A reminder of why I'm a musician:

Today, I played The Way I Am on ukulele in Music Therapy Experiences class despite being sick. The assignment was to bring a song of significant value to you and of course I had to choose an Ingrid Michaelson song, to choose anything else would not have done justice to my musical tastes. Anyway, we each had to play our chosen song as a solo, and then as a group we would play it again, this time with the rest of the class on different instruments backing us (the soloist) up.

Side note: I never usually get nervous when performing. Sometimes, I try my best to be humble and give others a shot at the spotlight ,hence my hesitancy to perform alone at times. I’d never want to make anyone uncomfortable because of my talent.

But today, something was different: I was nervous. Maybe it was because I am sick or maybe it’s on account of I hadn’t practiced this song before class but, something made me nervous to play this. Then I realized, it’s because the words…I used to take the song as a promise to a lover or as a promise to a friend but what I was really using it for, today at least, was a promise to myself. I will take myself “the way I am.” And that’s simply all I can do. I’m done trying to explain myself in terms of my sexuality because I’m so much more than that. I don’t have to figure that out right now because I’ll continuously grow and learn about myself along the way. I’m a person with so many feelings other than lust and shallow needs/wants. I have hopes and dreams and plans.

When it came time to have everyone back me up, let’s just say that it was magical. I don’t think I’ve ever heard such a beautiful version of this song when the people were harmonizing with me as they listened. Someone played piano, someone sang harmony, someone played a clarinet, others percussion…My classmates may not know me well but they truly listened to what I was doing and made it into something even more beautiful. Which as silly and poetic as it sounds, demonstrated to me how I must not only rely on myself but let other people love me “The way I am” to make me shine and become more lovely with the help of those around me. Or I could totally be overanalyzing this. Either way:

“Music is what feelings sound like.”

Now, I'm getting ready to do the opening number for a dear friend's senior voice recital. Not only do I feel honored that she asked me to perform a silly ukulele song at such an important beginning of her classical career, but I feel blessed to have her--this incredibly talented, beautiful, kind, and gentle young woman--as a friend, mentor, and someone I know will be in my life for a long time.
"I've never known a musician who regretted being one. Whatever deceptions life may have in store for you, music itself is not going to let you down." ~Virgil Thomson

Spring Break Salt Grains

I feel like I needed this week in my hometown, to remove myself from situations, put myself into others, and truly assess my life. I've done a lot of thinking and know what I need to do now to keep myself sane and happy. Happiness is key. I know how to get out of this rut I've been in and remember the ways that jump-start me and remind me of myself, my goals, and the kinds of energy I want to surround myself with.

I've also taken this time to realize that I no longer see gender in normal terms. I can't imagine myself with someone of either sex. I just imagine myself with this caring, loving person, capable of so many things and for striving for personal achievement. And this, this is beautiful to me.

Things I must renew: my self worth, my body.

Tomorrow, I return to home for the second half of this hellish semester. Wish me luck.

Giant

The things we think set us apart only bring us together.
Eating disorders, bad break ups, homosexuality, lack of motivation, ignorance, unrequited love, apathy, self pity.
Misery adores company. It's even in it's slogan.
But once we go beyond that magnetism, we find that the core uniqueness of ourselves lies in something that no one can ever define. Something unpredictable. Unplanned, if you will.
What sustains us, what motivates us, what angers us, what pleases us, all are just little fragments of the giant that we each title
Myself.

The Present. The Now.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being the cute and funny one, the best friend, the person who people look at from afar and admire. I want someone to break through the plastic bubble surrounding me and really GET me. Take hold of my heart, rather than the opposite way around. I'm tired of failing tries on my end. Especially now in this new place where I'm struggling to take hold of my own self.
...

I get butterflies in my tummy when I think of you, when I see you, when I sit next to you, when I speak to you.
The future Carolyn Thorn, I love you.

