The Future. Tomorrow, maybe?

I wish to be invaded. I wish to be entwined with someone who knows me. All of me. The things that many others don't know about me, I wish for someone to know. I want someone to capture the wild parts and tame parts of myself alike. I want to be plumaged and left a mess. Then, I'd be sure I'm actually feeling and then I can put myself together again. I like that process.

I'm looking for companionship. No questions asked because they should already know the answers. No daunting small talk, let's skip that please. I'm looking for a friend who will be a lover, someone to be there to hold my hand and cuddle anytime we're both free too. Someone who will help ignite my passion and continue to fuel it so that my creativity never diminishes. Inspiration not suffocation. I'd like that an awful lot.

For myself, I'd love to not be so hard on myself. (Awkward wording?) I'd also love to be free to be me in every philosophical and literal meaning of that. I'd love to not be so lonely when in a crowded room. I'd just adore completeness with myself.
"I'm looking for something to fill the holes"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_t68m5k9J_U
"I will fill my own holes..."

Alright, now onto "Girl, Interrupted," homework, and sleep.

The Present. The Now.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being the cute and funny one, the best friend, the person who people look at from afar and admire. I want someone to break through the plastic bubble surrounding me and really GET me. Take hold of my heart, rather than the opposite way around. I'm tired of failing tries on my end. Especially now in this new place where I'm struggling to take hold of my own self.
...

I get butterflies in my tummy when I think of you, when I see you, when I sit next to you, when I speak to you.
The future Carolyn Thorn, I love you.

Lessons&Resolutions (just your stereotypical new years' eve)

Not to be sentimental at all but here are a few of the many things that I've learned this year:

Letting Go is oh so important.

Lies spread like wildfire.

I don't have a gnome down under, if you know what I mean. ;)

Graduating high school doesn't give you entitlement, it just makes you more confused.

I love The L Word and Freaks and Geeks.

If they mess with you, give em hell. Or you could forgive and forget. Either is an option pending on how much sleep you have.

Tomorrow doesn't know what's coming.

I have met the greatest people EVER in college.

I love singing more than anything else.

Confidence makes you SEXY.

Red lipstick/makeup also helps as a confidence booster.

Be nice to the earth.

Karma is like that bitchy best friend who will always come to you at the most inconvenient times.

Chipped, blue nailpolish has been on my fingertips all year.

Playing the Ukulele, I feel most connected to the world. It's the realest feeling, I've had.

Most important thing I've learned: Carpe Diem.

And now for resolutions:
Same old, same old.
And: Be free to be ME . The me I want to be.
Sing a new song-Each day. If you can't sing it, cause you can't find it in existance already; write it.
Learn to bend a little or you will break.
Don't search for love, let it find you.

Another Poem from an Optimistic Ophelia

Look into my eyes and find yourself.
The person you believe you've misplaced.
The curve of your lip and strength of your chest,
as it alone
keeps your heart enclosed,
trapped forever beneath a mess of muscles, blood, and bones;
The heat of your smile and warmth of your hand, gently holds me-
holds all of me
in your grasp.
With eyes so sad, so injured,
yet hopeful,
you plead through them for me not to hurt you.
But what you don't know is that this is only the first, never the last.
Our embrace will never end as time may try to tatter and tear us apart.
Each time you lay your head tenderly on my shoulder,
and give me love marks,
you not only leave signs in the morning on my skin,
but on my soul, my heart, my memory.
This is only the first of us.
Can't you see that?
And there will never be a last.
This is my promise, my vow, my pact.
~ct

Back to that old site, but for good.

Confession time: I used to be obsessed with a calorie counting website to the point where if a forum said not to eat something, I wouldn't. Well, I put a post up a while ago aka junior year and remembered of it this night. I thought I'd share it with y'all since I haven't posted in a while and have been slacking. Comments are needed for this and it's imput.

