Buying Joy

I wish you could go into a store and tell a clerk what you really need like happiness, good health, love, companionship, fearlessness, endless smiles, and hugs whenever needed. I wish that after telling the clerk that, he or she wouldn't look puzzled at your request, but instead, without hesitation, hand you your bags, you pay, and everything in your life would be grand. I wish that was how life worked, however, my wishes are considered far fetched.

Sure, you can go into a store, buy fancy things that are either out of your price limit, or if you have no price limit-really "affordable," that will make you feel great for about 10-15 minutes. Then, reality slams you in the face and you are left alone with your Steve Madden boots, Gucci purses, or whatever the hell it is that you bought. True, undeniable contentment is not something that is easy as 1-2-3. It's hard work. Sometimes it is so hard that people search and search for shortcuts that will make their life seemingly better. For some people, finding the contented state will come easy. Especially those who seek shallow, picture "perfect" needs. But, for the rest of us fools, we will be working and striving towards true happiness for the whole of our natural born lives. Sure, we'll lose our way and stray from our dedicated path but, ultimately, we will find our way back to the things in life we really want--our true, natural needs.

Try that on for size.
Peace and positivity,
ct

Travel Back

So it goes.
It's my last night in my room at home before I embark in round two of the crazy adventure that is college and I am more than excited to return. Of course, I am reflecting on my life's past moments and future career while listening to some light, melodic lines made possible by Ingrid Michaelson.

I was just thinking how I never really want to be "just a singer." Like, if I was ever given the chance to be in a recording studio and record my own work, I'd want to be part of the WHOLE process rather than just the singing/performing. I'd want to play ukulele, help mix it, and help insure that the product is something that is true to the intention of the music. I'm more than just a pretty face that can be publicized and sold and I need to remember that. If I'm ever in a band, I wouldn't want to just be the lead singer, I'd wanna play an instrument, count off AND sing.

You may say that this sounds greedy, but what I believe it's all in my yearning to learn and grow and flourish and become the best in everything I can be. And that strong want, that is what I believe is greedy in my dream. But tell me, who's dream isn't greedy?

I guess what I'm trying to say is the one thing I need to keep in mind is that I can never box myself into one aspect whether it be singing, psychology, ukulele, writing, acting. If I only do one thing, well, that is not how I dreamed my dream. My dreams are more complex than any sentences can hold. And isn't that the beauty of it? The magical part of that is how my dream is not tangible whatsoever at this point in my life, but as I keep striving, I know I'll be able to feel it's warmth and bask in my personal glory. One day.

And then, maybe, I'll travel back to this moment now, in my mind, and smile a contented smile.

Peace and positivity,
ct

What love really means...

I gave up 5 days of my life to go on retreat at Capuchin Youth and Family Ministries to help with Habitat for Humanity. But it was so much more than escaping reality. It was incredible. Utterly incredible. Brought back my faith in humanity and renewed lots of friendships with people I hadn't seen in a while and met a whole bunch of great people.

I built cabinets/counters for this transitional housing apartments (3 in total) carried bunches of doors up three stories and helped to get lumber from a lumber yard/through away scrap metal. Lots of work and sweat but so worth it, knowing that one day a family will be living there.

~ct

Home equals Christmas

I know I'm home during Christmas when there are cookies everywhere. We never have cookies here and yet they surround me, choke me even. Which is also totally fine by me, especially with all the Christmas books, tree, lights, and other holiday goodies as a constant reminder for my family's reason for the season. I also think that seeing little socks made for two year olds are the cutest things ever.
It's weird to be home and not be expected to go to class. Or to be expected to get things done.
It's weird when I realize that I've been away for four months and come back and almost nothing yet everything has changed. Weird right?
Makes one think about things more closely.
Alright, now I'ma get ready to go and see Black Swan.
To Do for tomorrow:
Make list for Christmas.
Shop.
Visit friends.
Repeat...

Kill them with kindness...

Day 03289759279- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
I'm proud that I've been able to be open to change and accept in all my unique traits and even new interests that I never wanted to admit we're there but have always been there. What is it? Something for me to know and get used to and for you to be patient and in due time will find out. I'm also proud that I've been hanging out with friends rather than on my lonesome.

Currently, I'm in the tech center, procrastinating and watching the couple next to me play footsie as I write this. Do you know what I love? Holding hands. Anyone's hand, it doesn't matter who, and can totally be platonic but just the warmth of another makes me heart smile.

