Under My Thumb

Good morning, GOOD morning, Or afternoon; Whichever you prefer. Today is Tuesday, and there are only 2 days left of this year, and what a year it was. I'm positively enthused and excited to see what 2010 brings. It'll definitely be better than this past year. 

   So, I was looking through my notes of 2009 and thought I would finish a segment I started writing :)

A Retouched World

Look inside a magazine, at a TV commercial, a billboard and what do you see? What kind of image is the media throwing at you? A picture of a smiling, exceedingly skinny yet extremely curvy woman with long legs, definitive muscles and an unnatural glow of a tan, staring back at you, coercing you to buy the product she’s flaunting. Maybe she is even accompanied by an equally gorgeous man, with broad, ripped shoulders and a six pack that makes every woman (and guy for that matter) stare with envy. Photo retouchers for magazines spend over 12 hours on a photograph, fixing each and every minor imperfection that connects the photo to its reality. No wonder 42% of 1st-3rd grade girls want to be thinner. At such a young age, has this appearance obsessed society corrupted and stolen their youth? Maybe. Just maybe. Astonishingly enough, 1 out of 4 women, this doesn't include men, have some type of distorted eating patterns. Now, this must not be good for our culture that is trying to focus on our health rather than our weight. 

  Recently, many famous celebrities have "come out" with tales of their own experiences with ED,(Their eating disorders). Whether this is good or bad, what can we do to prevent the terror of every parent, having their child develop some sort of mental illness, is to focus on our positive qualities rather than the negative, living each day as a walking and talking positive example of health. 

~Carolyn Thorn

Fixing a hole

Hello all, 

Now we all suffer from the after holidays fullness and depressed mindset; Aka, I've eaten so much these past days I could explode and there are no more presents to be opened :( Sad face. Well, I am surprisingly happy whilst the rest of you, my readers, are sad. Would you like to know my secret? Well, I'd share that if I knew! When I find out, if I find out I'll let you all know. 

Enjoy this time of rest and relaxation and family and friends, and indulge. You have a whole 'nother year to make up for those calories. :) At least that's what I'm telling myself. 

In the meantime I'm keeping busy with This is Not a Book. Look it up. It's an incredible journey.

Christmas Hopes

Merry Christmas! 

I've recently read so many inspiring things that I thought I would share them ALL with you and my own story as I have neglected to share that with you. 

Before that, Let me wish you all a beautiful and relaxing day...and I have been accepted to College of St. Rose and PACE University in NYC, so far. Yippee! :) Dreams do come true. 

Now here is my story, I hope to inspire as I have been inspired on this glorious day!

     In the ninth grade and tenth, I battled a major conflict between myself, an eating disorder, and societies’ expectations on the typical ideal of beauty. All my childhood years I had been seen as the chubby one; the girl who wasn’t extraordinarily good-looking but always kind and outgoing. It led to taunting by others and even having no friends for a while. When I got to the ninth grade, I made the decision to lose weight--by any means possible. At first my weight loss process had been calm, as it fell in step with my daily life activities. Slowly, the calorie counting, the need for controlling the healthy meals I would eat, and the hour-and-a-half-daily exercise began to take over my entire life.

     It’s one of those things that you read about in magazines, that you never believe would ever take over your life, heart, soul, mind, and identity. I measured everything I ate, and thought that I was eating enough, I truly believed that. Even when the doctors and everyone around me, screamed at me that I had Anorexia Nervosa, I believed that I was just living a healthy lifestyle. It’s just something I got caught into, until it became the complete focus of my brain, the desperation of every breath I took, the very thing that was slowly killing me, yet I would Not, Could Not live without. Eventually, deep down inside I knew I was an exercise anorexic and lied to everyone about my eating patterns. My diet mantra continued for a while until I became very sick and was told that I would die if I continued to lose anymore weight.  I grew farther and farther away from everyone, including my own self. I went from 160 pounds, at a height of 5 foot 10, to 110 pounds...in less than a year. Yet I believed that I was “perfect,” although never fully satisfied with my weight. I agreed to start gaining weight when they told me that I had no estrogen in my body, meaning that I almost stopped the chances of ever having a child. My menstrual cycle completely stopped. I was not, in my mind, a normal girl anymore. It was very difficult for me to gain weight, with my fast-burning metabolism and the feeling that I constantly had to shove food in my mouth and I became deeply saddened at the thought of losing my “perfect” image that society had thrust upon me. Being tall and skinny and beautiful became my identity. I relied on my looks, read less than ever before and even chose exercising at the gym over doing my homework. 