The media really puts pressure on teens to look a certain way and to act a certain way. They show pictures of emaciated models and label them pretty, well honestly, even those models don't look that "Perfect" in real life as the media also retouches their pictures. So, what does this mean for us teens? PERFECTION is NOT real. Say that. "I do NOT have to feel like I must obtain, strive for, seek, and/or need "PERFECTION"!!! <--sorry i'm very passionate about this as a recovering ED and depression victim.

So, I want to help you from whatever situation you are in in life. Whatever obstacle it may be, just remember that is one microscopic speck in the ENTIRETY of your life.

Now please know how amazing, different, incredible each one of us are!! Take the time to think of your talents, and qualities you like in yourself especially when you're feeling in the dumps. Trust me, I've had quite a lot of those times in my life. Actually, there are probably more sad times than happy in my life but that's why one should count the blessings they are given.

So, here's where you can respond. :P I kinda wrote a lot but I'm very enthusiastic hehe. List the things you like about yourself. Come on, just do it, brag a little.

Okay, I'll start. I love my posture, hair, height (at times), athletic, acting and singing abilities, my outgoingness, my smile and teeth, kindness, attitude on life, musical abilities, my pride, my individuality, my personal beliefs and politics, and my hands and feet. :p

Try it. Afterwords, you'll feel great. Trust me.

Sometimes...The things one realizes after 8 days of Precious Moments

    Sometimes my lungs can't handle the air i'm breathing. I get pulled in a world of fantasy stuck in my head of stories. Sometimes I pay more attention to blinking and my heart thumping than my own thoughts. Sometimes I find love in the most inconvenient of times. Sometimes I realize things aren't meant to be. Sometimes I realize they are. That's what this week has shown me. 

     It's crazy to know how tired I get off of 5 hours of sleep a night. Encouraging, sharing, loving, sighing, being...how should I feel here? I'm in the middle, not stuck but merely floating, wading and lightly lapping the water to push towards the surface. Dangerously close to the edge of the bridge with one foot planted on solid ground. People think I'm fine now. But, I know they're wrong. I'm not okay, but I devote each day aiming to to be so one day. As long as I keep trying and holding on I'm sure some sort of positive change will come as my karma level musy be at an incredibly high and positive level. Oh well. 

Don't know what to think about this experience of CAM. I've gained close friends but lost who I thought I was and have become more confused about who I am. That's scary to me because if I can't figure out how can I understand anything else? Like 2 plus 2. Shouldn't equal four? Who knows...?

    I'm not as talented as many, prettier, skinner, funnier, nicer, more honest, or open, but I am me. That's all one can strive to be right? 

You'll Always Be My Thunder, So Bring on the Rain.

His smile melts my heart as he holds me in his arms and whispers, "I love you. You're amazing!" It feels so right yet I know it is wrong for his heart belongs not to me but her. He only loves me like a brother, not as a lover, anymore. He denies our past but can't seem to stop toying with my heart. Takes my hands into his and says how much he misses me--staring into his eyes, that brown, brown sea, I'm lost and this is unhealthy. I need to get out of the past and be happy with what I got. Not fair to the present and everyone involved, oh God. I know it's dangerous to ask but why not me? Why not me? Why she? 

I need to stop listening to West Side Story music. And reading my blue old journal. Both things do not make for a good mood, yet Gilmore Girls does, so let's go watch that.

I also need to make my invitations to my grad party.. :)

Poker Faces, Phones, People, Pasts

   Alright, here I am. I don't recognize this place but I definitely have a sense that I've been here before. Now, I'm standing in a hallway filled with doors. All are locked but I have the keys, and I can only open one. Hands clenching, I ponder, why only one door? Why not two, three, or four? Do I choose the one closest to me or the one furthest away? The one who's door has all the answers or the one who's path will lead me to the answers.

   Alright, here I am. I wonder if you ever think of me; you probably do. But your poker face masks your feelings-oh so well. I still think of you, sadly. But not with anger or pride, but instead with a nostalgic pull at those memories. 