This week's goal before turkey day is to kill em with kindness. Take that anyway you want, I care only for my own definition of the mantra, phrase if you will. Alright, folks, this thorny girl has got to learn how to play some Bb, Eb, and Ab scales on piano with the diatonic triads. Yeehaw!!

Was blind but now I see....

Or I was just really lazy and am now semi productive. It's been one of those days. The days where you're so out of it and so busy that you just have to take time for yourself and friends otherwise you'll go insane. Speaking of insane... Just kidding, I'm in the sanity today.Also, considering I like FAILED at continuing my project for my blog, I shall complete 4 days' topics in one entry. On your mark, get set, read:

Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
I wish I didn't fall for people who are totally not within my "price range" if you will. Also, I wish I wasn't so self concious about my height and overall size. I'm beautiful and need to own it. Ha.

Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
http://www.ushistory.org/lovepark/

Day 06- Favorite super hero/fictional character and why
Favorite fictional character is Susanna Kaysen from Girl, Interrupted. Note how these lines are pretty much the best thing ever: Valerie: What would you have said to her?
Susanna: I don't know. That I was sorry. That I will never know what it was like to be her. But I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. You hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.
Valerie: Susanna, it's all well and good to tell me all this; but you gotta tell some of this to your doctors.
Susanna: How the hell am I supposed to recover when I don't even understand my disease?
Valerie: But you do understand it. You spoke very clearly about it a second ago. But I think what you've gotta do is put it down. Put it away. Put it in your notebook, but get it out of yourself. Away so you can't curl up with it anymore.
Susanna: Lisa thinks it's a gift. That it lets you see the truth.
Valerie: Lisa's been here for 8 years.
Susanna: [crying] I'm so sorry. I was a bitch. I was a bitch.
Valerie: Don't drop anchor here, you understand?
Susanna: [narrating] When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream. But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous. Maybe, there's a moment growing up when something peels back... Maybe, maybe, we look for secrets because we can't believe our minds...
[overlapping words]
Susanna: All I know is that I began to feel things again. Whatever I was, I knew there was only one way back to the world and that was to use the place to talk. So I saw the great and wonderful Dr. Wick three times a week and I let her hear every thought in my head.

and
Susanna: Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is... Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. They were not perfect, but they were my friends and by the '70s most of them were out living lives. Some I've seen, some never again, but there isn't a day my heart doesn't find them.

Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
http://www.ingridmichaelson.com/music/lyrics/

Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why

Short term goals: Be happier in life as we know it. Be present.

Firework

This is Katy Perry's new video that has made me feel so proud to be a survivor. <3

Peace and happiness this Halloween weekend. <3


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGJuMBdaqIw

Day 2-Blog name meaning

My blog name means what it says. "To change the world one step at a time." Well, that's my motto for life. Make each action I take as something that will impact the world in a positive manner. I wish that everyone would try to make the world a better place, so that every one can be happy and that we can rid the world of hate once and for all. Seriously. Maybe suicides, murder, and other heinous crimes wouldn't have a chance to exist or happen.

My alias online, musicallyfit848, is a representation of two of my favorite things. Music and being fit and leading a healthy lifestyle. It's been difficult to lead a healthy lifestyle in college since I have no time for anything but music, but I plan on getting fit again by small steps towards success. 848- is just my favorite number. For no particular reason really, I just like 848 cause I love 8's and 4's. :)

On another note: I think for awhile I was losing my self-worth in college. Being surrounded by so many other talented and amazing people 24/7, I find myself silently screaming in their shadow. This might all just be in my head but, just how I feel. This is also why I've been blogging again. Writing affirms my beliefs and solidifies my thoughts, hopes, and dreams on myself, on humanity, on society, on EVERY thing.

30 days-Recent Picture and 15 facts on Me

Recently, I've made many connections to people via the internet and more specifically twitter. One lovely individual started her own blog and was doing this thing for 30 days and even though I honestly have no time to do this during the week days, I'll do it as often as I can. It'll be a mini challenge if you will.

Fifteen random facts on me:

1. When I'm reading, I'm entranced. It's like I'm drunk of the book and into a different reality so once I put the book back down, and can't focus on the true reality ahead of me, I'm stuck in the book. A girl could lose herself that way.

2. I think girls who wear red lipstick and heals have the most self-confidence. They dare to express themselves in ways that many are too timid to attempt.

3. Last night, I danced with a stranger, I will never know his name and this is pretty insane to think about.

4. I've begun to appreciate Twitter more than Facebook cause you can communicate with famous people like cough cough, Ingrid Michaelson, cough cough via tweeting. Plus I like how that sounds. And no one yells at you for updating your status *too* often.

