Was blind but now I see....

Or I was just really lazy and am now semi productive. It's been one of those days. The days where you're so out of it and so busy that you just have to take time for yourself and friends otherwise you'll go insane. Speaking of insane... Just kidding, I'm in the sanity today.Also, considering I like FAILED at continuing my project for my blog, I shall complete 4 days' topics in one entry. On your mark, get set, read:

Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
I wish I didn't fall for people who are totally not within my "price range" if you will. Also, I wish I wasn't so self concious about my height and overall size. I'm beautiful and need to own it. Ha.

Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
http://www.ushistory.org/lovepark/

Day 06- Favorite super hero/fictional character and why
Favorite fictional character is Susanna Kaysen from Girl, Interrupted. Note how these lines are pretty much the best thing ever: Valerie: What would you have said to her?
Susanna: I don't know. That I was sorry. That I will never know what it was like to be her. But I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. You hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.
Valerie: Susanna, it's all well and good to tell me all this; but you gotta tell some of this to your doctors.
Susanna: How the hell am I supposed to recover when I don't even understand my disease?
Valerie: But you do understand it. You spoke very clearly about it a second ago. But I think what you've gotta do is put it down. Put it away. Put it in your notebook, but get it out of yourself. Away so you can't curl up with it anymore.
Susanna: Lisa thinks it's a gift. That it lets you see the truth.
Valerie: Lisa's been here for 8 years.
Susanna: [crying] I'm so sorry. I was a bitch. I was a bitch.
Valerie: Don't drop anchor here, you understand?
Susanna: [narrating] When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream. But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous. Maybe, there's a moment growing up when something peels back... Maybe, maybe, we look for secrets because we can't believe our minds...
[overlapping words]
Susanna: All I know is that I began to feel things again. Whatever I was, I knew there was only one way back to the world and that was to use the place to talk. So I saw the great and wonderful Dr. Wick three times a week and I let her hear every thought in my head.

and
Susanna: Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is... Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. They were not perfect, but they were my friends and by the '70s most of them were out living lives. Some I've seen, some never again, but there isn't a day my heart doesn't find them.

Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
http://www.ingridmichaelson.com/music/lyrics/

Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why

Short term goals: Be happier in life as we know it. Be present.

Firework

This is Katy Perry's new video that has made me feel so proud to be a survivor. <3

Peace and happiness this Halloween weekend. <3


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGJuMBdaqIw

Day 3-With Minor Complications

WELL. Since blogger is being a bum and not letting me upload my pics, I'm a little sad. But, I can skip to the next task :D And invite you all to check out my facebook for recent pictures if you're dying for them

Task for day four should be the habits I hate of myself, but you get them a day early. Such excitement.

I wish I didn't have the habits of flipping my hair, biting my nails, touching my face or arms or body part nervously/subconsciously, and how I pull away from people after a certain amount of time, either resulting from boredom or just overall fear of rejection. I also am not a fan of how much I procrastinate when I really plain ahead to prevent the night-before-it's-due rush! One day...I will conquer you. One day..

Til the sun shines.

Carolyn

Day 2-Blog name meaning

My blog name means what it says. "To change the world one step at a time." Well, that's my motto for life. Make each action I take as something that will impact the world in a positive manner. I wish that everyone would try to make the world a better place, so that every one can be happy and that we can rid the world of hate once and for all. Seriously. Maybe suicides, murder, and other heinous crimes wouldn't have a chance to exist or happen.

My alias online, musicallyfit848, is a representation of two of my favorite things. Music and being fit and leading a healthy lifestyle. It's been difficult to lead a healthy lifestyle in college since I have no time for anything but music, but I plan on getting fit again by small steps towards success. 848- is just my favorite number. For no particular reason really, I just like 848 cause I love 8's and 4's. :)

On another note: I think for awhile I was losing my self-worth in college. Being surrounded by so many other talented and amazing people 24/7, I find myself silently screaming in their shadow. This might all just be in my head but, just how I feel. This is also why I've been blogging again. Writing affirms my beliefs and solidifies my thoughts, hopes, and dreams on myself, on humanity, on society, on EVERY thing.

30 days-Recent Picture and 15 facts on Me

Recently, I've made many connections to people via the internet and more specifically twitter. One lovely individual started her own blog and was doing this thing for 30 days and even though I honestly have no time to do this during the week days, I'll do it as often as I can. It'll be a mini challenge if you will.

Fifteen random facts on me:

1. When I'm reading, I'm entranced. It's like I'm drunk of the book and into a different reality so once I put the book back down, and can't focus on the true reality ahead of me, I'm stuck in the book. A girl could lose herself that way.

2. I think girls who wear red lipstick and heals have the most self-confidence. They dare to express themselves in ways that many are too timid to attempt.

3. Last night, I danced with a stranger, I will never know his name and this is pretty insane to think about.

4. I've begun to appreciate Twitter more than Facebook cause you can communicate with famous people like cough cough, Ingrid Michaelson, cough cough via tweeting. Plus I like how that sounds. And no one yells at you for updating your status *too* often.

5. I find Halloween more fun than Christmas. The anticipation for Christmas is always amazing but the actual day is colorless compared to a night of getting free candy from strangers in a socially acceptable manner, while you're dressed like someone completely different from you.