      The transition from that moment to who I am now--confident, strong, smart, independent, beautiful (inside and outside), and healthy--took more courage and effort than anything else I have accomplished in my life, as I battled the hardest of my life, my own mind. Surviving not only helped me to appreciate life, as I was so close to death, but granted me an opportunity to truly understand the power of one’s own mind, whether for good purposes or bad. 

I hope this finds you all well...Here are some other websites that have inspired me to inspire you. 

www.givesmehope.com

http://www.healthytippingpoint.com/

http://operationbeautiful.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKPaxD61lwo&feature=player_embedded

Merry Christmas to all and to ALL a good night :)

Love, 

Carolyn

Sickness...it's a virtue?

Here I am for the third day, stuck at home with the flu. Although I am a billion times better than Monday night, I still can't help but feel bored, tired, lightheaded, and sick. I miss my friends, my family, school, and even dun dun DUNN the insane amount of stuff I'm used to participating in. Oh well, thankfully yesterday was a snow day so I won't be missing quite as much work. I will, however, be back to school on Monday! Yippee! 

Due to my wobbly stomach, I haven't been able to drink hot chocolate or continue with my 26 days of Christmas celebration project but in due time I shalt return to it. For now, pictures of the winter wonderland will have to suffice as my appearance is not swell enough to be photographed-there's not enough photo shopping in the world that could fix this mess. :p

Anyway, sending all my love and prayers and I thank you all who have prayed for me during the tragic night of Monday into Tuesday as they were pretty brutal for me. Oh silly immune system; let's not go through this again. Alrighty, needing more sleep again along with finishing Frankenstein for school. :) 

Ps, remember kiddies to stay healthy, this one isn't a pretty thing!! And it's also not easy being green...

Most Musical Superlative

As of recently, I've become genuinely happy. Filled with the sort of infectious happiness that I used to envy- ALL the time. :)

I don't dwell on my mistakes yet move on and grow from them. Although I may still constantly wonder if I will find my soulmate sometime on this earth, I still am enjoying life as it comes. 

Now for the most exciting news..

I'm most musical for senior superlatives with Makenzie and Harrison :D

Yay for the little world in my head. 

We are Family...

Today I ran 4 miles in 40 minutes, a major accomplishment for me as I always tend to run slower on the treadmill than when I am running on the track. Besides that, 

IT IS SNOWING! :) Finally, it seems like Christmas time. I love snow--the smell, sight, and cold feeling totally makes my heart smile. 

My family is also ALL here. Loving the time I get to spend with them and the fact that Tricia and Jack travelled all the way here to see my play makes me feel so special. 

Update:

Still working on my college stuff- two supplements left. They're nasty. :p 

Other than that, I love not being ridiculously busy, it gives me more time for myself and others and less time to feel upset/anxious. It was a tough week for me in that respect, but I survived thankfully. Imagine if I didn't survive...then I would not have this sensational overwhelming loving feeling I am experiencing. Amen sista girl. Now I shall go spend more time with family. :)

<3

Go Go Go Go GO.....now, relax.

Ever have a really stressful and busy week that seems like one long continuous run on sentence? Well, this week has been it for me. 

But I am proud to say I survived, with only a few scratches on the way. 

And now, I am relaxing *insert a deep breath* until tonight. :p

Watching Gilmore Girls makes me happy inside! 

Running, running, running! See my brain can't keep one sane thought for a long time at once. 

That's alright. Be back when I fall over from exhaustion.

Wow.

First off, HAPPY FIRST DAY OF THE 25 Days of Christmas! 

I'm not sure if anyone reads my blog, but a friend told me she was so HELLO Soulmate. :) 

I have started a holiday project to get my mindset into the "season," in which I will take a photo a day of hot chocolate (drinking it as well, of course) until the actual holiday. If you want to follow my project, friend me on facebook and look at my album entitled, "26 Days of Christmas" and yes that is not a typo of the number since I started yesterday. On Christmas I will create a surprise for the big day. Sounds juvenile? Well, yes, but I believe that's where all the fun comes from. 

PS. I'm just going to point out that my blogging intention is a way to express myself. So, that's my disclosure if you will. :p

On towards today's agenda/topic: College Essay Numero Dos 

Dun, dun, DUNNN! 

It's scary, I know. There isn't any real reason for this to be any more challenging for me, but I believe I have a mental brick wall that is limiting my creativity in that essay. And boy do I need creativity. Another prospective reason as to why I'm so afeard of the ___Essay Question is because ___ is my first choice school. I just fell in love with it the moment I heard of it, knowing that's where I want to be. Plus, visiting was an amazing experience. So, how do I express this feeling or desperation without stating it?! (I'm not naming it because if I don't get in or end up there I might seem a little silly, so we'll leave this open ended.)

