emotion, the culmination of numerous events making for one heck of a smile. And a true smile in fact.

Happy Fathers Day from 10 Things I Hate About You

2010-06-20T11:22:00.001-07:00

Walter Stratford: You know fathers don't like to admit it when their daughters are capable of running their own lives. It means we've become spectators. Bianca still let's me play a few innings - you've had me on the bench for years. When you go to Sarah Lawrence, I won't even be able to watch the game.
Kat Stratford: *When* I go?
Walter Stratford: Oh, boy. Don't tell me you changed your mind. I already sent 'em a check.
[Kat gasps in surprise, then hugs her father]

I've found love...

2010-06-20T05:54:00.000-07:00

So I'm involved with two beauties. They are called Eat Pray Love and Girl, Interrupted. Oh wait, you thought I meant a boy? Nope. Obviously I meant books, cause they're my true loves and until someone can change that for me, that is how it will remain and I am overly fine with that fact.

I spent a good deal of my evening reading Girl, Interrupted as it just captured me in and wouldn't let me go! I started reading Eat Pray Love first, but realized that I should get through the hard stuff of my past so that I can truly be free to enjoy the experience of the book. What other way is greater than reading about all those mental disorders than reading them in a heartbreakingly witty book by Susana Kaysen? :)

Alright, plan for today: go to church, walk, read some more, go see INGRID MICHAELSON perform. I'm so blessed to have that as part of my schedule for today. Thank God!

Happiness is not just two kinds of ice cream, it's the whole combination of ice cream and cone.

New Video blog post!

2010-06-19T10:39:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2THEQYMmjc

Take a look!

how have you been??:)

2010-06-18T17:57:00.001-07:00

Very good! How're you?!

You've got the questions; I've got the answers.

What one thing are you exceptionally good at?

2010-06-12T21:00:00.001-07:00

Being positive/optimistic.

You've got the questions; I've got the answers.

Do you believe in luck?

2010-06-12T20:57:00.001-07:00

I guess...I believe more in coincidence and karma. What you put into the world is what you'll get out of it. Spread love, not war. Yes, I am in a hippy mood this evening. :p

You've got the questions; I've got the answers.

I Remain..

2010-06-07T17:47:00.000-07:00

Your very existence makes me who I am. I believe Alanis was talking about Jesus :) or thats how I interpret it in her new song, I Remain.

This is my 62 blog post and I think that's astonishing...in the best way possible. I have been thinking a lot about crossing bridges in life and how we must let go to those in our past, no matter how difficult it may be, to move on and start a new chapter in our lives. I really am not looking forward to saying goodbye to the friends I have had since 7th grade. Although we haven't always had classes together or been able to hang out all the time, they still all managed to leave an imprint on my heart. Especially those I've been close with since elementary. Oh Girl Scouts.

Wow, this is making me sad. Gah.

In other news, got my NHS tassel, and feel inspired to make positive and influential change on my body and on others. :) Inspire, excite, enthuse, create, ignite, light, start, jump, pop, power. I love words. Any other words that are awesome? Absurd, splendid, chipper, happiness, cacophony, plethora, succumb.

Smells like Summer.

2010-06-06T19:29:00.000-07:00

Tonight, it smells like summer. Thought I'd aware my readers, if there are any :p

In six days, I will have 0 classes of high school left. In 19 days, I will be a graduate. In 21, days I will have a party.

Okay, done with that sentence pattern, oh how I do not miss the dronings of eleventh grade English AP Language. I do, however, miss the structure of Searle. My teacher now is a great philosopher with awesome ideas and a passion for teaching and public speaking, but he has no structure. So, that makes me have to create the structure for myself, which usually doesn't end so well, as only the extreme makes an impression. We learned that through the movie, Heathers.

Oh boy, I'm not sleepy at all but know that I'll regret staying up late when I wake tomorrow morning. To sleep or not to sleep; that is the question.

You'll Always Be My Thunder, So Bring on the Rain.

2010-06-06T13:41:00.000-07:00

His smile melts my heart as he holds me in his arms and whispers, "I love you. You're amazing!" It feels so right yet I know it is wrong for his heart belongs not to me but her. He only loves me like a brother, not as a lover, anymore. He denies our past but can't seem to stop toying with my heart. Takes my hands into his and says how much he misses me--staring into his eyes, that brown, brown sea, I'm lost and this is unhealthy. I need to get out of the past and be happy with what I got. Not fair to the present and everyone involved, oh God. I know it's dangerous to ask but why not me? Why not me? Why she?

I need to stop listening to West Side Story music. And reading my blue old journal. Both things do not make for a good mood, yet Gilmore Girls does, so let's go watch that.