Just Thoughts on Past and Current Dislocation of Soul

Dislocation: Past.
I'm misplaced. Caught up in my ever insane mind, I can't get out or even find where exactly I am in here. There's no internet, no GPS, no maps, I'm left stranded with only my gut directional sense leading me deeper and deeper out of sight. My colorful clothes and shiny personality no longer have the means to keep me in the light, I'm falling into anonymity and the worst part is I'm okay with that. This isn't fair to those who claim they love me, I know, but certain things are harder to survive.

You don't love me anymore, but rather think of me with a bitter taste in your mouth, you told me this over a text message. Jealous that I have potential as you sit there burnt out. I'm breaking free yet getting further lost. At least this time I'll be sober, more than I can say about you. I don't pity you anymore and you don't admire me anymore, that's how come our connection is broken. Was that really love or were we both just using each other to try to feel something real in this pathetic existence. I did love you, but you were never in love with me. You're too selfish to share anything with anyone. I'm not bitter, however, I'm just finally fully aware at how my love has always gone unrequited. I want to be touched again. Not just physically but deeply touched. I want to smile using all of my heart. I don't want to search for this, however. I want someone to find me.

Thoughts in Class

Why smile when you're not happy? Don't try to hide yourself from me, the one who knows you best. A venti sized coffee bursts through my veins as my mind is flooded with things on my to-do list. My attraction towards those around me pulls me in directions I never would have dared to go. My bladder now full with classes imminent end slowly flushing forward. Tick-tock-tick-tock, 20 minutes left. Way too long a time in a class where the teacher's political correctness of herself takes more effort than the actual material being taught. Her gum chewing has grown to be an annoyance I cannot notice, like when someone says "like" or "um" ALL of the time.
After all, it's not that her jokes are bad, it's just the awkward delivery that ruins it.

Buying Joy

I wish you could go into a store and tell a clerk what you really need like happiness, good health, love, companionship, fearlessness, endless smiles, and hugs whenever needed. I wish that after telling the clerk that, he or she wouldn't look puzzled at your request, but instead, without hesitation, hand you your bags, you pay, and everything in your life would be grand. I wish that was how life worked, however, my wishes are considered far fetched.

Sure, you can go into a store, buy fancy things that are either out of your price limit, or if you have no price limit-really "affordable," that will make you feel great for about 10-15 minutes. Then, reality slams you in the face and you are left alone with your Steve Madden boots, Gucci purses, or whatever the hell it is that you bought. True, undeniable contentment is not something that is easy as 1-2-3. It's hard work. Sometimes it is so hard that people search and search for shortcuts that will make their life seemingly better. For some people, finding the contented state will come easy. Especially those who seek shallow, picture "perfect" needs. But, for the rest of us fools, we will be working and striving towards true happiness for the whole of our natural born lives. Sure, we'll lose our way and stray from our dedicated path but, ultimately, we will find our way back to the things in life we really want--our true, natural needs.

Try that on for size.
Peace and positivity,
ct

Travel Back

So it goes.
It's my last night in my room at home before I embark in round two of the crazy adventure that is college and I am more than excited to return. Of course, I am reflecting on my life's past moments and future career while listening to some light, melodic lines made possible by Ingrid Michaelson.

I was just thinking how I never really want to be "just a singer." Like, if I was ever given the chance to be in a recording studio and record my own work, I'd want to be part of the WHOLE process rather than just the singing/performing. I'd want to play ukulele, help mix it, and help insure that the product is something that is true to the intention of the music. I'm more than just a pretty face that can be publicized and sold and I need to remember that. If I'm ever in a band, I wouldn't want to just be the lead singer, I'd wanna play an instrument, count off AND sing.

You may say that this sounds greedy, but what I believe it's all in my yearning to learn and grow and flourish and become the best in everything I can be. And that strong want, that is what I believe is greedy in my dream. But tell me, who's dream isn't greedy?

