The Present. The Now.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being the cute and funny one, the best friend, the person who people look at from afar and admire. I want someone to break through the plastic bubble surrounding me and really GET me. Take hold of my heart, rather than the opposite way around. I'm tired of failing tries on my end. Especially now in this new place where I'm struggling to take hold of my own self.
...

I get butterflies in my tummy when I think of you, when I see you, when I sit next to you, when I speak to you.
The future Carolyn Thorn, I love you.

Just Thoughts on Past and Current Dislocation of Soul

Dislocation: Past.
I'm misplaced. Caught up in my ever insane mind, I can't get out or even find where exactly I am in here. There's no internet, no GPS, no maps, I'm left stranded with only my gut directional sense leading me deeper and deeper out of sight. My colorful clothes and shiny personality no longer have the means to keep me in the light, I'm falling into anonymity and the worst part is I'm okay with that. This isn't fair to those who claim they love me, I know, but certain things are harder to survive.

You don't love me anymore, but rather think of me with a bitter taste in your mouth, you told me this over a text message. Jealous that I have potential as you sit there burnt out. I'm breaking free yet getting further lost. At least this time I'll be sober, more than I can say about you. I don't pity you anymore and you don't admire me anymore, that's how come our connection is broken. Was that really love or were we both just using each other to try to feel something real in this pathetic existence. I did love you, but you were never in love with me. You're too selfish to share anything with anyone. I'm not bitter, however, I'm just finally fully aware at how my love has always gone unrequited. I want to be touched again. Not just physically but deeply touched. I want to smile using all of my heart. I don't want to search for this, however. I want someone to find me.

What love really means...

I gave up 5 days of my life to go on retreat at Capuchin Youth and Family Ministries to help with Habitat for Humanity. But it was so much more than escaping reality. It was incredible. Utterly incredible. Brought back my faith in humanity and renewed lots of friendships with people I hadn't seen in a while and met a whole bunch of great people.

I built cabinets/counters for this transitional housing apartments (3 in total) carried bunches of doors up three stories and helped to get lumber from a lumber yard/through away scrap metal. Lots of work and sweat but so worth it, knowing that one day a family will be living there.

~ct

The Sky is Falling!!!!!

Now that I've grabbed your attention, pay a close amount of it to what I'm about to explan.

Hypothetically, you're in a relationship. Where you ADORE, utterly adore and are in admiration of your partner, and the partner is only there because you are cute looking yet feel so strongly for them. Well, slowly, but surely, the great feeling the partner has, about being adored in such a strong way, will collapse and will in turn be replaced by first, confusion, and finally, suffocation. Both partners need to adore each other in such a way that you can bend a little before someone/something breaks.
Admiration=Suffocation?

Just thinking out loud, in blogger form.

~ct

Lessons&Resolutions (just your stereotypical new years' eve)

Not to be sentimental at all but here are a few of the many things that I've learned this year:

Letting Go is oh so important.

Lies spread like wildfire.

I don't have a gnome down under, if you know what I mean. ;)

Graduating high school doesn't give you entitlement, it just makes you more confused.

I love The L Word and Freaks and Geeks.

If they mess with you, give em hell. Or you could forgive and forget. Either is an option pending on how much sleep you have.

Tomorrow doesn't know what's coming.

I have met the greatest people EVER in college.

I love singing more than anything else.

Confidence makes you SEXY.

Red lipstick/makeup also helps as a confidence booster.

Be nice to the earth.

Karma is like that bitchy best friend who will always come to you at the most inconvenient times.

Chipped, blue nailpolish has been on my fingertips all year.

Playing the Ukulele, I feel most connected to the world. It's the realest feeling, I've had.

Most important thing I've learned: Carpe Diem.

And now for resolutions:
Same old, same old.
And: Be free to be ME . The me I want to be.
Sing a new song-Each day. If you can't sing it, cause you can't find it in existance already; write it.
Learn to bend a little or you will break.
Don't search for love, let it find you.

Home equals Christmas

I know I'm home during Christmas when there are cookies everywhere. We never have cookies here and yet they surround me, choke me even. Which is also totally fine by me, especially with all the Christmas books, tree, lights, and other holiday goodies as a constant reminder for my family's reason for the season. I also think that seeing little socks made for two year olds are the cutest things ever.
It's weird to be home and not be expected to go to class. Or to be expected to get things done.
It's weird when I realize that I've been away for four months and come back and almost nothing yet everything has changed. Weird right?
Makes one think about things more closely.
Alright, now I'ma get ready to go and see Black Swan.
To Do for tomorrow:
Make list for Christmas.
Shop.
Visit friends.
Repeat...