I also need to make my invitations to my grad party.. :)

Poker Faces, Phones, People, Pasts

2010-05-27T15:21:00.000-07:00

Alright, here I am. I don't recognize this place but I definitely have a sense that I've been here before. Now, I'm standing in a hallway filled with doors. All are locked but I have the keys, and I can only open one. Hands clenching, I ponder, why only one door? Why not two, three, or four? Do I choose the one closest to me or the one furthest away? The one who's door has all the answers or the one who's path will lead me to the answers.

Alright, here I am. I wonder if you ever think of me; you probably do. But your poker face masks your feelings-oh so well. I still think of you, sadly. But not with anger or pride, but instead with a nostalgic pull at those memories.

Alright, enough of that sap. The tree has more to offer like leaves, twigs, and shade. Oh, it's also beautiful. Did I fail to mention its beauty? How rude of me, the tree is very vain so I suppose I'll mention it has the key to my heart.

Alright, I know I'm not making sense. I make sense to me though, and I guess that's all that matters. Poor Eleanor Rigby, such lonely people. You're not outdated, or forgotten. You're just under-appreciated. I appreciate you though. Thanks for your existence! Kudos on just plummeting through the vast sea, like an otter or penguin, delving fast and far into the unknown. You would do that. I envy you for that. I couldn't even open a damn door.

An Atypical Rant on Society and Teenage Dating

2010-05-19T18:20:00.000-07:00

How does society go from eloquently, well thought out phrases and stanzas to profess one's love, with pages of ink splattering, intense and frenzied writing to now just a text message saying, "Heyyy," or worse, the "waz up?" conversation starter? I believe that if a guy wants to court me, he'll have to work at it. It will be a process that takes patience and persistance. Obviously, this will sort out the ones who truly care from the ones who just like my appearance. The end of high school is fast approaching (17 days!!! but hey, who's counting? :p) and I am very excited for the future. I can't wait til I can run again. Damn ankle. Running seems to be something so incredible to me so let's pray that my ankle makes a speedy recovery.

As I write this, it's like I am talking to someone in my head; how incredible. The brain perplexes me as it's such a miraculous instrument.

I noticed also today that people LOVE to feel like another, at least one other person, "gets" them. As a culture, being alone is seen with a bad connotation, making one feel deserted and misunderstood. I, on the other hand, love being difficult, different, and unique, yet have my share of doubts every once in a while, especially on nights like tonight. Send me positive love.

A Day's Meaning

2010-04-30T06:37:00.000-07:00

What is a day but a moment in time. A specific moment in time that in less than 23 hours will be gone and now is remembered as just a memory. For us, days can seem like they will never end, but they do, just as the sun sets and rises each day. For that fact I am certain. The universe, however, sees each day as a split second. It'll keep going on, while for us it might always be vivid in our memory. I'm sure we've all had one of those magnificent days that we relive in our minds over and over for fear of forgetting or worse, never having such a day again.

I can't remember which day of the week, what time of the day, or what exact year it was, but I have had one of those days-the kind I will always cherish. What's most important, to me anyway, is the people I was with that day and the feelings I experienced. I will always remember those details as I am right brain dominant. Everyone is different though and I do not claim to be like anyone else. Actually, I am quite unique. Weird, even. But that is fine by me. For as cliche as this is, I'd rather die an original then a copy.

Reading The Glass Menagerie and The Tent, both books proving how thoughtful writers are. Maybe I have that capability to present my philosophies and values in a fictional piece of work...I sure am trying to. I really need to FINISH at least one novel or short story. I can always start things but the follow up is more difficult. Oh well.

Also, I love 80's teen movies. :)

Enjoy the sun!

Ophelia. Earth Day

2010-04-22T15:57:00.000-07:00

Watch this scene. It describes so much. :)

Now.

2010-04-20T17:22:00.000-07:00

I think that now, right now, is the most perfect time to be alive. Why? you may ask.

Well, I'll tell you why. Cause at this moment I have a heart full of love, an intelligent head resting on my strong shoulders with dreams spanning farther than the stars, racing through my mind. I miss Proscenium already.

War is peace; so it goes, hamlet, and other violent ends

2010-04-13T12:06:00.000-07:00

Nothing is either good nor bad until we make it so. So it goes.

Depressing thought right? Think about it. All I seem to do recently is think. Today, for instance, I was reflecting on the fact that opening night of Titanic is in 3 days and how fast my senior year of Proscenium has gone. This has spiraled into a slew of other connected thoughts, making me more confused than ever before, and causing the bittersweetness of this last show to be something more obscene and even a bit saddening. I don't want to be sad that it ends, I wish to be happy that it happened. And I am. As last night was the first run through with the orchestra, I'm pleased that it sounds good as of yet. I'm excited to see/be a part of the results of over a year's hard work for many of the people involved with Proscenium.

