You'll Always Be My Thunder, So Bring on the Rain.

His smile melts my heart as he holds me in his arms and whispers, "I love you. You're amazing!" It feels so right yet I know it is wrong for his heart belongs not to me but her. He only loves me like a brother, not as a lover, anymore. He denies our past but can't seem to stop toying with my heart. Takes my hands into his and says how much he misses me--staring into his eyes, that brown, brown sea, I'm lost and this is unhealthy. I need to get out of the past and be happy with what I got. Not fair to the present and everyone involved, oh God. I know it's dangerous to ask but why not me? Why not me? Why she? 

I need to stop listening to West Side Story music. And reading my blue old journal. Both things do not make for a good mood, yet Gilmore Girls does, so let's go watch that.

I also need to make my invitations to my grad party.. :)

Stop Planning and LIVE and LET live

      Whoever says the perfect way to start and end ones day with reflecting is bad would be wrong. Most definitely. Here I sit, thinking back on all of the day's events and am especially happy with my accomplishments of the day: attending the St. Jude Rally where we wrote 2000!!! letters to family and friends to help donate money to research, taking and nailing two tests, blogging (right now), and overall enjoying the company of those around me. 

     Living for the moment, taking action, and diminishing the plans of every minute can help to truly experience each and every breath of every day. The beauty of true life may be lost throughout the shuffle of the day's craziness and business but one truly can feel the glory of each day if one takes a deep breath and just relaxes. Even for a second. Insert deep breath. :) Today I thought a lot about observing people and how different everyone truly is. It's sounds cliche that everyone is different and unique but just stare at someone long enough and their reactions always differ from another person. Some, I have noticed have squirmed, winked, smiled, and even called me "weird." Ha. I think it is their fear of not knowing what someone thinks about you that truly scares people. I've also realized today, to fully understand me, you have to know where I come from and what I've experienced...then everything else makes sense. 

     Alright, I have a lot of homework aka a whale of a Moby Dick essay to start/finish for Friday so I shall end this post with a quotation from Slaughterhouse 5, "Why you? Why us for that matter? Why anything? Because this moment simply is..There is no 'why.' So it goes." 

Tick tock tick tock...the scourge of waiting.

     I've never been one to just sit around, waiting for things to happen to me, so with this long, grueling process of college acceptances or denials (haven't received any yet THANK GOODNESS), and the only thing that can be done is wait, I believe I am going insane...Or something close to it. Reading Sylvia Plath's poems and letters home to her family isn't really boosting my moral, but it is SOMETHING that can be done. Another thing I have busied myself with is the next journey ahead of scholarships. Asking for money, or anything for that matter, is not something I am at all good at, so this task--making myself seem worthy/needy enough for the scholarships--has been not only daunting but disturbing my usual patterns of giving more than I receive.  That's why I believe merit scholarships are a beautiful thing. I didn't even need to apply for them but there they come! :D

     I must make a mental note to create a scholarship for teenagers headed for college when I can provide the means to do so when I'm an adult. I feel that people who create scholarships are very generous, compassionate people. 

I've been writing A LOT recently, maybe not on here, but in my journal filled with new quotes and thoughts from my day to day experiences. Writing is a skill that can only be improved as one gets older. Also, poetry is an aquired taste. I used to love poetry, then became immersed with novels and stories, but am now slowly levitating and delving back into the land of poetry. Poets are the most unusual, intelligent beings--only they know how to craft words so eloquently together. 

I'm excited to see what happens next in my life.