5. I find Halloween more fun than Christmas. The anticipation for Christmas is always amazing but the actual day is colorless compared to a night of getting free candy from strangers in a socially acceptable manner, while you're dressed like someone completely different from you.

6. Handwritten letters mean more to me than an email or even an expensive present.

7. I go out even when I really don't want to because I don't want to miss one experience of life in college.

8. I have the most respect for people who stick up for their beliefs in a polite manner, flaunt your beliefs like lady gaga wears bubbles, obnoxiously, and I don't have respect for you. No need to convert me or get angry at me if I'm happy with my own beliefs.

9. I tend to love people more than I should. I'm bitchy and a bully sometimes because I'm afraid of someone else doing that to me. I also laugh a lot because of that too. Which leads into...

10. I believe you have to laugh at yourself. If you can't find the humor in it, then life will be dreadfully boring. Especially sex. Sex is funny people.

11. I miss my room at home so much that I printed out a sheet of lime green paper (color of my walls at home) and stare at it when I'm alone in my dorm room. It's weird calling my dorm, "home," since I've only lived here 2 months and lived in Fishkill for 18 years.

12. I cry when I see animals dead on the side of the road. No joke. Poor squirrels. :(

13. I want a tattoo on my back with the Alanis Morissette lyrics "Everytime I scratch my nails down someone else's back I hope you feel it." But won't cause if I get married I'll feel bad that my husband will have to be reminded that I was hurt by someone.

14. I want to give up at least year of my life in service to the world. Specifically an organization like Invisible Children, Peace Corps, or CYFM.

15. My biggest goal of life is to be happy. If I'm happy as a music therapist than that is what I shall be. If I'm happy as a vocal performance major, that that is what I'll do. IF I'm happy with both, then by golly, I'll be a double major.

Peace and positivity.

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your blog name
Day 03- A recent picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero/fictional character and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about WordPress and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Who are you?

NOTE: pic wouldn't upload so you'll have to deal or visit my facebook. k? K.

Back to that old site, but for good.

Confession time: I used to be obsessed with a calorie counting website to the point where if a forum said not to eat something, I wouldn't. Well, I put a post up a while ago aka junior year and remembered of it this night. I thought I'd share it with y'all since I haven't posted in a while and have been slacking. Comments are needed for this and it's imput.

The media really puts pressure on teens to look a certain way and to act a certain way. They show pictures of emaciated models and label them pretty, well honestly, even those models don't look that "Perfect" in real life as the media also retouches their pictures. So, what does this mean for us teens? PERFECTION is NOT real. Say that. "I do NOT have to feel like I must obtain, strive for, seek, and/or need "PERFECTION"!!! <--sorry i'm very passionate about this as a recovering ED and depression victim.

So, I want to help you from whatever situation you are in in life. Whatever obstacle it may be, just remember that is one microscopic speck in the ENTIRETY of your life.

Now please know how amazing, different, incredible each one of us are!! Take the time to think of your talents, and qualities you like in yourself especially when you're feeling in the dumps. Trust me, I've had quite a lot of those times in my life. Actually, there are probably more sad times than happy in my life but that's why one should count the blessings they are given.

So, here's where you can respond. :P I kinda wrote a lot but I'm very enthusiastic hehe. List the things you like about yourself. Come on, just do it, brag a little.

Okay, I'll start. I love my posture, hair, height (at times), athletic, acting and singing abilities, my outgoingness, my smile and teeth, kindness, attitude on life, musical abilities, my pride, my individuality, my personal beliefs and politics, and my hands and feet. :p

Try it. Afterwords, you'll feel great. Trust me.

Benefits of watching non stop TV

    Desperate Housewives, What I like About you, Live with Regis and Kelly, Oprah, Little Miss Sunshine, CSI: New York, Criminal Minds, Big Brother, 2 and a half men, and last but certainly not least, Grey's Anatomy (my newest guilty pleasure)--That's what these three days of sickness have consisted of. Sure, I can only remember half of what happened in CSI last night because I was busy being feverish and shaking but, at least it was there. I'm pretty sure I haven't watched this much TV, like straight hours of television, since I was in the eighth grade. Sure, I read Wuthering Heights and wrote 'thank you's' as to not fry out my brain with the pop culture and flashing lights but still, I feel the effects bestowed upon me by the "boob tube." And I'm not proud of this recent couch potato lifestyle, but hell, when you're sick, you are sick. and should not be stressing over packing and such. So. 

