A reminder of why I'm a musician:

Today, I played The Way I Am on ukulele in Music Therapy Experiences class despite being sick. The assignment was to bring a song of significant value to you and of course I had to choose an Ingrid Michaelson song, to choose anything else would not have done justice to my musical tastes. Anyway, we each had to play our chosen song as a solo, and then as a group we would play it again, this time with the rest of the class on different instruments backing us (the soloist) up.

Side note: I never usually get nervous when performing. Sometimes, I try my best to be humble and give others a shot at the spotlight ,hence my hesitancy to perform alone at times. I’d never want to make anyone uncomfortable because of my talent.

But today, something was different: I was nervous. Maybe it was because I am sick or maybe it’s on account of I hadn’t practiced this song before class but, something made me nervous to play this. Then I realized, it’s because the words…I used to take the song as a promise to a lover or as a promise to a friend but what I was really using it for, today at least, was a promise to myself. I will take myself “the way I am.” And that’s simply all I can do. I’m done trying to explain myself in terms of my sexuality because I’m so much more than that. I don’t have to figure that out right now because I’ll continuously grow and learn about myself along the way. I’m a person with so many feelings other than lust and shallow needs/wants. I have hopes and dreams and plans.

When it came time to have everyone back me up, let’s just say that it was magical. I don’t think I’ve ever heard such a beautiful version of this song when the people were harmonizing with me as they listened. Someone played piano, someone sang harmony, someone played a clarinet, others percussion…My classmates may not know me well but they truly listened to what I was doing and made it into something even more beautiful. Which as silly and poetic as it sounds, demonstrated to me how I must not only rely on myself but let other people love me “The way I am” to make me shine and become more lovely with the help of those around me. Or I could totally be overanalyzing this. Either way:

“Music is what feelings sound like.”

Now, I'm getting ready to do the opening number for a dear friend's senior voice recital. Not only do I feel honored that she asked me to perform a silly ukulele song at such an important beginning of her classical career, but I feel blessed to have her--this incredibly talented, beautiful, kind, and gentle young woman--as a friend, mentor, and someone I know will be in my life for a long time.
"I've never known a musician who regretted being one. Whatever deceptions life may have in store for you, music itself is not going to let you down." ~Virgil Thomson

Thinking of you (with total sincerity)

You eat at me like the mumbled words you say in passing. Is that fear I smell or have I just completely gone insane?

Your smile cuts my heart in half; one fourth laid on the table to be consumed by passing worms and flies, another taken with you like the wind—gone.

Gone, you’re gone. I remain. Not the “I” that you know so well, but the “I” that took those pieces back and stitched them like a patch on a backpack and made something that’s seams are so flawless yet especially defined.

Enjoy thinking of me. I certainly don’t when I think of you.

Imperfect

This is not a cry for help, this is my truth.
This is not a ploy for attention, this is my life.
Did I ask for this? This pain? This is pain.
Not one bit.
But with the prize and aesthetics comes the reality that one must face.
So, I got help.
But here I remain, living my life through the eyes of the past while glancing forward at the past, the present, the future.
The me I once was, the me I am, the me I will be, all in one.
My wants, needs, desires, hopes, and dreams all melting into one another.
I remain, imperfection.
I tasted, perfection.
My mouth dry hoping for that taste to come again, knowing that it cannot happen.
I'm not strong enough, or rather, I'm stronger than I imagined.
Stuck in the spiraling staircase I plunge forward, each step lighter than the next. Or heavier.
Who knows?
Who is to be the deciding factor?
Me and all my imperfection.

My Room- A Poem I wrote Freshman Year.

My room, 

My desert place where no one can reach me

The place to dream and live freely

To show my true colors and not be afraid.

In my room, 

There is a window of opportunity

The chance to soar high above others-

And Not be overshadowed by others' achievements. 

My room, 

The space where I can be hidden-

In a transcendent lime green, 

From all the sorrow and cloudy days, 

From all my fears and from reality.

My room, 

The spot where I am most happy, 

The place that gives me courage-

To someday leave my room. 

The Serpent with My Heart (Poem by me)

Eternal truth, 

Words slither through your cracked lips,

I stare headfirst 

Into the golden crop circles that 

Seize me,

 Possess me,

Swallow me,

and 

Dissolve me. 

Your shredded skin of yesterday set scattered on the split sod

Mislaying a stale stench as your stomach surges with your slaughter of yester(day). 

Shattering,

Distancing myself from your grasp on my scruff,

I glance down to see no more feet but only your tail, rattling and taunting as you

Release me, dropping me to the soil.

Is this what you've made of me?

Ash is to ash is to ash is to ash is to ash

ash, ash, ash-ssh, 

you sneer. 

Stop Planning and LIVE and LET live

      Whoever says the perfect way to start and end ones day with reflecting is bad would be wrong. Most definitely. Here I sit, thinking back on all of the day's events and am especially happy with my accomplishments of the day: attending the St. Jude Rally where we wrote 2000!!! letters to family and friends to help donate money to research, taking and nailing two tests, blogging (right now), and overall enjoying the company of those around me. 

     Living for the moment, taking action, and diminishing the plans of every minute can help to truly experience each and every breath of every day. The beauty of true life may be lost throughout the shuffle of the day's craziness and business but one truly can feel the glory of each day if one takes a deep breath and just relaxes. Even for a second. Insert deep breath. :) Today I thought a lot about observing people and how different everyone truly is. It's sounds cliche that everyone is different and unique but just stare at someone long enough and their reactions always differ from another person. Some, I have noticed have squirmed, winked, smiled, and even called me "weird." Ha. I think it is their fear of not knowing what someone thinks about you that truly scares people. I've also realized today, to fully understand me, you have to know where I come from and what I've experienced...then everything else makes sense. 

     Alright, I have a lot of homework aka a whale of a Moby Dick essay to start/finish for Friday so I shall end this post with a quotation from Slaughterhouse 5, "Why you? Why us for that matter? Why anything? Because this moment simply is..There is no 'why.' So it goes."