6. Handwritten letters mean more to me than an email or even an expensive present.

7. I go out even when I really don't want to because I don't want to miss one experience of life in college.

8. I have the most respect for people who stick up for their beliefs in a polite manner, flaunt your beliefs like lady gaga wears bubbles, obnoxiously, and I don't have respect for you. No need to convert me or get angry at me if I'm happy with my own beliefs.

9. I tend to love people more than I should. I'm bitchy and a bully sometimes because I'm afraid of someone else doing that to me. I also laugh a lot because of that too. Which leads into...

10. I believe you have to laugh at yourself. If you can't find the humor in it, then life will be dreadfully boring. Especially sex. Sex is funny people.

11. I miss my room at home so much that I printed out a sheet of lime green paper (color of my walls at home) and stare at it when I'm alone in my dorm room. It's weird calling my dorm, "home," since I've only lived here 2 months and lived in Fishkill for 18 years.

12. I cry when I see animals dead on the side of the road. No joke. Poor squirrels. :(

13. I want a tattoo on my back with the Alanis Morissette lyrics "Everytime I scratch my nails down someone else's back I hope you feel it." But won't cause if I get married I'll feel bad that my husband will have to be reminded that I was hurt by someone.

14. I want to give up at least year of my life in service to the world. Specifically an organization like Invisible Children, Peace Corps, or CYFM.

15. My biggest goal of life is to be happy. If I'm happy as a music therapist than that is what I shall be. If I'm happy as a vocal performance major, that that is what I'll do. IF I'm happy with both, then by golly, I'll be a double major.

Peace and positivity.

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your blog name
Day 03- A recent picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero/fictional character and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about WordPress and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Who are you?

NOTE: pic wouldn't upload so you'll have to deal or visit my facebook. k? K.

A realization.

I can't remember a time where I wasn't self conscious about my height, weight, shape, and overall size.

Now, that may be a strong statement to start this blog entry off, considering I haven't blogged in a hell of a long time, but it's the truth and I want to admit it. I'm coming clean. I'm throwing out the old and horrid ways and wrapping myself in a warm blanket of new and unfamiliar. Which is Exciting, actually. Notice how I capitalize the exciting :p.

As I was taking my Saturday morning shower, after an intense and fun night in Philly, I've come to realize how coping mechanisms can really hurt you in the end. What do you mean by this, Carolyn? Well! What I mean is, back in the pre-adolescent days of glasses, acne, bad haircuts, braces, and baby fat, I was a victim of bullying. It was pretty bad, as I was taunted and teased, being called "a boy," the "grossest girl ever," "fat ass," "pig (followed by an oink)," "loser," and most commonly, "so weird." After a long time of these painful taunts, I began to make "I don't care what anyone else thinks" as my philosophy and way of life, something that would only add to the fuel of my eating disorder. When the battle ignited, I chose to ignore again that I was "too thin" this time, and instead believed that I was the most beautiful girl in the world because of my thin-ness. I didn't believe that being "too thin" could make me sick or hurt others when it only involved myself. But it did. See, everything must be in moderation, otherwise someone is "fat, too thin, or even too healthy" that it restrains your potential to live fully and enjoy every moment.

So now you're wondering, what are her thoughts on her present body situation. Sure, I have my struggles, but I'm aiming to find the beauty in each part of myself, as each situation I go through presents itself to me as a challenge. But challenges are meaningful parts of life.

What I'm getting at, I think, is that I have my doubts, but so does everyone. All I know now is to not limit myself to "I don't care what others say" but rather, I'll take their opinions in stride and make my own opinions on myself based on my reality and not the fantasy of my eccentric and somewhat insane mind.

Back to reality, which can sometimes suck,

Peace and Positivity,

Carolyn

Back to that old site, but for good.

Confession time: I used to be obsessed with a calorie counting website to the point where if a forum said not to eat something, I wouldn't. Well, I put a post up a while ago aka junior year and remembered of it this night. I thought I'd share it with y'all since I haven't posted in a while and have been slacking. Comments are needed for this and it's imput.

The media really puts pressure on teens to look a certain way and to act a certain way. They show pictures of emaciated models and label them pretty, well honestly, even those models don't look that "Perfect" in real life as the media also retouches their pictures. So, what does this mean for us teens? PERFECTION is NOT real. Say that. "I do NOT have to feel like I must obtain, strive for, seek, and/or need "PERFECTION"!!! <--sorry i'm very passionate about this as a recovering ED and depression victim.

So, I want to help you from whatever situation you are in in life. Whatever obstacle it may be, just remember that is one microscopic speck in the ENTIRETY of your life.

Now please know how amazing, different, incredible each one of us are!! Take the time to think of your talents, and qualities you like in yourself especially when you're feeling in the dumps. Trust me, I've had quite a lot of those times in my life. Actually, there are probably more sad times than happy in my life but that's why one should count the blessings they are given.

So, here's where you can respond. :P I kinda wrote a lot but I'm very enthusiastic hehe. List the things you like about yourself. Come on, just do it, brag a little.

Okay, I'll start. I love my posture, hair, height (at times), athletic, acting and singing abilities, my outgoingness, my smile and teeth, kindness, attitude on life, musical abilities, my pride, my individuality, my personal beliefs and politics, and my hands and feet. :p

Try it. Afterwords, you'll feel great. Trust me.