For now, I shall leave you all with a Hamlet quotation:

"What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and movement..."

Sugar high. Damn bunnies.

2010-04-04T17:09:00.000-07:00

ToomuchcandyAKAjellybeansandchocolatemarshmallowbunniesandeggsandthosedamntasty

peepsaremakingmybraininsaneandIhavenotimetothinkandbelievethattypingwithout

spacesisreallyhardandIcannotbelievehowmucheffortit'stakingformetonot

placespacesbetweenmywords,It'sjustthatmybrainisonelongrandomrunon

sentencewithallthesedifferentthoughtsrightnow.Unbelievable.

Happy end of Easter.

Maybe.

2010-04-04T07:04:00.001-07:00

"But I will, I will, I will. I don't want to sit on the pavement while you fly."

Listening to Ingrid Michaelson this EASTER morning, preparing to get ready...hey, it is a process. This morning, I was woken up by my beautiful niece showing me her new pez dispenser :) She's adorable. What a blessed morning and day. Thank God for all the blessings in my life: my family, my talents, my friends, my faith, my peace of mind, my creativity, and even my enemies.

Happy Easter, All!

Seven Seas of Rhye

2010-04-01T10:16:00.000-07:00

April Fool's. I haven't partaken in any jokes today, but alas, the day is far from over. Ever woken up one morning and felt the need to do something completely different from your normal routine? Well, for me, this morning was one of those mornings. A day of ALL days. Okay, enough with the cliches. One is one too many. (Now two.) Damn.

"Heal over," sings KT Tunstall, "You're gunna be fine," as I get dressed and prepped for this day of MORE scholarship applications and cleaning. ZOUNDS. (Yes, I am bringing zounds back, just like sexy.) Now that I know where I'm going to college, how I might be able to pay for it, and what I want to study, my mind feels completely at ease. No more stress of worrying about acceptances as I only have 2 schools left to hear from, but even if I don't get in, that is alright since I am going to my dream school in my favorite place-Philly. So, perhaps next time I visit there I should try a Philly Cheese Steak :p even though I refuse to eat red meat on a normal basis, sometimes it's okay to splurge and try something new :p

Recently, there has been this craze of formspring and yes I do have one. It intrigues me. People ask completely random and sometimes inappropriate questions that they would never ask in real life because it is anonymous. Interesting. Man up and ask a person in real life. Honesty is something I really admire in a person so the ability to ask something that you really are wondering while letting your true identity be known is very commendable in my book. This, however, does not mean I want you to stop asking me questions, people. Cause I like answering them. Just please, include your name so I know who is asking me something, whether inappropriate or rude or funny. Alright, maybe I'll blog something later with more substance, maybe not. I'm a mystery, see? Even to myself.

Quotes of the day: "It's not what you are, it's what you don't become that hurts." ~Oscar Levant

"Truth is more of a stranger than fiction." ~Mark Twain

convo

2010-03-31T14:24:00.000-07:00

WHat is your probllemmm?

What is yours?

Can you spell?

Didn't think so.

Go to hell.

^Best conversation ever? I think not.

People need to stop being so angry and saying things that will negatively reflect them. Cause you aren't hurting me, you are hurting yourself and making yourself seem small.

The Serpent with My Heart (Poem by me)

2010-03-24T12:12:00.000-07:00

Eternal truth,

Words slither through your cracked lips,

I stare headfirst

Into the golden crop circles that

Seize me,

Possess me,

Swallow me,

and

Dissolve me.

Your shredded skin of yesterday set scattered on the split sod

Mislaying a stale stench as your stomach surges with your slaughter of yester(day).

Shattering,

Distancing myself from your grasp on my scruff,

I glance down to see no more feet but only your tail, rattling and taunting as you

Release me, dropping me to the soil.

Is this what you've made of me?

Ash is to ash is to ash is to ash is to ash

ash, ash, ash-ssh,

you sneer.

Stop Planning and LIVE and LET live

2010-03-23T18:53:00.000-07:00

Whoever says the perfect way to start and end ones day with reflecting is bad would be wrong. Most definitely. Here I sit, thinking back on all of the day's events and am especially happy with my accomplishments of the day: attending the St. Jude Rally where we wrote 2000!!! letters to family and friends to help donate money to research, taking and nailing two tests, blogging (right now), and overall enjoying the company of those around me.