           Alright, enough of that sap. The tree has more to offer like leaves, twigs, and shade. Oh, it's also beautiful. Did I fail to mention its beauty? How rude of me, the tree is very vain so I suppose I'll mention it has the key to my heart. 

    Alright, I know I'm not making sense. I make sense to me though, and I guess that's all that matters. Poor Eleanor Rigby, such lonely people. You're not outdated, or forgotten. You're just under-appreciated. I appreciate you though. Thanks for your existence!  Kudos on just plummeting through the vast sea, like an otter or penguin, delving fast and far into the unknown. You would do that. I envy you for that. I couldn't even open a damn door. 

An Atypical Rant on Society and Teenage Dating

How does society go from eloquently, well thought out phrases and stanzas to profess one's love, with pages of ink splattering, intense and frenzied writing to now just a text message saying, "Heyyy," or worse, the "waz up?" conversation starter? I believe that if a guy wants to court me, he'll have to work at it. It will be a process that takes patience and persistance. Obviously, this will sort out the ones who truly care from the ones who just like my appearance. The end of high school is fast approaching (17 days!!! but hey, who's counting? :p) and I am very excited for the future. I can't wait til I can run again. Damn ankle. Running seems to be something so incredible to me so let's pray that my ankle makes a speedy recovery. 

         As I write this, it's like I am talking to someone in my head; how incredible. The brain perplexes me as it's such a miraculous instrument. 

I noticed also today that people LOVE to feel like another, at least one other person, "gets" them. As a culture, being alone is seen with a bad connotation, making one feel deserted and misunderstood. I, on the other hand, love being difficult, different, and unique, yet have my share of doubts every once in a while, especially on nights like tonight. Send me positive love. 

Sickness...it's a virtue?

Here I am for the third day, stuck at home with the flu. Although I am a billion times better than Monday night, I still can't help but feel bored, tired, lightheaded, and sick. I miss my friends, my family, school, and even dun dun DUNN the insane amount of stuff I'm used to participating in. Oh well, thankfully yesterday was a snow day so I won't be missing quite as much work. I will, however, be back to school on Monday! Yippee! 

Due to my wobbly stomach, I haven't been able to drink hot chocolate or continue with my 26 days of Christmas celebration project but in due time I shalt return to it. For now, pictures of the winter wonderland will have to suffice as my appearance is not swell enough to be photographed-there's not enough photo shopping in the world that could fix this mess. :p

Anyway, sending all my love and prayers and I thank you all who have prayed for me during the tragic night of Monday into Tuesday as they were pretty brutal for me. Oh silly immune system; let's not go through this again. Alrighty, needing more sleep again along with finishing Frankenstein for school. :) 

Ps, remember kiddies to stay healthy, this one isn't a pretty thing!! And it's also not easy being green...

Alone, solitary, unaccompanied, lonesome, single, solus

  By that title, you're probably thinking this is just another teenage sob story about how alone and bored one feels...However, knowing me, what I say that's not what I mean, that it is not my point at all. The unexpected, unpredictable mind of mine has just used the thesaurus to drag you in, grab your attention with hopes that someone will read this. 

Now that you are reading this, whoever the hell you are, I must confess something: I am lonely (sometimes.) What do I do to solve this conundrum? Well, I sure don't wallow in sadness anymore, I call or text someone. Or better yet, I go to someone's house. But today, when I was feeling lonely, down, and out of it, Miss Stephanie Grayson calls me and makes my entire day ten thousand gazillion times better. :) Anywho, so yes, one can get out of the lonely pickle jar just by communication. 

On another note, I've been recording some covers of songs. I'd post them if I felt they were post-ready so hopefully one day they will be. Countdown for my CAM loves: 2 days! I hope they're packing. Cause packing es necesario. 

This has been my bum day, hence the lonely feelings. I've basically watched so much TV and acted like a "normal" teenager that I've gotten bored of normalness and will return to my unpredictable insanity lifestyle.  

Moral of this post: Get out, let go, be free and grounded. Know that you are never alone and I'm only a phone call away (if you want to make my day better too :p)