Any thoughts on what I could write about for personal achievements after college?

All for now. :)

Randy Pausch Last Lecture: Achieving Your Childhood Dreams

I just read his book. His message to us all is very inspiring.

All You Need is Love/ All I want for Christmas

An AP Music Theory project led me to this song, again. As it is a favorite of mine, but now I can't possibly get it out of my head. 

I haven't substantially blogged in a pretty decent amount of time so I suppose it's time to get this ball rolling again. Hope you all had a fantastic Thanksgiving. And now for a checklist update on my minor accomplishments so far:

College Applications Complete: Check

Cleaned room: Check

College Essay: Check

Supplements: Two and a half left! :)

English 3 week Essay: not so check. 

Gym Training: CHECK! 

Reading oodles of books everyday: CHECKKKKK. 

Lots of accomplishments: Priceless. 

No matter how minor they may seem, they sure mean a lot to me as all were stresses on my daily life. Proscenium seems to be the major stressor now, but that's not something I can change slightly without it becoming a major issue. I'm at a place in my life where I am OK. Finally. 

Body image, update: I'm slender and slim, not skinny, and I am OKAY with that. I need to stop trying to be something I'm not, and this goes for everyone I believe. Be comfortable in your own skin, stand tall (haha), strong, and confident. 

Now for another update or new news I should say. 

All I want for Christmas is Cash or checks made out to Carolyn Thorn. I am donating all my Christmas money to Invisible Children. If you Must get me a present then please go to the Invisible Children's website and but something like a bracelet for me. The profit still goes to the cause I'm supporting this holiday season. I have received so many beautiful presents over the years and now I want to give back, I do not need anything besides acceptance letters (keep fingers crossed) and tuition money and You dear friends and family cannot provide this for me as much as you would love to. And I really appreciate your efforts to. But let's be reasonable and compassionate this Holiday Season and help me donate all my money over Christmas to Invisible Children. Peace is the most important gift on Earth. Amen.  

college frustrations

With everything happening at once in my life, dance recitals, Joseph final rehearsals, HOMEWORK, college applications, maintaining my voice--I think I've lost touch of me.

I used to think of lack of food or starvation as power and weakness as healthy. Today, I'm truly trying not to. It's hard but as my mom said I'm hot now. haha. 

Anywho, I'm trying not to let things that used to bug me, get to me and really really miss my family and friends. Really. So, after all the craziness, expect me to be bugging the heck out of y'all. :)

Love and peace. 

Ps. Buy tickets? Thanks :) http://www.jproscenium.org/joseph.shtml

Garmin 2008 Holiday Commercial - One For All

Yup.

Skid Row Seniors

Watch this; it's important to help others to end poverty and homelessness.

Day before this.

was yesterday. Duh, right?! Well, I've decided I'm going to blog about each day after the day has happened, cause you never know what might magically happen that is extraordinary to me in the middle of the night. Also, cause I'm lazy and this semi tricks my procrastination-on that note, I'm almost done with summer reading. Only one more book (Jane Eyre, even though it is my favorite book and I've already read it) and two essays (one of which is my college essay, dun dun dun dunnn). I'm frightened that my college essay won't turn out as awesome as I know it can. So, we shall see what happens with that. 

Yesterday's walk was ridiculously buggy. My picture as you can see is NOT a bug as I avoided them at all possible times so getting close to take a picture was not ideal for me.  My picture ironically was to show the light and darkness that I encountered on that walk. The light--like the two butterflies I saw--made my walk enjoyable, the dark--and hornets and little annoying flies--made my walk not. Haha. Basically, I was reading after I got home and there was a quote that pointed out if we didn't know evil and bad things, then we wouldn't have the chance to choose what is good, or even to appreciate what is good. 

Now, I'm on my way to work after a long, long day of babysitting. Bon Voyage. (I wish I was going on a boat; they seem freeing. :) )

You're prolly wondering

Why I'm not posting the "creative" thing I'm doing with each picture...And that I shall keep to myself, unless I decide to show it to others. :)

Yesterday

I forgot to upload my project results yesterday!

Here it is. 

Day 1 of my new journey: Well, it sure is hot out, Way too hot to be walking/running for an hour in the heat but I will do it anyway. On my walk I noticed I was looking down a lot at the ground. So I chose to take a picture of the cracks in the road... SYMBOLIZING (wow I haven't used that since essays in school :p) how life may not be perfect and flawless but the cracks are still holding us together-making everyone unique and everyone should be respected likewise. Who are we to judge unless we have spent equally as much time in that other person's shoes or understand how the cracks came to be. I alone understand and accept my cracks (or flaws but I like this metaphorical crack thing :p) and must remember that not everyone can see the world the same way I do. Love should be a verb in my life, not an adjective. Love the day, sun, and sky. :)

Carolyn Thorn

Getting up and moving on.

