Giant

The things we think set us apart only bring us together.
Eating disorders, bad break ups, homosexuality, lack of motivation, ignorance, unrequited love, apathy, self pity.
Misery adores company. It's even in it's slogan.
But once we go beyond that magnetism, we find that the core uniqueness of ourselves lies in something that no one can ever define. Something unpredictable. Unplanned, if you will.
What sustains us, what motivates us, what angers us, what pleases us, all are just little fragments of the giant that we each title
Myself.

Circles.

In circles,
your fingers swirl.
Round and round
on open skin.

Each touch electrifying me,
but resist I must.
My own sanity comes first here
and
you would drive me nuts.

Each impulse drives me towards you,
but realistically, of course, I pull back.
Guilt.
Need.
Inconsistency.
Want.
Ding-ding-ding, the high school day is over in 12 minutes.
You remove your hand.

It's so easy to say that
It's complicated.
Say something.

More February Poetry

Napkins spinning round,
blue chipped nailpolish,
soft fingers,
beautiful fragrance,
you find the ways to make people fall for you.
But fall the cards go only
in your mind.
~
Give me a hand,
I need some connection.
Contact and change,
love,
lust.
You sing through your wit, but only I know you are
serious.
No one else can read you,
I took the key and locked it.
And then swallowed the key whole.
Rip off my skin,
into my stomach,
through my intestines,
and steal it back.

To-Do List.

Begging at feet, you slip
into the grooves.
Attention,
something that no one can ever give you enough of,
you need to
survive.
You breathe out music notes,
and sigh with timely precision.
Bursts of insecurity
flush
through your cheeks as your comfort level decreases.
Thinking of the other night,
you smile,
knowing that you almost added another notch on your planner.
"Things I've done,"
"Things I need to do,"
Things to do...

I wanted to pretend but you weren't fooling anyone but me.

Numb toes and frozen cheeks, we trek
Past cars and street lights
on the road with
No side walks.
Where's the solid ground?
It's all icy,
slipping
wet,
no traction
for my racing
feet.

But, we made it through.

Long ago, you would snarl at me with your pearly white teeth,
the cast is set,
you, the wolf,
me, the wide-eyed girl,
as I mistake your snarl for a toothy smile.
You can smell the fear
leaping off my skin
from my sin.
You devour me whole yet
leave little life left lying
within me.
Just enough
so I still feel the agony of your touch.

But, we made it through.

Stating facts,
you masquerade
past my ever ripening eye.
I can see past your lies now.
So,
I left.
Enjoy the burn
and the ashes.

The Future. Tomorrow, maybe?

I wish to be invaded. I wish to be entwined with someone who knows me. All of me. The things that many others don't know about me, I wish for someone to know. I want someone to capture the wild parts and tame parts of myself alike. I want to be plumaged and left a mess. Then, I'd be sure I'm actually feeling and then I can put myself together again. I like that process.

I'm looking for companionship. No questions asked because they should already know the answers. No daunting small talk, let's skip that please. I'm looking for a friend who will be a lover, someone to be there to hold my hand and cuddle anytime we're both free too. Someone who will help ignite my passion and continue to fuel it so that my creativity never diminishes. Inspiration not suffocation. I'd like that an awful lot.

For myself, I'd love to not be so hard on myself. (Awkward wording?) I'd also love to be free to be me in every philosophical and literal meaning of that. I'd love to not be so lonely when in a crowded room. I'd just adore completeness with myself.
"I'm looking for something to fill the holes"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_t68m5k9J_U
"I will fill my own holes..."

Alright, now onto "Girl, Interrupted," homework, and sleep.

The Present. The Now.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being the cute and funny one, the best friend, the person who people look at from afar and admire. I want someone to break through the plastic bubble surrounding me and really GET me. Take hold of my heart, rather than the opposite way around. I'm tired of failing tries on my end. Especially now in this new place where I'm struggling to take hold of my own self.
...

I get butterflies in my tummy when I think of you, when I see you, when I sit next to you, when I speak to you.
The future Carolyn Thorn, I love you.