Another Poem from an Optimistic Ophelia

Look into my eyes and find yourself.
The person you believe you've misplaced.
The curve of your lip and strength of your chest,
as it alone
keeps your heart enclosed,
trapped forever beneath a mess of muscles, blood, and bones;
The heat of your smile and warmth of your hand, gently holds me-
holds all of me
in your grasp.
With eyes so sad, so injured,
yet hopeful,
you plead through them for me not to hurt you.
But what you don't know is that this is only the first, never the last.
Our embrace will never end as time may try to tatter and tear us apart.
Each time you lay your head tenderly on my shoulder,
and give me love marks,
you not only leave signs in the morning on my skin,
but on my soul, my heart, my memory.
This is only the first of us.
Can't you see that?
And there will never be a last.
This is my promise, my vow, my pact.
~ct

Kill them with kindness...

Day 03289759279- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
I'm proud that I've been able to be open to change and accept in all my unique traits and even new interests that I never wanted to admit we're there but have always been there. What is it? Something for me to know and get used to and for you to be patient and in due time will find out. I'm also proud that I've been hanging out with friends rather than on my lonesome.

Currently, I'm in the tech center, procrastinating and watching the couple next to me play footsie as I write this. Do you know what I love? Holding hands. Anyone's hand, it doesn't matter who, and can totally be platonic but just the warmth of another makes me heart smile.

This week's goal before turkey day is to kill em with kindness. Take that anyway you want, I care only for my own definition of the mantra, phrase if you will. Alright, folks, this thorny girl has got to learn how to play some Bb, Eb, and Ab scales on piano with the diatonic triads. Yeehaw!!

It's just pretend, my dear.

Utter those three words and I'll smile.
Understand my faults and love me for all my imperfections. All I ask for, is love.
Love, love, love, not that puppy dog kind, we're in the major leagues now and you're up to bat.
But, you aren't well enough, yet, my love. I wish you were. Time will only tell where this will go but for now I'll sit and smile.
Because, you told me those three words.

You, I love.

Day 3-With Minor Complications

WELL. Since blogger is being a bum and not letting me upload my pics, I'm a little sad. But, I can skip to the next task :D And invite you all to check out my facebook for recent pictures if you're dying for them

Task for day four should be the habits I hate of myself, but you get them a day early. Such excitement.

I wish I didn't have the habits of flipping my hair, biting my nails, touching my face or arms or body part nervously/subconsciously, and how I pull away from people after a certain amount of time, either resulting from boredom or just overall fear of rejection. I also am not a fan of how much I procrastinate when I really plain ahead to prevent the night-before-it's-due rush! One day...I will conquer you. One day..

Til the sun shines.

Carolyn

Back to that old site, but for good.

Confession time: I used to be obsessed with a calorie counting website to the point where if a forum said not to eat something, I wouldn't. Well, I put a post up a while ago aka junior year and remembered of it this night. I thought I'd share it with y'all since I haven't posted in a while and have been slacking. Comments are needed for this and it's imput.

The media really puts pressure on teens to look a certain way and to act a certain way. They show pictures of emaciated models and label them pretty, well honestly, even those models don't look that "Perfect" in real life as the media also retouches their pictures. So, what does this mean for us teens? PERFECTION is NOT real. Say that. "I do NOT have to feel like I must obtain, strive for, seek, and/or need "PERFECTION"!!! <--sorry i'm very passionate about this as a recovering ED and depression victim.

So, I want to help you from whatever situation you are in in life. Whatever obstacle it may be, just remember that is one microscopic speck in the ENTIRETY of your life.

Now please know how amazing, different, incredible each one of us are!! Take the time to think of your talents, and qualities you like in yourself especially when you're feeling in the dumps. Trust me, I've had quite a lot of those times in my life. Actually, there are probably more sad times than happy in my life but that's why one should count the blessings they are given.

So, here's where you can respond. :P I kinda wrote a lot but I'm very enthusiastic hehe. List the things you like about yourself. Come on, just do it, brag a little.

Okay, I'll start. I love my posture, hair, height (at times), athletic, acting and singing abilities, my outgoingness, my smile and teeth, kindness, attitude on life, musical abilities, my pride, my individuality, my personal beliefs and politics, and my hands and feet. :p

Try it. Afterwords, you'll feel great. Trust me.

Pack pack PACKING

So, no one warns you just how much packing for college is. They give a hint but not the full picture. Well, it's a lot of work. GROWL. haha

Listening to a homemade playlist, wishing I was famous so I could be Katy Perry's bestest friend and packing... good plan for the next two days cause on wednesday I'll be trekking to Philly. 