For the past year it has felt like I have been slowly falling. Like when you are a little kid and can't keep your balance on your brand new, shiny roller blades and can tell you're falling but it is taking a long time to do so. The moment of impact can either bring pain, sorrow, hurt, or even relief and joy. Joy from finally being freed from the scary aspect of the unexpected--falling--and joy from now being able to move on in life and get back up on those roller blades. Well, let's say for my metaphorical sake that this is my moment of impact. I have fallen and now I am finally freed to move on... I might fall again but I have to live to experience all the other amazing aspects of life besides falling. 

Hence, my need for this project. 

I couldn't think of anything quite so awesome and perfect as the Julie/Julia project. But since I am an original, you can't dic a copy of me, I decided I would create my own project to incorporate all my passions--well, not all of them, but most. It took a lot of thinking and even led to a sleep insomnia last night. Ugh. That was annoying. I decided that I've always loved Audrey Hepburn. She never wrote a book, but her son did. I can't quite live like her, but I can walk like her. And no, not just the graceful walk she does but walk outside and for long periods of time. I already enjoy walking so this works. 

My mission:

Everyday I will go on a walk--rain, snow,sleet or shine-- and I will take a picture. One picture everyday. With this picture, I will post it online (cough cough here) and will do something creative about/from the picture. Each picture must be different and must epitomize the feelings of my walk. As I am not a carp and do feel MANY feelings :p

Alright so, today, August 11th, 2009, I will start.  Hope someone will read this besides just my mom. 

Love and peace, 

Carolyn Thorn

Creative Energy ExplosionNEW Project

Ever left a theater and felt a rush of creative energy? Like at that moment in time, you have to do something so great that everyone will remember you for? That if you don't start as soon as possible you might just explode with energy all over the place. Well, I don't imagine explosions as pleasant things so I am here writing this blog after seeing Julie & Julia and have decided my new mission-to start something and continue for one whole year doing so. I'm not sure what it'll be as I have so many passions but I will research tonight (aka google different people and topics) and let you know which has one. 

As an incoming senior, it can't be something that takes up too much time, but something that will stabilize me to be who I am and focus myself each day.  Any ideas? 

Comment please. 

I won't grow up

Watching Peter Pan with the child I babysit. Let's go to Neverland, all!

This is the only Disney movie without a full on love aspect. I mean Peter and Wendy but not really. Peter is really love with the idea of never growing up, and Wendy is in love with taking care of others. Tinkerbell is love with Peter Pan as the trusty side kick but other than that no real Cinderella-esqe love aspect. 

And I love this movie. :) 

A whole NEW way to blog

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qgNdUrZasA&feature=channel

Watch that and rate it. It's my first so bear with me. Sorry if I bore you, the others will be funnier. 

Hello, Goodbye

I love the Beatles. I love my friends. I love my family. I love coffee. I love that random person on a run. I love.....Everything? That's just the kind of crazy cool mood I'm in. I appreciate getting loved in return as well. 

HENCE why I'm writing this in pink. 

Now I'm writing in greeen. :D

And this is not very deep. 

Although I was called Dr. Thorn and I believe that has a nice ring to it. Miss you all. 

Never free from it, can't hide from it

The epitome of a blah  day would be...Today. 

I'm never going to escape this feeling am I? No matter what happiness or who comes into my life there will always be a certain emptiness inside that only I can fill. Yet, my mind won't let me; What a Pity!

Do you believe in love? Do you believe one person can ignore all your flaws and accept you for who you are? I do. 

Just love comes in so many different forms like everything now a days. Choices are a part of our reality. The "What ifs' " rolling through my mind. Or his mind? Or that person down the street? Or that girl on the corner. Everyone wonders it. What if?

What if, you ask? Who cares, I reply. 

Any Dream Will Do.

Singing Joseph songs, dancing to Prince and Little Richard, falling in love with Beetle Juice all over again, ellipticaling til my legs fall off next to an amazing guy who I like more each time I get to know him more, enjoying the rain, eating some veggie pasta, and out with same amazing guy--All in a Sunday's work for Carolyn Thorn.

Just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl.

Today. Was an intensely epic day. :)

I climbed a mountain, only tripped once and managed to have an amazing day. 

 

I see said the blind man to his deaf dog.