Living for the moment, taking action, and diminishing the plans of every minute can help to truly experience each and every breath of every day. The beauty of true life may be lost throughout the shuffle of the day's craziness and business but one truly can feel the glory of each day if one takes a deep breath and just relaxes. Even for a second. Insert deep breath. :) Today I thought a lot about observing people and how different everyone truly is. It's sounds cliche that everyone is different and unique but just stare at someone long enough and their reactions always differ from another person. Some, I have noticed have squirmed, winked, smiled, and even called me "weird." Ha. I think it is their fear of not knowing what someone thinks about you that truly scares people. I've also realized today, to fully understand me, you have to know where I come from and what I've experienced...then everything else makes sense.

Alright, I have a lot of homework aka a whale of a Moby Dick essay to start/finish for Friday so I shall end this post with a quotation from Slaughterhouse 5, "Why you? Why us for that matter? Why anything? Because this moment simply is..There is no 'why.' So it goes."

Promenade?

2010-03-20T07:58:00.000-07:00

Talking about prom makes me uncomfortable. It is the imminent awaiting doom. It's not that I am upset or ashamed that I'm going stag or am angry that this one night will cost me mucho $$$ but it's the idea of all this anticipation and work for just one night that really twists my buttons.

I've started looking for a dress. It doesn't need to be the "perfect" dress, just one that will flatter me and my curves and height without too much fabric or cost. I'm quite proud that I'm able to go by myself (dateless) to prom, because it's something I think I need to accomplish on my own. I don't need someone to have a good time as much as I want someone. I can/will have a good time with my friends. I've really come a long way from the person I was last year who refused to go to prom without a date/had an anti prom party instead, which turned out to be just as fun. :)

Goodnight saigon.

Spring takes me the way I am

2010-03-19T15:18:00.000-07:00

Spring, spring is here. Ahead, before, in front, and now around us.

Do I like this? Yes. Very much so.

Just wish I could run and skip and be free.

Happy Birthday to my sister today!!! :D

Broken. :/

2010-03-15T19:35:00.001-07:00

I Am broken. Well, not all of me. Just my ankle. It's a lovely feeling. Not really. Need sleep. I've included too many fragments in this post. Just for memory of my once healthy ankle. Amen. Night.

Insert Jaws Theme Song

2010-03-15T03:13:00.000-07:00

As of now, it is a MONDAY morning at 6:14 AM which is really 5:14 am because of the "spring ahead." It is not even spring yet! I don't feel any awesome windy/warm weather, all I notice is the rain and the humidity and the cold and that I'M TIRED AND WANT MY HOUR OF SLEEP BACK! Doesn't the humanity know that when they take an hour away from over productive individuals, they're going to take it from their already small amount of sleep? Oh the HUMANITY, of Mondays! (End rant.)

I'm excited for the mail today. And tomorrow's mail. And the day after that's mail...etc. "Why, Carolyn?" You may inquire. Well, because of what may be in the mail. College decisions and any other mail addressed to "Ms. Carolyn R Thorn" have the power to make me jump up and down. So, for my next birthday, aka next year, if you want me to have a happy one...send me mail. At college ;) or my house because I'm sure my momma will forward it to me. :)

I feel quite selfish/whiny today so if I keep to myself today, I'm most likely just trying to restrain myself from complaining. Complaints, if not significant, annoy me and most likely annoy 89% of people. (I just made that statistic up because it sounded like a good, hearty number.)

BE prepared viewers, for I will be participating in the "Everybody" contest for Ingrid Michaelson soon. Currently working on my cover of it through the lovely gift of music theory.

It's just another Manic Monday. Enjoy and thatahthat's alll folks!

Sometimes when you dream, your dreams come true

2010-03-13T13:00:00.000-08:00

I didn't have to wait long. No, not long at all.

I have officially been accepted into the Boyer College of Music at Temple University :D!

My dreams are coming true. That sounds cliche, but it is the kind of cliche I can deal with as there truly are no other words to describe my ecstatic excitement!!!!!!!! (see, notice the obnoxious exclamation points! haha) Love and peace!

Tick tock tick tock...the scourge of waiting.

2010-03-11T16:42:00.000-08:00

I've never been one to just sit around, waiting for things to happen to me, so with this long, grueling process of college acceptances or denials (haven't received any yet THANK GOODNESS), and the only thing that can be done is wait, I believe I am going insane...Or something close to it. Reading Sylvia Plath's poems and letters home to her family isn't really boosting my moral, but it is SOMETHING that can be done. Another thing I have busied myself with is the next journey ahead of scholarships. Asking for money, or anything for that matter, is not something I am at all good at, so this task--making myself seem worthy/needy enough for the scholarships--has been not only daunting but disturbing my usual patterns of giving more than I receive. That's why I believe merit scholarships are a beautiful thing. I didn't even need to apply for them but there they come! :D

I must make a mental note to create a scholarship for teenagers headed for college when I can provide the means to do so when I'm an adult. I feel that people who create scholarships are very generous, compassionate people.