Peace and love. 

Oh, and I survived pneumonia. 

Summer's over and it's raining. How happy!

A Trek Through Doctors' Offices for The Holy Grail of a Low Fat Blueberry Muffin

Hoorah. 

I don't know why I just said that, for I feel like saying anything other than that. 

Background info to this story: Having had a chronic headache since graduation, and waking up with body aches and fatigue this morning, my mommy suggests seeing the doctor for treatment. 

Story: Now, with another type of doctor appointment already scheduled for this day, the total hours expected to be in a doctor's office would be 2 instead of 1. But, knowing these doctors' offices, that was a way too optimistic outlook. 5 hours were spent waiting and being poked and prodded in total from the 2 appointments. Oh joy. 

     Well, in the first waiting room, I got the beautiful yet annoying crave for, you guessed it, a low fat blueberry muffin. Why a low fat one? Because a girl's conscience of ingesting oodles of calories in a delicious, bakery treat can be salvaged if something is titled, "Low Fat." Not only was that a requirement of this muffin I desired, but it must be one from Dunkin Donuts. My mind is a strange place. So, at the doctor's office I waited, patiently, so that I could go and buy this gift of mankind. 

     With the fear of mono in toe, I arrive to my second appointment: the pediatrician, yes I still go to that for I am a child forever. The doctor plays off my illness as either a virus or sinus infection. Pills were prescribed which I then had to bring to the pharmacy..yada yada yada. 

     Still, I waited for the muffin. 

     Now, there are a lot, emphasis on A LOT, of Dunkin Donuts in my area, spread semi far apart from each other yet in a relatively close enough area. So, I decide to wait for this beast of a muffin as a reward for after I gave in my prescription. Tummy growls loudly here since I hadn't eaten since 9 and it was 3:30, and this is a long time, coming from the girl who eats 4 small meals a day. Luckily enough, the pharmacy and Dunkin Donuts are awfully close. It would seem that karma is on my side. So, I bring the prescription in as the guy barks off to me that, 'it'll take ten minutes,' in a creepily similar tone to the guy on the phone of the Chinese takeout place..hmm. There I leave my soon-to-be meds, and off I go to the closest Dunkin Donuts. Upon arrival at the DD, I have a twinge of pain which only happens when I sense something bad is going to happen, and boy does it happen!

     Not only did the boy at the counter seem clueless to his position, as I had to tap him for his attention, but informs me in his cap pulled over his eyes and unstylish Dunkin outfit, that they DO NOT have a low fat blueberry muffin, only a regular full-fattened one, and could I, would I just buy that instead? WHAT?! Pandemonium. No, I respond but at this point my stomach is crying in anguish from being deprived.  

     If I had been my normal, confident, flirtatious, beautified and outgoing self, <--LOL,  at that moment, I would have flashed him my smirk and batted my eyelashes and asked would he go in the back to see if there were any low fat blueberry muffins available? But, I was just an un-showered, sickly, and sweatpants-wearing girl with desperately-needed-to-be-tweezed-eyebrows. Therefore, I said nothing. 

     So what is a girl with a growling stomach to do, instead, but buy an eggwhite flatbread sandwhich at this fine establishment? Honestly, if you were in my case, you'd buy one too. I didn't have my usual go-getter attitude so I just sacrificed for the good of the...wait, what the hell was I sacrificing for?! I'm sick, dammit! So, I quickly eat the unsatisfying goodness of the sandwich, pick up my prescription, and decide that I AM getting my low fat blueberry muffin. 

    This adventure takes me back to where I started from, near the initial doctor's office. Boo. What a waste of gas, an economical junkie would say. But Carolyn Thorn's brain was saying, Show me the Muffin!! Into the drive-in I proceed, and Hallelujah, a LOW FAT blueberry muffin is given in exchange for a $1.45. Praise the Lord. Amen. 

     I think there is something erotic and magnificent about a low fat blueberry muffin. I can't quite put my finger of it but I know the qualities are there. If I was to worship a food, besides the baked potato of course, this one would take the cake, win the prize, beat out all the others. Or maybe, just maybe, that is just my cravings talking. 

Happy Tuesday! 

The Past is a butthead? Yup.

You're better than that. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsSRW8XN-pk

Watch and smile cause you're worth it!

