A realization.

I can't remember a time where I wasn't self conscious about my height, weight, shape, and overall size.

Now, that may be a strong statement to start this blog entry off, considering I haven't blogged in a hell of a long time, but it's the truth and I want to admit it. I'm coming clean. I'm throwing out the old and horrid ways and wrapping myself in a warm blanket of new and unfamiliar. Which is Exciting, actually. Notice how I capitalize the exciting :p.

As I was taking my Saturday morning shower, after an intense and fun night in Philly, I've come to realize how coping mechanisms can really hurt you in the end. What do you mean by this, Carolyn? Well! What I mean is, back in the pre-adolescent days of glasses, acne, bad haircuts, braces, and baby fat, I was a victim of bullying. It was pretty bad, as I was taunted and teased, being called "a boy," the "grossest girl ever," "fat ass," "pig (followed by an oink)," "loser," and most commonly, "so weird." After a long time of these painful taunts, I began to make "I don't care what anyone else thinks" as my philosophy and way of life, something that would only add to the fuel of my eating disorder. When the battle ignited, I chose to ignore again that I was "too thin" this time, and instead believed that I was the most beautiful girl in the world because of my thin-ness. I didn't believe that being "too thin" could make me sick or hurt others when it only involved myself. But it did. See, everything must be in moderation, otherwise someone is "fat, too thin, or even too healthy" that it restrains your potential to live fully and enjoy every moment.

So now you're wondering, what are her thoughts on her present body situation. Sure, I have my struggles, but I'm aiming to find the beauty in each part of myself, as each situation I go through presents itself to me as a challenge. But challenges are meaningful parts of life.

What I'm getting at, I think, is that I have my doubts, but so does everyone. All I know now is to not limit myself to "I don't care what others say" but rather, I'll take their opinions in stride and make my own opinions on myself based on my reality and not the fantasy of my eccentric and somewhat insane mind.

Back to reality, which can sometimes suck,

Peace and Positivity,

Carolyn