I've been writing A LOT recently, maybe not on here, but in my journal filled with new quotes and thoughts from my day to day experiences. Writing is a skill that can only be improved as one gets older. Also, poetry is an aquired taste. I used to love poetry, then became immersed with novels and stories, but am now slowly levitating and delving back into the land of poetry. Poets are the most unusual, intelligent beings--only they know how to craft words so eloquently together.

I'm excited to see what happens next in my life.

2010-03-10T11:03:00.000-08:00

Next to me is what I've been working on for a scholarship contest :) Let's hope they like the look of my future.

Snowfall kind of love

2010-02-25T15:08:00.000-08:00

As much as I love snow, I dislike this obscene amount of it. I mean, a little covering or blanket is beautiful but this, these 14 inches and counting is a cloud of doom! Outside is no longer a winter wonderland but an abyss of agony. I mean, I love being in my house with my family and snow days are delightful but cabin fever is definitely setting in right now at 6:15. I just want to go out. Not in the snow cause I already did that today to shovel and make a snowman (that failed) but go out instead to the mall or somewhere. Anywhere. I miss the summer for numerous reasons which shall go unsaid.

Anyway, I've spent a lot of time on the computer today...a little too much time. I must be going insane from some chemical in the brain I mean the computer haha.

Quote of the day: "When you spent your entire life with someone and they start to die, and you feel that severing, you do things without thinking because what you have to face is so unthinkable." ~From How to Make an American Quilt It was a fantastic movie; watch it.

The end is near? No, this is just the beginning!

2010-02-24T08:35:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkAhFk-aygY&feature=grec

Her story is absolutely incredible. She's changed the world one step at a time so I've decided to post her story on here. We all have a purpose and different experiences that make us all so beautiful and unique.

Please support and pray for To Write Love On Her Arms.

Also, this week is National Eating Disorders Awareness week, please remember to think of and pray for all those who struggle or have struggled with eating disorders. Hope is here. Trust me. A year ago I'd be rolling my eyes at someone who would write this, but I've experienced the pain first hand and now I experience life and all it's glory! Beauty is not in the superficial appearances but in the compassion and true actions that each human being is capable of achieving. It is a lifestyle filled with love, and faith, helping me and others to realize how each day has a succinct, important purpose. You can change the world, or even the world around you through your words and actions.

I live each day devoted to God, and try to reflect his image in my words and actions to bring hope to someone else who needs it. I'll be clear, I am NO saint, but I do attempt which God understands. We all have difficulties and imperfections, they are what make us human.

Feeling hope by one person and inspiring hope in others-- that is a cycle of love and happiness and trust. Not a cycle of pain. Surviving pain is what leads us to happiness. We have to get through those difficult moments in life to truly comprehend and feel the beauty of life in these new moments. Each day is a blessing one filled with ups and downs but you are not being judged for this. You are beautiful and can make a difference. Believe this and love this and trust this. You CAN make a difference.

You may think you have to strive for perfection, but you do NOT. Perfection isn't real, what is real is the lifestyle you lead and the effect you leave on others. You do not have to be perfect, you should be real, A true, genuine person. It takes hard work, but it is possible and is totally worth it.

Everyone wants a happy ending like in fairy tales, but there are no happy endings...only happy BEGINNINGS.

Surround yourself with love and positivity.

Peace to all,

Carolyn

Regina Spektor - "Us" [OFFICIAL video]

2010-02-15T06:14:00.001-08:00

YES. I love this song.

formspring.me

2010-02-11T14:44:00.001-08:00

You've got questions; I got answers. http://formspring.me/musicallyfit848

Day by Day

2010-02-07T17:29:00.000-08:00

Returning home from DDA's ( retreat weekends at CYFM) is always very difficult. Returning home to reality is even more difficult. Thankfully, I am making major positive changes in my life as a result of this day by day agape retreat. The girls I encountered inspired me as much as I inspired them. I told them of my conversion and transformation, showing them my true self, and ended up having my second real conversion and transformation. Being on this TEAM for the retreat has helped me in so many ways and I just can't wait to spread God's word to all who need/desire it. I needed this weekend. Thank the Lord.

Praising God with a completely full heart,

Carolyn

formspring.me

2010-02-03T11:02:00.001-08:00

What was your favorite year?

