On my mind...

I want to know if you remember what you said to me in my dream as you took my heart and split it in two? You don't? Damn, it would have made a really great lyric and would've made us both infinitely connected in my mind. I guess that just wasn't meant to be.

Good thing dreams aren't reality, in this case, at least. All I want to do is crawl back in the sheets, avoid the world for a little while cause you crushed me with your words. The worst part was that I let you, in my subconscious of course.

I want to feel your skin on mine. Yours so soft and mine so gentle. Why were my two dreams last night so real? They've left me haunted.

Why do I always want the people that I can't have? More importantly, why are you such a good person? Torture. Pure torture.

Travel Back

So it goes.
It's my last night in my room at home before I embark in round two of the crazy adventure that is college and I am more than excited to return. Of course, I am reflecting on my life's past moments and future career while listening to some light, melodic lines made possible by Ingrid Michaelson.

I was just thinking how I never really want to be "just a singer." Like, if I was ever given the chance to be in a recording studio and record my own work, I'd want to be part of the WHOLE process rather than just the singing/performing. I'd want to play ukulele, help mix it, and help insure that the product is something that is true to the intention of the music. I'm more than just a pretty face that can be publicized and sold and I need to remember that. If I'm ever in a band, I wouldn't want to just be the lead singer, I'd wanna play an instrument, count off AND sing.

You may say that this sounds greedy, but what I believe it's all in my yearning to learn and grow and flourish and become the best in everything I can be. And that strong want, that is what I believe is greedy in my dream. But tell me, who's dream isn't greedy?

I guess what I'm trying to say is the one thing I need to keep in mind is that I can never box myself into one aspect whether it be singing, psychology, ukulele, writing, acting. If I only do one thing, well, that is not how I dreamed my dream. My dreams are more complex than any sentences can hold. And isn't that the beauty of it? The magical part of that is how my dream is not tangible whatsoever at this point in my life, but as I keep striving, I know I'll be able to feel it's warmth and bask in my personal glory. One day.

And then, maybe, I'll travel back to this moment now, in my mind, and smile a contented smile.

Peace and positivity,
ct

Day 2-Blog name meaning

My blog name means what it says. "To change the world one step at a time." Well, that's my motto for life. Make each action I take as something that will impact the world in a positive manner. I wish that everyone would try to make the world a better place, so that every one can be happy and that we can rid the world of hate once and for all. Seriously. Maybe suicides, murder, and other heinous crimes wouldn't have a chance to exist or happen.

My alias online, musicallyfit848, is a representation of two of my favorite things. Music and being fit and leading a healthy lifestyle. It's been difficult to lead a healthy lifestyle in college since I have no time for anything but music, but I plan on getting fit again by small steps towards success. 848- is just my favorite number. For no particular reason really, I just like 848 cause I love 8's and 4's. :)

On another note: I think for awhile I was losing my self-worth in college. Being surrounded by so many other talented and amazing people 24/7, I find myself silently screaming in their shadow. This might all just be in my head but, just how I feel. This is also why I've been blogging again. Writing affirms my beliefs and solidifies my thoughts, hopes, and dreams on myself, on humanity, on society, on EVERY thing.

A Day's Meaning

     What is a day but a moment in time. A specific moment in time that in less than 23 hours will be gone and now is remembered as just a memory. For us, days can seem like they will never end, but they do, just as the sun sets and rises each day. For that fact I am certain. The universe, however, sees each day as a split second. It'll keep going on, while for us it might always be vivid in our memory. I'm sure we've all had one of those magnificent days that we relive in our minds over and over for fear of forgetting or worse, never having such a day again. 

     I can't remember which day of the week, what time of the day, or what exact year it was, but I have had one of those days-the kind I will always cherish. What's most important, to me anyway, is the people I was with that day and the feelings I experienced. I will always remember those details as I am right brain dominant. Everyone is different though and I do not claim to be like anyone else. Actually, I am quite unique. Weird, even. But that is fine by me. For as cliche as this is, I'd rather die an original then a copy. 

    Reading The Glass Menagerie and The Tent, both books proving how thoughtful writers are. Maybe I have that capability to present my philosophies and values in a fictional piece of work...I sure am trying to. I really need to FINISH at least one novel or short story. I can always start things but the follow up is more difficult. Oh well. 

    Also, I love 80's teen movies. :) 

   Enjoy the sun!

War is peace; so it goes, hamlet, and other violent ends

Nothing is either good nor bad until we make it so. So it goes. 

