I wanted to pretend but you weren't fooling anyone but me.

Numb toes and frozen cheeks, we trek
Past cars and street lights
on the road with
No side walks.
Where's the solid ground?
It's all icy,
slipping
wet,
no traction
for my racing
feet.

But, we made it through.

Long ago, you would snarl at me with your pearly white teeth,
the cast is set,
you, the wolf,
me, the wide-eyed girl,
as I mistake your snarl for a toothy smile.
You can smell the fear
leaping off my skin
from my sin.
You devour me whole yet
leave little life left lying
within me.
Just enough
so I still feel the agony of your touch.

But, we made it through.

Stating facts,
you masquerade
past my ever ripening eye.
I can see past your lies now.
So,
I left.
Enjoy the burn
and the ashes.

The Future. Tomorrow, maybe?

I wish to be invaded. I wish to be entwined with someone who knows me. All of me. The things that many others don't know about me, I wish for someone to know. I want someone to capture the wild parts and tame parts of myself alike. I want to be plumaged and left a mess. Then, I'd be sure I'm actually feeling and then I can put myself together again. I like that process.

I'm looking for companionship. No questions asked because they should already know the answers. No daunting small talk, let's skip that please. I'm looking for a friend who will be a lover, someone to be there to hold my hand and cuddle anytime we're both free too. Someone who will help ignite my passion and continue to fuel it so that my creativity never diminishes. Inspiration not suffocation. I'd like that an awful lot.

For myself, I'd love to not be so hard on myself. (Awkward wording?) I'd also love to be free to be me in every philosophical and literal meaning of that. I'd love to not be so lonely when in a crowded room. I'd just adore completeness with myself.
"I'm looking for something to fill the holes"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_t68m5k9J_U
"I will fill my own holes..."

Alright, now onto "Girl, Interrupted," homework, and sleep.

The Present. The Now.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being the cute and funny one, the best friend, the person who people look at from afar and admire. I want someone to break through the plastic bubble surrounding me and really GET me. Take hold of my heart, rather than the opposite way around. I'm tired of failing tries on my end. Especially now in this new place where I'm struggling to take hold of my own self.
...

I get butterflies in my tummy when I think of you, when I see you, when I sit next to you, when I speak to you.
The future Carolyn Thorn, I love you.

Just Thoughts on Past and Current Dislocation of Soul

Dislocation: Past.
I'm misplaced. Caught up in my ever insane mind, I can't get out or even find where exactly I am in here. There's no internet, no GPS, no maps, I'm left stranded with only my gut directional sense leading me deeper and deeper out of sight. My colorful clothes and shiny personality no longer have the means to keep me in the light, I'm falling into anonymity and the worst part is I'm okay with that. This isn't fair to those who claim they love me, I know, but certain things are harder to survive.

You don't love me anymore, but rather think of me with a bitter taste in your mouth, you told me this over a text message. Jealous that I have potential as you sit there burnt out. I'm breaking free yet getting further lost. At least this time I'll be sober, more than I can say about you. I don't pity you anymore and you don't admire me anymore, that's how come our connection is broken. Was that really love or were we both just using each other to try to feel something real in this pathetic existence. I did love you, but you were never in love with me. You're too selfish to share anything with anyone. I'm not bitter, however, I'm just finally fully aware at how my love has always gone unrequited. I want to be touched again. Not just physically but deeply touched. I want to smile using all of my heart. I don't want to search for this, however. I want someone to find me.

On my mind...

I want to know if you remember what you said to me in my dream as you took my heart and split it in two? You don't? Damn, it would have made a really great lyric and would've made us both infinitely connected in my mind. I guess that just wasn't meant to be.

Good thing dreams aren't reality, in this case, at least. All I want to do is crawl back in the sheets, avoid the world for a little while cause you crushed me with your words. The worst part was that I let you, in my subconscious of course.

I want to feel your skin on mine. Yours so soft and mine so gentle. Why were my two dreams last night so real? They've left me haunted.

Why do I always want the people that I can't have? More importantly, why are you such a good person? Torture. Pure torture.

Thoughts in Class

Why smile when you're not happy? Don't try to hide yourself from me, the one who knows you best. A venti sized coffee bursts through my veins as my mind is flooded with things on my to-do list. My attraction towards those around me pulls me in directions I never would have dared to go. My bladder now full with classes imminent end slowly flushing forward. Tick-tock-tick-tock, 20 minutes left. Way too long a time in a class where the teacher's political correctness of herself takes more effort than the actual material being taught. Her gum chewing has grown to be an annoyance I cannot notice, like when someone says "like" or "um" ALL of the time.
After all, it's not that her jokes are bad, it's just the awkward delivery that ruins it.

Buying Joy

I wish you could go into a store and tell a clerk what you really need like happiness, good health, love, companionship, fearlessness, endless smiles, and hugs whenever needed. I wish that after telling the clerk that, he or she wouldn't look puzzled at your request, but instead, without hesitation, hand you your bags, you pay, and everything in your life would be grand. I wish that was how life worked, however, my wishes are considered far fetched.

Sure, you can go into a store, buy fancy things that are either out of your price limit, or if you have no price limit-really "affordable," that will make you feel great for about 10-15 minutes. Then, reality slams you in the face and you are left alone with your Steve Madden boots, Gucci purses, or whatever the hell it is that you bought. True, undeniable contentment is not something that is easy as 1-2-3. It's hard work. Sometimes it is so hard that people search and search for shortcuts that will make their life seemingly better. For some people, finding the contented state will come easy. Especially those who seek shallow, picture "perfect" needs. But, for the rest of us fools, we will be working and striving towards true happiness for the whole of our natural born lives. Sure, we'll lose our way and stray from our dedicated path but, ultimately, we will find our way back to the things in life we really want--our true, natural needs.

Try that on for size.
Peace and positivity,
ct