I'd like to go with 1996.. I was four with no worries and didn't know pain besides getting the occasional splinter.

You've got questions; I got answers.

Pro Speck Tive?

2010-01-20T12:28:00.000-08:00

What's your view on the world? Imagine one day in which you drastically change your schedule or break a social norm. Would that be the day people paid more attention to you? Are people who are beyond the normality of this society, like myself :p, doing the things we do for attention?

Personally, I don't think so. Today I've been thinking a lot about my prospective and how I view the world based on the experiences in my life and how I view others and why this is so. It's been one of those philosophical days so I beg forgiveness if I've been a little anti-social today; I'm just thinking.

The other day I started watching the new show, Life Unexpected, and even though the acting is terrible, I've found the "coincidental" plot to be rather entertaining. Now, we know what I'll be watching every Monday at 9 :) Anyway, the show reminded me of a novel, or short novel, that I began writing in my middle school years. Which led me to think about how I haven't written anything besides essays and blogs for the majority of the past three years. Goll-ey! That statistic seemed rather sad to me so from this day forward I'll be starting to write another novel, poems, and short stories along the way of the final year of my high school career. Wish me luck!

Use Somebody

2010-01-02T20:21:00.000-08:00

Look at me;Or my picture; For five seconds if you dare... Now, I'm petrified You are looking into my soul... or, just my face? Hmm. Well, I'm tired hence the craziness of this. I'm pretty stoked for DDA. What is DDA, you ask??

Life changing. The end.

http://www.givesmehope.com/ Check it out...This website-Gives me hope.

Under My Thumb

2009-12-29T09:27:00.001-08:00

Good morning, GOOD morning, Or afternoon; Whichever you prefer. Today is Tuesday, and there are only 2 days left of this year, and what a year it was. I'm positively enthused and excited to see what 2010 brings. It'll definitely be better than this past year.

So, I was looking through my notes of 2009 and thought I would finish a segment I started writing :)

A Retouched World

Look inside a magazine, at a TV commercial, a billboard and what do you see? What kind of image is the media throwing at you? A picture of a smiling, exceedingly skinny yet extremely curvy woman with long legs, definitive muscles and an unnatural glow of a tan, staring back at you, coercing you to buy the product she’s flaunting. Maybe she is even accompanied by an equally gorgeous man, with broad, ripped shoulders and a six pack that makes every woman (and guy for that matter) stare with envy. Photo retouchers for magazines spend over 12 hours on a photograph, fixing each and every minor imperfection that connects the photo to its reality. No wonder 42% of 1st-3rd grade girls want to be thinner. At such a young age, has this appearance obsessed society corrupted and stolen their youth? Maybe. Just maybe. Astonishingly enough, 1 out of 4 women, this doesn't include men, have some type of distorted eating patterns. Now, this must not be good for our culture that is trying to focus on our health rather than our weight.

Recently, many famous celebrities have "come out" with tales of their own experiences with ED,(Their eating disorders). Whether this is good or bad, what can we do to prevent the terror of every parent, having their child develop some sort of mental illness, is to focus on our positive qualities rather than the negative, living each day as a walking and talking positive example of health.

~Carolyn Thorn

Fixing a hole

2009-12-28T14:54:00.000-08:00

Hello all,

Now we all suffer from the after holidays fullness and depressed mindset; Aka, I've eaten so much these past days I could explode and there are no more presents to be opened :( Sad face. Well, I am surprisingly happy whilst the rest of you, my readers, are sad. Would you like to know my secret? Well, I'd share that if I knew! When I find out, if I find out I'll let you all know.

Enjoy this time of rest and relaxation and family and friends, and indulge. You have a whole 'nother year to make up for those calories. :) At least that's what I'm telling myself.

In the meantime I'm keeping busy with This is Not a Book. Look it up. It's an incredible journey.

Christmas Hopes

2009-12-25T07:11:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas!

I've recently read so many inspiring things that I thought I would share them ALL with you and my own story as I have neglected to share that with you.

Before that, Let me wish you all a beautiful and relaxing day...and I have been accepted to College of St. Rose and PACE University in NYC, so far. Yippee! :) Dreams do come true.

Now here is my story, I hope to inspire as I have been inspired on this glorious day!

In the ninth grade and tenth, I battled a major conflict between myself, an eating disorder, and societies’ expectations on the typical ideal of beauty. All my childhood years I had been seen as the chubby one; the girl who wasn’t extraordinarily good-looking but always kind and outgoing. It led to taunting by others and even having no friends for a while. When I got to the ninth grade, I made the decision to lose weight--by any means possible. At first my weight loss process had been calm, as it fell in step with my daily life activities. Slowly, the calorie counting, the need for controlling the healthy meals I would eat, and the hour-and-a-half-daily exercise began to take over my entire life.