Depressing thought right? Think about it. All I seem to do recently is think. Today, for instance, I was reflecting on the fact that opening night of Titanic is in 3 days and how fast my senior year of Proscenium has gone. This has spiraled into a slew of other connected thoughts, making me more confused than ever before, and causing the bittersweetness of this last show to be something more obscene and even a bit saddening. I don't want to be sad that it ends, I wish to be happy that it happened. And I am. As last night was the first run through with the orchestra, I'm pleased that it sounds good as of yet. I'm excited to see/be a part of the results of over a year's hard work for many of the people involved with Proscenium. 

For now, I shall leave you all with a Hamlet quotation: 

"What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and movement..."

Maybe.

"But I will, I will, I will. I don't want to sit on the pavement while you fly." 

Listening to Ingrid Michaelson this EASTER morning, preparing to get ready...hey, it is a process. This morning, I was woken up by my beautiful niece showing me her new pez dispenser :) She's adorable. What a blessed morning and day. Thank God for all the blessings in my life: my family, my talents, my friends, my faith, my peace of mind, my creativity, and even my enemies. 

Happy Easter, All!

Seven Seas of Rhye

April Fool's. I haven't partaken in any jokes today, but alas, the day is far from over. Ever woken up one morning and felt the need to do something completely different from your normal routine? Well, for me, this morning was one of those mornings. A day of ALL days. Okay, enough with the cliches. One is one too many. (Now two.) Damn. 

"Heal over," sings KT Tunstall, "You're gunna be fine," as I get dressed and prepped for this day of MORE scholarship applications and cleaning. ZOUNDS. (Yes, I am bringing zounds back, just like sexy.) Now that I know where I'm going to college, how I might be able to pay for it, and what I want to study, my mind feels completely at ease. No more stress of worrying about acceptances as I only have 2 schools left to hear from, but even if I don't get in, that is alright since I am going to my dream school in my favorite place-Philly. So, perhaps next time I visit there I should try a Philly Cheese Steak :p even though I refuse to eat red meat on a normal basis, sometimes it's okay to splurge and try something new :p

Recently, there has been this craze of formspring and yes I do have one. It intrigues me. People ask completely random and sometimes inappropriate questions that they would never ask in real life because it is anonymous. Interesting. Man up and ask a person in real life. Honesty is something I really admire in a person so the ability to ask something that you really are wondering while letting your true identity be known is very commendable in my book. This, however, does not mean I want you to stop asking me questions, people. Cause I like answering them. Just please, include your name so I know who is asking me something, whether inappropriate or rude or funny. Alright, maybe I'll blog something later with more substance, maybe not. I'm a mystery, see? Even to myself.  

Quotes of the day: "It's not what you are, it's what you don't become that hurts." ~Oscar Levant

  "Truth is more of a stranger than fiction." ~Mark Twain

Tick tock tick tock...the scourge of waiting.

     I've never been one to just sit around, waiting for things to happen to me, so with this long, grueling process of college acceptances or denials (haven't received any yet THANK GOODNESS), and the only thing that can be done is wait, I believe I am going insane...Or something close to it. Reading Sylvia Plath's poems and letters home to her family isn't really boosting my moral, but it is SOMETHING that can be done. Another thing I have busied myself with is the next journey ahead of scholarships. Asking for money, or anything for that matter, is not something I am at all good at, so this task--making myself seem worthy/needy enough for the scholarships--has been not only daunting but disturbing my usual patterns of giving more than I receive.  That's why I believe merit scholarships are a beautiful thing. I didn't even need to apply for them but there they come! :D

     I must make a mental note to create a scholarship for teenagers headed for college when I can provide the means to do so when I'm an adult. I feel that people who create scholarships are very generous, compassionate people. 

I've been writing A LOT recently, maybe not on here, but in my journal filled with new quotes and thoughts from my day to day experiences. Writing is a skill that can only be improved as one gets older. Also, poetry is an aquired taste. I used to love poetry, then became immersed with novels and stories, but am now slowly levitating and delving back into the land of poetry. Poets are the most unusual, intelligent beings--only they know how to craft words so eloquently together. 

I'm excited to see what happens next in my life. 

The end is near? No, this is just the beginning!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkAhFk-aygY&feature=grec

Her story is absolutely incredible. She's changed the world one step at a time so I've decided to post her story on here. We all have a purpose and different experiences that make us all so beautiful and unique. 

Please support and pray for To Write Love On Her Arms. 