Sometimes...The things one realizes after 8 days of Precious Moments

    Sometimes my lungs can't handle the air i'm breathing. I get pulled in a world of fantasy stuck in my head of stories. Sometimes I pay more attention to blinking and my heart thumping than my own thoughts. Sometimes I find love in the most inconvenient of times. Sometimes I realize things aren't meant to be. Sometimes I realize they are. That's what this week has shown me. 

     It's crazy to know how tired I get off of 5 hours of sleep a night. Encouraging, sharing, loving, sighing, being...how should I feel here? I'm in the middle, not stuck but merely floating, wading and lightly lapping the water to push towards the surface. Dangerously close to the edge of the bridge with one foot planted on solid ground. People think I'm fine now. But, I know they're wrong. I'm not okay, but I devote each day aiming to to be so one day. As long as I keep trying and holding on I'm sure some sort of positive change will come as my karma level musy be at an incredibly high and positive level. Oh well. 

Don't know what to think about this experience of CAM. I've gained close friends but lost who I thought I was and have become more confused about who I am. That's scary to me because if I can't figure out how can I understand anything else? Like 2 plus 2. Shouldn't equal four? Who knows...?

    I'm not as talented as many, prettier, skinner, funnier, nicer, more honest, or open, but I am me. That's all one can strive to be right? 

Pretending, being, encouraging, inspiring:

Watch Meryl Streep give her humble, inspirational speech:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-a8QXUAe2g&playnext_from=TL&videos=-Jdh8doa9Yc&feature=featured

She's incredible. And way too humble. 

Happy Fathers Day from 10 Things I Hate About You

Walter Stratford: You know fathers don't like to admit it when their daughters are capable of running their own lives. It means we've become spectators. Bianca still let's me play a few innings - you've had me on the bench for years. When you go to Sarah Lawrence, I won't even be able to watch the game.
Kat Stratford: *When* I go?
Walter Stratford: Oh, boy. Don't tell me you changed your mind. I already sent 'em a check.
[Kat gasps in surprise, then hugs her father]

I've found love...

     So I'm involved with two beauties. They are called Eat Pray Love and Girl, Interrupted. Oh wait, you thought I meant a boy? Nope. Obviously I meant books, cause they're my true loves and until someone can change that for me, that is how it will remain and I am overly fine with that fact. 

     I spent a good deal of my evening reading Girl, Interrupted as it just captured me in and wouldn't let me go! I started reading Eat Pray Love first, but realized that I should get through the hard stuff of my past so that I can truly be free to enjoy the experience of the book. What other way is greater than reading about all those mental disorders than reading them in a heartbreakingly witty book by Susana Kaysen? :) 

Alright, plan for today: go to church, walk, read some more, go see INGRID MICHAELSON perform. I'm so blessed to have that as part of my schedule for today. Thank God! 

Happiness is not just two kinds of ice cream, it's the whole combination of ice cream and cone. 

You'll Always Be My Thunder, So Bring on the Rain.

His smile melts my heart as he holds me in his arms and whispers, "I love you. You're amazing!" It feels so right yet I know it is wrong for his heart belongs not to me but her. He only loves me like a brother, not as a lover, anymore. He denies our past but can't seem to stop toying with my heart. Takes my hands into his and says how much he misses me--staring into his eyes, that brown, brown sea, I'm lost and this is unhealthy. I need to get out of the past and be happy with what I got. Not fair to the present and everyone involved, oh God. I know it's dangerous to ask but why not me? Why not me? Why she? 

I need to stop listening to West Side Story music. And reading my blue old journal. Both things do not make for a good mood, yet Gilmore Girls does, so let's go watch that.

I also need to make my invitations to my grad party.. :)

An Atypical Rant on Society and Teenage Dating

How does society go from eloquently, well thought out phrases and stanzas to profess one's love, with pages of ink splattering, intense and frenzied writing to now just a text message saying, "Heyyy," or worse, the "waz up?" conversation starter? I believe that if a guy wants to court me, he'll have to work at it. It will be a process that takes patience and persistance. Obviously, this will sort out the ones who truly care from the ones who just like my appearance. The end of high school is fast approaching (17 days!!! but hey, who's counting? :p) and I am very excited for the future. I can't wait til I can run again. Damn ankle. Running seems to be something so incredible to me so let's pray that my ankle makes a speedy recovery. 

         As I write this, it's like I am talking to someone in my head; how incredible. The brain perplexes me as it's such a miraculous instrument. 

I noticed also today that people LOVE to feel like another, at least one other person, "gets" them. As a culture, being alone is seen with a bad connotation, making one feel deserted and misunderstood. I, on the other hand, love being difficult, different, and unique, yet have my share of doubts every once in a while, especially on nights like tonight. Send me positive love.