It’s one of those things that you read about in magazines, that you never believe would ever take over your life, heart, soul, mind, and identity. I measured everything I ate, and thought that I was eating enough, I truly believed that. Even when the doctors and everyone around me, screamed at me that I had Anorexia Nervosa, I believed that I was just living a healthy lifestyle. It’s just something I got caught into, until it became the complete focus of my brain, the desperation of every breath I took, the very thing that was slowly killing me, yet I would Not, Could Not live without. Eventually, deep down inside I knew I was an exercise anorexic and lied to everyone about my eating patterns. My diet mantra continued for a while until I became very sick and was told that I would die if I continued to lose anymore weight. I grew farther and farther away from everyone, including my own self. I went from 160 pounds, at a height of 5 foot 10, to 110 pounds...in less than a year. Yet I believed that I was “perfect,” although never fully satisfied with my weight. I agreed to start gaining weight when they told me that I had no estrogen in my body, meaning that I almost stopped the chances of ever having a child. My menstrual cycle completely stopped. I was not, in my mind, a normal girl anymore. It was very difficult for me to gain weight, with my fast-burning metabolism and the feeling that I constantly had to shove food in my mouth and I became deeply saddened at the thought of losing my “perfect” image that society had thrust upon me. Being tall and skinny and beautiful became my identity. I relied on my looks, read less than ever before and even chose exercising at the gym over doing my homework.

The transition from that moment to who I am now--confident, strong, smart, independent, beautiful (inside and outside), and healthy--took more courage and effort than anything else I have accomplished in my life, as I battled the hardest of my life, my own mind. Surviving not only helped me to appreciate life, as I was so close to death, but granted me an opportunity to truly understand the power of one’s own mind, whether for good purposes or bad.

I hope this finds you all well...Here are some other websites that have inspired me to inspire you.

www.givesmehope.com

http://www.healthytippingpoint.com/

http://operationbeautiful.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKPaxD61lwo&feature=player_embedded

Merry Christmas to all and to ALL a good night :)

Love,

Carolyn

Sickness...it's a virtue?

2009-12-10T11:28:00.000-08:00

Here I am for the third day, stuck at home with the flu. Although I am a billion times better than Monday night, I still can't help but feel bored, tired, lightheaded, and sick. I miss my friends, my family, school, and even dun dun DUNN the insane amount of stuff I'm used to participating in. Oh well, thankfully yesterday was a snow day so I won't be missing quite as much work. I will, however, be back to school on Monday! Yippee!

Due to my wobbly stomach, I haven't been able to drink hot chocolate or continue with my 26 days of Christmas celebration project but in due time I shalt return to it. For now, pictures of the winter wonderland will have to suffice as my appearance is not swell enough to be photographed-there's not enough photo shopping in the world that could fix this mess. :p

Anyway, sending all my love and prayers and I thank you all who have prayed for me during the tragic night of Monday into Tuesday as they were pretty brutal for me. Oh silly immune system; let's not go through this again. Alrighty, needing more sleep again along with finishing Frankenstein for school. :)

Ps, remember kiddies to stay healthy, this one isn't a pretty thing!! And it's also not easy being green...

Most Musical Superlative

2009-12-07T13:37:00.001-08:00

As of recently, I've become genuinely happy. Filled with the sort of infectious happiness that I used to envy- ALL the time. :)

I don't dwell on my mistakes yet move on and grow from them. Although I may still constantly wonder if I will find my soulmate sometime on this earth, I still am enjoying life as it comes.

Now for the most exciting news..

I'm most musical for senior superlatives with Makenzie and Harrison :D

Yay for the little world in my head.

We are Family...

2009-12-05T14:16:00.000-08:00

Today I ran 4 miles in 40 minutes, a major accomplishment for me as I always tend to run slower on the treadmill than when I am running on the track. Besides that,

IT IS SNOWING! :) Finally, it seems like Christmas time. I love snow--the smell, sight, and cold feeling totally makes my heart smile.

My family is also ALL here. Loving the time I get to spend with them and the fact that Tricia and Jack travelled all the way here to see my play makes me feel so special.

Update:

Still working on my college stuff- two supplements left. They're nasty. :p

Other than that, I love not being ridiculously busy, it gives me more time for myself and others and less time to feel upset/anxious. It was a tough week for me in that respect, but I survived thankfully. Imagine if I didn't survive...then I would not have this sensational overwhelming loving feeling I am experiencing. Amen sista girl. Now I shall go spend more time with family. :)

Go Go Go Go GO.....now, relax.