I guess what I'm trying to say is the one thing I need to keep in mind is that I can never box myself into one aspect whether it be singing, psychology, ukulele, writing, acting. If I only do one thing, well, that is not how I dreamed my dream. My dreams are more complex than any sentences can hold. And isn't that the beauty of it? The magical part of that is how my dream is not tangible whatsoever at this point in my life, but as I keep striving, I know I'll be able to feel it's warmth and bask in my personal glory. One day.

And then, maybe, I'll travel back to this moment now, in my mind, and smile a contented smile.

Peace and positivity,
ct

Rant on Children's Movies Started By a Midnight Snack

Whenever I eat a Gingerbread man, I think back to that scene in Shrek where the poor cookie is under questioning by the creepy, short king who threatens to take his gum drop button. I mean, who does that? That’s so cruel and heartless. Scenes in movies like that make me feel uncomfortable. And I don’t even have children yet. What if one day, I’m in my living room with my spouse and see sexual innuendos galore in a children’s movie. Cause we all know that these movies have them. Grease, anyone?! Do we laugh in front of the child? Or shake our heads disapprovingly? Or ignore it completely? God only knows what I’ll do when the child becomes a teenager and realizes that those are indeed sexual innuendos and that we, as parents, were misinforming them. Will that turn their childhood upside down and lead them into greater resentment of the people who brought them into this world? Cough cough myself and one other? Or will they think me dull and not smart enough to have caught the joke? Well, we all know me and my pride so the latter will not occur. Oh, I can see the therapy costs already.

I also love how I can see how this whole thing is inevitable in my child-raising future. I mean, how do I skirt away from this situation? Not let them watch Disney classics or TV in general? I couldn't do that even if I bled to death in an attempt for it. TV is everywhere. SEX is everywhere. So, let's just face the facts head on and start Sex-Ed in kindergarten...That way there will be no lies. And only truth. But is the truth to much for some to handle?

Gah, so many questions and thoughts brought upon by my munchies.

Benefits of watching non stop TV

    Desperate Housewives, What I like About you, Live with Regis and Kelly, Oprah, Little Miss Sunshine, CSI: New York, Criminal Minds, Big Brother, 2 and a half men, and last but certainly not least, Grey's Anatomy (my newest guilty pleasure)--That's what these three days of sickness have consisted of. Sure, I can only remember half of what happened in CSI last night because I was busy being feverish and shaking but, at least it was there. I'm pretty sure I haven't watched this much TV, like straight hours of television, since I was in the eighth grade. Sure, I read Wuthering Heights and wrote 'thank you's' as to not fry out my brain with the pop culture and flashing lights but still, I feel the effects bestowed upon me by the "boob tube." And I'm not proud of this recent couch potato lifestyle, but hell, when you're sick, you are sick. and should not be stressing over packing and such. So. 

    What TV has taught me? Well, here's just a small list: 

1. Life is brief and mostly sucks. Enjoy only the best while you can. ~Desperate Housewives

2. Never use money as a weapon, especially in friendships. ~DH 

3. We are NOT paying for the President to eat. ~Oprah

4. Laura Bush is one of the only Republicans I can tolerate. ~Oprah

5. Life is one beauty contest, one after the other. ~Little Miss Sunshine

6. "A real loser is someone who is so afraid of not winning that they don't even try." ~LMS

7. There is nothing in the world the matter. ~Wuthering Heights (shoot me it's from a book)

8. Proud people breed sad sorrows for themselves. ~WH again

9. Never kill anyone and expect someone to believe it's a suicide. ~CSI

10. Actually, just DON'T kill anyone. ~CSI

11. Wonder with me, just how did Regis become famous and why is Kelly always laughing?

12. Never live with 2 other men and expect it to be magically clean without a house keeper. ~2 and a half men

13. Doctors, interns, nurses are overworked and need more sleep. So let them have it, dammit. ~Grey's Anatomy

14. Try not to fall in love with a colleague. If you do, well then, sucks for you! ~GA

and most importantly: 

15. Relish in the fact that we are NOT in the Big Brother household fighting for money that will most likely be taxed away and that they'll never see as their dignity flies away on national television. 