Phrases connect people to their personality, quirks, and flaws. For example, if I was to curse in front of a priest, that's probably not a good impression, Therefore, I would say more polite terms. But what happens when two people meet and have the same sayings, and are then dumbfounded at how alike they are to each other. I believe that words (either written on paper or said aloud) have the power to change a person, or change life as they know it. Communication is key in this fast paced world we live in. 

From one of my favorite chick flicky type movies, a character describes how communication has branched to so many levels, therefore either accepting or rejecting us seven or so times. 

Mary: I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. 
Mary: It's exhausting. 

Now, I shall go check my cell for text messages, IM a cool person back, check my facebook, update my twitter, and confirm myspace friend requests. Then fall back asleep :p

Alone, solitary, unaccompanied, lonesome, single, solus

  By that title, you're probably thinking this is just another teenage sob story about how alone and bored one feels...However, knowing me, what I say that's not what I mean, that it is not my point at all. The unexpected, unpredictable mind of mine has just used the thesaurus to drag you in, grab your attention with hopes that someone will read this. 

Now that you are reading this, whoever the hell you are, I must confess something: I am lonely (sometimes.) What do I do to solve this conundrum? Well, I sure don't wallow in sadness anymore, I call or text someone. Or better yet, I go to someone's house. But today, when I was feeling lonely, down, and out of it, Miss Stephanie Grayson calls me and makes my entire day ten thousand gazillion times better. :) Anywho, so yes, one can get out of the lonely pickle jar just by communication. 

On another note, I've been recording some covers of songs. I'd post them if I felt they were post-ready so hopefully one day they will be. Countdown for my CAM loves: 2 days! I hope they're packing. Cause packing es necesario. 

This has been my bum day, hence the lonely feelings. I've basically watched so much TV and acted like a "normal" teenager that I've gotten bored of normalness and will return to my unpredictable insanity lifestyle.  

Moral of this post: Get out, let go, be free and grounded. Know that you are never alone and I'm only a phone call away (if you want to make my day better too :p)

Walk Away

I find people pretty hilarious. Especially the people who lie right to your face. I mean, there's no need. You're not protecting me in the end so just say it to my face so that I don't have to find out from someone else. :P

Anywho, I love Ingrid Michaelson's new song "Walk Away;" hence, the name of this post. Learning how to play the guitar is fun, as fun as any frustrating thing is. Well, I miss COP. A lot. But, I don't regret anything that happened on it, I am thankful for all the experiences as I feel stronger. I'm still reading Reading Lolita in Tehran. This is probably the longest time I've taken to read a book. 

On another note, Sarah Palin resigned the other day. Can I exclaim how truly happy I am? Nope, there isn't enough words to describe the utter happy feeling that I'm feeling haha. So many feelings in one sentence.

Right now, I shall call up Megan Johnson cause I have not talked to her in a gazillion years. And I hope she reads this just so she knows how much I love her, my twin. :)

I'm picking up what You're putting down

I walked into CYFM on Sunday, not afraid or intimidated but angry. Angry at the fact that I was leaving my friend's graduation party early, angry that I was not going on CAM, angry that I had to spend a week with some people but not others.BUT I was completely and totally wrong. 

  The week started with tons of hugs and love and joy at seeing people I knew already and meeting others who I hadn't, I still wasn't into the whole retreat, even though I usually feel the love when pulling into the CYFM parking lot. I don't exactly when I started feeling better about myself, others, and God. There wasn't one particular moment, but all of it. It ALL helped me to grow; throughout the week around those who did not have much time left helped me to love and appreciate every moment that I have. Life isn't about avoiding pain but learning how to deal with it. You have to get through all the bad times to know and appreciate the wonderful times in your life. COP was probably the best growing experience of my entire life and I will most definitely be writing more on it. I have learned acceptance of myself and others, genuine love, that peace speaks louder than force, and that I am a strong and beautiful individual. 

Love and peace. Love and peace. LOVE AND PEACE AND HAPPINESS. Just aim for that and you will be successful in life. I am so grateful that I had the chance to be near God and the amazing people I was with. I feel blessed and loved. Amen. :)

You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf them and enjoy the ride. 

Today

Well, 

Hi! My Name's Carolyn and I'm just starting this blog. I guess not many people will read this but I tend to surprise myself daily. I'm currently reading Reading Lolita in Tehran. Such a good book which brought on this little rant..

Should one be forced to wear a veil to limit their looks? A person’s style, fashion, and the way they present themselves to the world is what makes a person unique. Taking away someone’s right to beauty is like covering a rose with a plastic bag, choking it and eventually leading to it’s death. 

The world is full of beauty, only we must discover the beauty in everything. 

Carolyn