2009-12-04T12:39:00.000-08:00

Ever have a really stressful and busy week that seems like one long continuous run on sentence? Well, this week has been it for me.

But I am proud to say I survived, with only a few scratches on the way.

And now, I am relaxing *insert a deep breath* until tonight. :p

Watching Gilmore Girls makes me happy inside!

Running, running, running! See my brain can't keep one sane thought for a long time at once.

That's alright. Be back when I fall over from exhaustion.

Wow.

2009-12-01T10:40:00.001-08:00

First off, HAPPY FIRST DAY OF THE 25 Days of Christmas!

I'm not sure if anyone reads my blog, but a friend told me she was so HELLO Soulmate. :)

I have started a holiday project to get my mindset into the "season," in which I will take a photo a day of hot chocolate (drinking it as well, of course) until the actual holiday. If you want to follow my project, friend me on facebook and look at my album entitled, "26 Days of Christmas" and yes that is not a typo of the number since I started yesterday. On Christmas I will create a surprise for the big day. Sounds juvenile? Well, yes, but I believe that's where all the fun comes from.

PS. I'm just going to point out that my blogging intention is a way to express myself. So, that's my disclosure if you will. :p

On towards today's agenda/topic: College Essay Numero Dos

Dun, dun, DUNNN!

It's scary, I know. There isn't any real reason for this to be any more challenging for me, but I believe I have a mental brick wall that is limiting my creativity in that essay. And boy do I need creativity. Another prospective reason as to why I'm so afeard of the ___Essay Question is because ___ is my first choice school. I just fell in love with it the moment I heard of it, knowing that's where I want to be. Plus, visiting was an amazing experience. So, how do I express this feeling or desperation without stating it?! (I'm not naming it because if I don't get in or end up there I might seem a little silly, so we'll leave this open ended.)

Any thoughts on what I could write about for personal achievements after college?

All for now. :)

Randy Pausch Last Lecture: Achieving Your Childhood Dreams

2009-11-30T11:35:00.001-08:00

I just read his book. His message to us all is very inspiring.

All You Need is Love/ All I want for Christmas

2009-11-30T11:09:00.000-08:00

An AP Music Theory project led me to this song, again. As it is a favorite of mine, but now I can't possibly get it out of my head.

I haven't substantially blogged in a pretty decent amount of time so I suppose it's time to get this ball rolling again. Hope you all had a fantastic Thanksgiving. And now for a checklist update on my minor accomplishments so far:

College Applications Complete: Check

Cleaned room: Check

College Essay: Check

Supplements: Two and a half left! :)

English 3 week Essay: not so check.

Gym Training: CHECK!

Reading oodles of books everyday: CHECKKKKK.

Lots of accomplishments: Priceless.

No matter how minor they may seem, they sure mean a lot to me as all were stresses on my daily life. Proscenium seems to be the major stressor now, but that's not something I can change slightly without it becoming a major issue. I'm at a place in my life where I am OK. Finally.

Body image, update: I'm slender and slim, not skinny, and I am OKAY with that. I need to stop trying to be something I'm not, and this goes for everyone I believe. Be comfortable in your own skin, stand tall (haha), strong, and confident.

Now for another update or new news I should say.

All I want for Christmas is Cash or checks made out to Carolyn Thorn. I am donating all my Christmas money to Invisible Children. If you Must get me a present then please go to the Invisible Children's website and but something like a bracelet for me. The profit still goes to the cause I'm supporting this holiday season. I have received so many beautiful presents over the years and now I want to give back, I do not need anything besides acceptance letters (keep fingers crossed) and tuition money and You dear friends and family cannot provide this for me as much as you would love to. And I really appreciate your efforts to. But let's be reasonable and compassionate this Holiday Season and help me donate all my money over Christmas to Invisible Children. Peace is the most important gift on Earth. Amen.

college frustrations

2009-11-08T06:20:00.000-08:00

With everything happening at once in my life, dance recitals, Joseph final rehearsals, HOMEWORK, college applications, maintaining my voice--I think I've lost touch of me.

I used to think of lack of food or starvation as power and weakness as healthy. Today, I'm truly trying not to. It's hard but as my mom said I'm hot now. haha.

Anywho, I'm trying not to let things that used to bug me, get to me and really really miss my family and friends. Really. So, after all the craziness, expect me to be bugging the heck out of y'all. :)

Love and peace.

Ps. Buy tickets? Thanks :) http://www.jproscenium.org/joseph.shtml