Thinking of you (with total sincerity)

You eat at me like the mumbled words you say in passing. Is that fear I smell or have I just completely gone insane?

Your smile cuts my heart in half; one fourth laid on the table to be consumed by passing worms and flies, another taken with you like the wind—gone.

Gone, you’re gone. I remain. Not the “I” that you know so well, but the “I” that took those pieces back and stitched them like a patch on a backpack and made something that’s seams are so flawless yet especially defined.

Enjoy thinking of me. I certainly don’t when I think of you.

Spring Break Salt Grains

I feel like I needed this week in my hometown, to remove myself from situations, put myself into others, and truly assess my life. I've done a lot of thinking and know what I need to do now to keep myself sane and happy. Happiness is key. I know how to get out of this rut I've been in and remember the ways that jump-start me and remind me of myself, my goals, and the kinds of energy I want to surround myself with.

I've also taken this time to realize that I no longer see gender in normal terms. I can't imagine myself with someone of either sex. I just imagine myself with this caring, loving person, capable of so many things and for striving for personal achievement. And this, this is beautiful to me.

Things I must renew: my self worth, my body.

Tomorrow, I return to home for the second half of this hellish semester. Wish me luck.

Giant

The things we think set us apart only bring us together.
Eating disorders, bad break ups, homosexuality, lack of motivation, ignorance, unrequited love, apathy, self pity.
Misery adores company. It's even in it's slogan.
But once we go beyond that magnetism, we find that the core uniqueness of ourselves lies in something that no one can ever define. Something unpredictable. Unplanned, if you will.
What sustains us, what motivates us, what angers us, what pleases us, all are just little fragments of the giant that we each title
Myself.

Circles.

In circles,
your fingers swirl.
Round and round
on open skin.

Each touch electrifying me,
but resist I must.
My own sanity comes first here
and
you would drive me nuts.

Each impulse drives me towards you,
but realistically, of course, I pull back.
Guilt.
Need.
Inconsistency.
Want.
Ding-ding-ding, the high school day is over in 12 minutes.
You remove your hand.

It's so easy to say that
It's complicated.
Say something.

More February Poetry

Napkins spinning round,
blue chipped nailpolish,
soft fingers,
beautiful fragrance,
you find the ways to make people fall for you.
But fall the cards go only
in your mind.
~
Give me a hand,
I need some connection.
Contact and change,
love,
lust.
You sing through your wit, but only I know you are
serious.
No one else can read you,
I took the key and locked it.
And then swallowed the key whole.
Rip off my skin,
into my stomach,
through my intestines,
and steal it back.

To-Do List.

Begging at feet, you slip
into the grooves.
Attention,
something that no one can ever give you enough of,
you need to
survive.
You breathe out music notes,
and sigh with timely precision.
Bursts of insecurity
flush
through your cheeks as your comfort level decreases.
Thinking of the other night,
you smile,
knowing that you almost added another notch on your planner.
"Things I've done,"
"Things I need to do,"
Things to do...

I wanted to pretend but you weren't fooling anyone but me.

Numb toes and frozen cheeks, we trek
Past cars and street lights
on the road with
No side walks.
Where's the solid ground?
It's all icy,
slipping
wet,
no traction
for my racing
feet.

But, we made it through.

Long ago, you would snarl at me with your pearly white teeth,
the cast is set,
you, the wolf,
me, the wide-eyed girl,
as I mistake your snarl for a toothy smile.
You can smell the fear
leaping off my skin
from my sin.
You devour me whole yet
leave little life left lying
within me.
Just enough
so I still feel the agony of your touch.

But, we made it through.

Stating facts,
you masquerade
past my ever ripening eye.
I can see past your lies now.
So,
I left.
Enjoy the burn
and the ashes.