Buying Joy

I wish you could go into a store and tell a clerk what you really need like happiness, good health, love, companionship, fearlessness, endless smiles, and hugs whenever needed. I wish that after telling the clerk that, he or she wouldn't look puzzled at your request, but instead, without hesitation, hand you your bags, you pay, and everything in your life would be grand. I wish that was how life worked, however, my wishes are considered far fetched.

Sure, you can go into a store, buy fancy things that are either out of your price limit, or if you have no price limit-really "affordable," that will make you feel great for about 10-15 minutes. Then, reality slams you in the face and you are left alone with your Steve Madden boots, Gucci purses, or whatever the hell it is that you bought. True, undeniable contentment is not something that is easy as 1-2-3. It's hard work. Sometimes it is so hard that people search and search for shortcuts that will make their life seemingly better. For some people, finding the contented state will come easy. Especially those who seek shallow, picture "perfect" needs. But, for the rest of us fools, we will be working and striving towards true happiness for the whole of our natural born lives. Sure, we'll lose our way and stray from our dedicated path but, ultimately, we will find our way back to the things in life we really want--our true, natural needs.

Try that on for size.
Peace and positivity,
ct

I Remain..

 Your very existence makes me who I am. I believe Alanis was talking about Jesus :) or thats how I interpret it in her new song, I Remain. 

This is my 62 blog post and I think that's astonishing...in the best way possible. I have been thinking a lot about crossing bridges in life and how we must let go to those in our past, no matter how difficult it may be, to move on and start a new chapter in our lives. I really am not looking forward to saying goodbye to the friends I have had since 7th grade. Although we haven't always had classes together or been able to hang out all the time, they still all managed to leave an imprint on my heart. Especially those I've been close with since elementary. Oh Girl Scouts. 

Wow, this is making me sad. Gah. 

In other news, got my NHS tassel, and feel inspired to make positive and influential change on my body and on others. :) Inspire, excite, enthuse, create, ignite, light, start, jump, pop, power. I love words. Any other words that are awesome? Absurd, splendid, chipper, happiness, cacophony, plethora, succumb.

Stop Planning and LIVE and LET live

      Whoever says the perfect way to start and end ones day with reflecting is bad would be wrong. Most definitely. Here I sit, thinking back on all of the day's events and am especially happy with my accomplishments of the day: attending the St. Jude Rally where we wrote 2000!!! letters to family and friends to help donate money to research, taking and nailing two tests, blogging (right now), and overall enjoying the company of those around me. 

     Living for the moment, taking action, and diminishing the plans of every minute can help to truly experience each and every breath of every day. The beauty of true life may be lost throughout the shuffle of the day's craziness and business but one truly can feel the glory of each day if one takes a deep breath and just relaxes. Even for a second. Insert deep breath. :) Today I thought a lot about observing people and how different everyone truly is. It's sounds cliche that everyone is different and unique but just stare at someone long enough and their reactions always differ from another person. Some, I have noticed have squirmed, winked, smiled, and even called me "weird." Ha. I think it is their fear of not knowing what someone thinks about you that truly scares people. I've also realized today, to fully understand me, you have to know where I come from and what I've experienced...then everything else makes sense. 

     Alright, I have a lot of homework aka a whale of a Moby Dick essay to start/finish for Friday so I shall end this post with a quotation from Slaughterhouse 5, "Why you? Why us for that matter? Why anything? Because this moment simply is..There is no 'why.' So it goes." 

Pro Speck Tive?

What's your view on the world? Imagine one day in which you drastically change your schedule or break a social norm. Would that be the day people paid more attention to you? Are people who are beyond the normality of this society, like myself :p, doing the things we do for attention? 

Personally, I don't think so. Today I've been thinking a lot about my prospective and how I view the world based on the experiences in my life and how I view others and why this is so. It's been one of those philosophical days so I beg forgiveness if I've been a little anti-social today; I'm just thinking. 

The other day I started watching the new show, Life Unexpected, and even though the acting is terrible, I've found the "coincidental" plot to be rather entertaining. Now, we know what I'll be watching every Monday at 9 :) Anyway, the show reminded me of a novel, or short novel, that I began writing in my middle school years. Which led me to think about how I haven't written anything besides essays and blogs for the majority of the past three years. Goll-ey! That statistic seemed rather sad to me so from this day forward I'll be starting to write another novel, poems, and short stories along the way of the final year of my high school career. Wish me luck! 

Christmas Hopes

Merry Christmas! 

I've recently read so many inspiring things that I thought I would share them ALL with you and my own story as I have neglected to share that with you. 

Before that, Let me wish you all a beautiful and relaxing day...and I have been accepted to College of St. Rose and PACE University in NYC, so far. Yippee! :) Dreams do come true. 

Now here is my story, I hope to inspire as I have been inspired on this glorious day!

     In the ninth grade and tenth, I battled a major conflict between myself, an eating disorder, and societies’ expectations on the typical ideal of beauty. All my childhood years I had been seen as the chubby one; the girl who wasn’t extraordinarily good-looking but always kind and outgoing. It led to taunting by others and even having no friends for a while. When I got to the ninth grade, I made the decision to lose weight--by any means possible. At first my weight loss process had been calm, as it fell in step with my daily life activities. Slowly, the calorie counting, the need for controlling the healthy meals I would eat, and the hour-and-a-half-daily exercise began to take over my entire life.

     It’s one of those things that you read about in magazines, that you never believe would ever take over your life, heart, soul, mind, and identity. I measured everything I ate, and thought that I was eating enough, I truly believed that. Even when the doctors and everyone around me, screamed at me that I had Anorexia Nervosa, I believed that I was just living a healthy lifestyle. It’s just something I got caught into, until it became the complete focus of my brain, the desperation of every breath I took, the very thing that was slowly killing me, yet I would Not, Could Not live without. Eventually, deep down inside I knew I was an exercise anorexic and lied to everyone about my eating patterns. My diet mantra continued for a while until I became very sick and was told that I would die if I continued to lose anymore weight.  I grew farther and farther away from everyone, including my own self. I went from 160 pounds, at a height of 5 foot 10, to 110 pounds...in less than a year. Yet I believed that I was “perfect,” although never fully satisfied with my weight. I agreed to start gaining weight when they told me that I had no estrogen in my body, meaning that I almost stopped the chances of ever having a child. My menstrual cycle completely stopped. I was not, in my mind, a normal girl anymore. It was very difficult for me to gain weight, with my fast-burning metabolism and the feeling that I constantly had to shove food in my mouth and I became deeply saddened at the thought of losing my “perfect” image that society had thrust upon me. Being tall and skinny and beautiful became my identity. I relied on my looks, read less than ever before and even chose exercising at the gym over doing my homework. 

      The transition from that moment to who I am now--confident, strong, smart, independent, beautiful (inside and outside), and healthy--took more courage and effort than anything else I have accomplished in my life, as I battled the hardest of my life, my own mind. Surviving not only helped me to appreciate life, as I was so close to death, but granted me an opportunity to truly understand the power of one’s own mind, whether for good purposes or bad. 

I hope this finds you all well...Here are some other websites that have inspired me to inspire you. 

www.givesmehope.com

http://www.healthytippingpoint.com/

http://operationbeautiful.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKPaxD61lwo&feature=player_embedded

Merry Christmas to all and to ALL a good night :)

Love, 

Carolyn