Happy Thursday! 

I Remain..

 Your very existence makes me who I am. I believe Alanis was talking about Jesus :) or thats how I interpret it in her new song, I Remain. 

This is my 62 blog post and I think that's astonishing...in the best way possible. I have been thinking a lot about crossing bridges in life and how we must let go to those in our past, no matter how difficult it may be, to move on and start a new chapter in our lives. I really am not looking forward to saying goodbye to the friends I have had since 7th grade. Although we haven't always had classes together or been able to hang out all the time, they still all managed to leave an imprint on my heart. Especially those I've been close with since elementary. Oh Girl Scouts. 

Wow, this is making me sad. Gah. 

In other news, got my NHS tassel, and feel inspired to make positive and influential change on my body and on others. :) Inspire, excite, enthuse, create, ignite, light, start, jump, pop, power. I love words. Any other words that are awesome? Absurd, splendid, chipper, happiness, cacophony, plethora, succumb.

Ophelia. Earth Day

Watch this scene. It describes so much. :)

Now.

I think that now, right now, is the most perfect time to be alive. Why? you may ask. 

Well, I'll tell you why. Cause at this moment I have a heart full of love, an intelligent head resting on my strong shoulders with dreams spanning farther than the stars, racing through my mind. I miss Proscenium already. 

Stop Planning and LIVE and LET live

      Whoever says the perfect way to start and end ones day with reflecting is bad would be wrong. Most definitely. Here I sit, thinking back on all of the day's events and am especially happy with my accomplishments of the day: attending the St. Jude Rally where we wrote 2000!!! letters to family and friends to help donate money to research, taking and nailing two tests, blogging (right now), and overall enjoying the company of those around me. 

     Living for the moment, taking action, and diminishing the plans of every minute can help to truly experience each and every breath of every day. The beauty of true life may be lost throughout the shuffle of the day's craziness and business but one truly can feel the glory of each day if one takes a deep breath and just relaxes. Even for a second. Insert deep breath. :) Today I thought a lot about observing people and how different everyone truly is. It's sounds cliche that everyone is different and unique but just stare at someone long enough and their reactions always differ from another person. Some, I have noticed have squirmed, winked, smiled, and even called me "weird." Ha. I think it is their fear of not knowing what someone thinks about you that truly scares people. I've also realized today, to fully understand me, you have to know where I come from and what I've experienced...then everything else makes sense. 

     Alright, I have a lot of homework aka a whale of a Moby Dick essay to start/finish for Friday so I shall end this post with a quotation from Slaughterhouse 5, "Why you? Why us for that matter? Why anything? Because this moment simply is..There is no 'why.' So it goes." 

Pro Speck Tive?

What's your view on the world? Imagine one day in which you drastically change your schedule or break a social norm. Would that be the day people paid more attention to you? Are people who are beyond the normality of this society, like myself :p, doing the things we do for attention? 

Personally, I don't think so. Today I've been thinking a lot about my prospective and how I view the world based on the experiences in my life and how I view others and why this is so. It's been one of those philosophical days so I beg forgiveness if I've been a little anti-social today; I'm just thinking. 

The other day I started watching the new show, Life Unexpected, and even though the acting is terrible, I've found the "coincidental" plot to be rather entertaining. Now, we know what I'll be watching every Monday at 9 :) Anyway, the show reminded me of a novel, or short novel, that I began writing in my middle school years. Which led me to think about how I haven't written anything besides essays and blogs for the majority of the past three years. Goll-ey! That statistic seemed rather sad to me so from this day forward I'll be starting to write another novel, poems, and short stories along the way of the final year of my high school career. Wish me luck!