Also, this week is National Eating Disorders Awareness week, please remember to think of and pray for all those who struggle or have struggled with eating disorders. Hope is here. Trust me. A year ago I'd be rolling my eyes at someone who would write this, but I've experienced the pain first hand and now I experience life and all it's glory! Beauty is not in the superficial appearances but in the compassion and true actions that each human being is capable of achieving. It is a lifestyle filled with love, and faith, helping me and others to realize how each day has a succinct, important purpose. You can change the world, or even the world around you through your words and actions. 

I live each day devoted to God, and try to reflect his image in my words and actions to bring hope to someone else who needs it. I'll be clear, I am NO saint, but I do attempt which God understands. We all have difficulties and imperfections, they are what make us human.

Feeling hope by one person and inspiring hope in others-- that is a cycle of love and happiness and trust. Not a cycle of pain. Surviving pain is what leads us to happiness. We have to get through those difficult moments in life to truly comprehend and feel the beauty of life in these new moments. Each day is a blessing one filled with ups and downs but you are not being judged for this. You are beautiful and can make a difference. Believe this and love this and trust this. You CAN make a difference. 

You may think you have to strive for perfection, but you do NOT. Perfection isn't real, what is real is the lifestyle you lead and the effect you leave on others. You do not have to be perfect, you should be real, A true, genuine person. It takes hard work, but it is possible and is totally worth it.

Everyone wants a happy ending like in fairy tales, but there are no happy endings...only happy BEGINNINGS. 

Surround yourself with love and positivity. 

Peace to all,

Carolyn

Christmas Hopes

Merry Christmas! 

I've recently read so many inspiring things that I thought I would share them ALL with you and my own story as I have neglected to share that with you. 

Before that, Let me wish you all a beautiful and relaxing day...and I have been accepted to College of St. Rose and PACE University in NYC, so far. Yippee! :) Dreams do come true. 

Now here is my story, I hope to inspire as I have been inspired on this glorious day!

     In the ninth grade and tenth, I battled a major conflict between myself, an eating disorder, and societies’ expectations on the typical ideal of beauty. All my childhood years I had been seen as the chubby one; the girl who wasn’t extraordinarily good-looking but always kind and outgoing. It led to taunting by others and even having no friends for a while. When I got to the ninth grade, I made the decision to lose weight--by any means possible. At first my weight loss process had been calm, as it fell in step with my daily life activities. Slowly, the calorie counting, the need for controlling the healthy meals I would eat, and the hour-and-a-half-daily exercise began to take over my entire life.

     It’s one of those things that you read about in magazines, that you never believe would ever take over your life, heart, soul, mind, and identity. I measured everything I ate, and thought that I was eating enough, I truly believed that. Even when the doctors and everyone around me, screamed at me that I had Anorexia Nervosa, I believed that I was just living a healthy lifestyle. It’s just something I got caught into, until it became the complete focus of my brain, the desperation of every breath I took, the very thing that was slowly killing me, yet I would Not, Could Not live without. Eventually, deep down inside I knew I was an exercise anorexic and lied to everyone about my eating patterns. My diet mantra continued for a while until I became very sick and was told that I would die if I continued to lose anymore weight.  I grew farther and farther away from everyone, including my own self. I went from 160 pounds, at a height of 5 foot 10, to 110 pounds...in less than a year. Yet I believed that I was “perfect,” although never fully satisfied with my weight. I agreed to start gaining weight when they told me that I had no estrogen in my body, meaning that I almost stopped the chances of ever having a child. My menstrual cycle completely stopped. I was not, in my mind, a normal girl anymore. It was very difficult for me to gain weight, with my fast-burning metabolism and the feeling that I constantly had to shove food in my mouth and I became deeply saddened at the thought of losing my “perfect” image that society had thrust upon me. Being tall and skinny and beautiful became my identity. I relied on my looks, read less than ever before and even chose exercising at the gym over doing my homework. 

      The transition from that moment to who I am now--confident, strong, smart, independent, beautiful (inside and outside), and healthy--took more courage and effort than anything else I have accomplished in my life, as I battled the hardest of my life, my own mind. Surviving not only helped me to appreciate life, as I was so close to death, but granted me an opportunity to truly understand the power of one’s own mind, whether for good purposes or bad. 

I hope this finds you all well...Here are some other websites that have inspired me to inspire you. 

www.givesmehope.com

http://www.healthytippingpoint.com/

http://operationbeautiful.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKPaxD61lwo&feature=player_embedded

Merry Christmas to all and to ALL a good night :)

Love, 

Carolyn