    What TV has taught me? Well, here's just a small list: 

1. Life is brief and mostly sucks. Enjoy only the best while you can. ~Desperate Housewives

2. Never use money as a weapon, especially in friendships. ~DH 

3. We are NOT paying for the President to eat. ~Oprah

4. Laura Bush is one of the only Republicans I can tolerate. ~Oprah

5. Life is one beauty contest, one after the other. ~Little Miss Sunshine

6. "A real loser is someone who is so afraid of not winning that they don't even try." ~LMS

7. There is nothing in the world the matter. ~Wuthering Heights (shoot me it's from a book)

8. Proud people breed sad sorrows for themselves. ~WH again

9. Never kill anyone and expect someone to believe it's a suicide. ~CSI

10. Actually, just DON'T kill anyone. ~CSI

11. Wonder with me, just how did Regis become famous and why is Kelly always laughing?

12. Never live with 2 other men and expect it to be magically clean without a house keeper. ~2 and a half men

13. Doctors, interns, nurses are overworked and need more sleep. So let them have it, dammit. ~Grey's Anatomy

14. Try not to fall in love with a colleague. If you do, well then, sucks for you! ~GA

and most importantly: 

15. Relish in the fact that we are NOT in the Big Brother household fighting for money that will most likely be taxed away and that they'll never see as their dignity flies away on national television. 

Happy Thursday! 

Wisdom from My Father

I'm cleaning my room for college, getting rid of things I don't need and putting the memories away into boxes. Sorting the stuff I will take with me from the things I'll leave behind. 

On opening a wooden box that I filled with mementos of my father's I found in his wallet a note or a list of things that could not be more fitting for this occasion of preparation to spread my wings and fly. (corny alert) 

His note:

1. Be an individual

2. Talk- to me or someone

3. Don't worry about others

4. Live for yourself

5. Don't think-Do!

The Past is a butthead? Yup.

You're better than that. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsSRW8XN-pk

Watch and smile cause you're worth it!

Sometimes...The things one realizes after 8 days of Precious Moments

    Sometimes my lungs can't handle the air i'm breathing. I get pulled in a world of fantasy stuck in my head of stories. Sometimes I pay more attention to blinking and my heart thumping than my own thoughts. Sometimes I find love in the most inconvenient of times. Sometimes I realize things aren't meant to be. Sometimes I realize they are. That's what this week has shown me. 

     It's crazy to know how tired I get off of 5 hours of sleep a night. Encouraging, sharing, loving, sighing, being...how should I feel here? I'm in the middle, not stuck but merely floating, wading and lightly lapping the water to push towards the surface. Dangerously close to the edge of the bridge with one foot planted on solid ground. People think I'm fine now. But, I know they're wrong. I'm not okay, but I devote each day aiming to to be so one day. As long as I keep trying and holding on I'm sure some sort of positive change will come as my karma level musy be at an incredibly high and positive level. Oh well. 

Don't know what to think about this experience of CAM. I've gained close friends but lost who I thought I was and have become more confused about who I am. That's scary to me because if I can't figure out how can I understand anything else? Like 2 plus 2. Shouldn't equal four? Who knows...?

    I'm not as talented as many, prettier, skinner, funnier, nicer, more honest, or open, but I am me. That's all one can strive to be right? 

guess what?

I'M A GRADUATE!

just saying. :D

My LAST post lied!

My last post says it was posted yesterday, but it lies. It was posted five minutes ago,  Friday June 25th or the day of my graduation! Yea, this is sweet in a bitter sort of way. Like dark chocolate, dark chocolate=yummy. 

Going to get ready cause I guess that is important!

I got my fingers crossed...

   So it goes. I did the dot dot dot thing again in the title. Baha. That laugh is something I've mastered, the obnoxious laugh I mean. Today is graduation. Can you believe it? I surely cannot, nor do I really have an opinion on the matter. I haven't even graduated yet and already got mail to apply for a credit card and a student loan...depressing. Reality for grown-ups is tough, that's probably why they are always stressed and don't have as much fun or carefree attitudes as teenagers. I'm going to try my damnedest to not let myself get too uptight. Cause girls just wanna have fun ;)

Happy Fathers Day from 10 Things I Hate About You

Walter Stratford: You know fathers don't like to admit it when their daughters are capable of running their own lives. It means we've become spectators. Bianca still let's me play a few innings - you've had me on the bench for years. When you go to Sarah Lawrence, I won't even be able to watch the game.
Kat Stratford: *When* I go?
Walter Stratford: Oh, boy. Don't tell me you changed your mind. I already sent 'em a check.
[Kat gasps in surprise, then hugs her father]

I've found love...

     So I'm involved with two beauties. They are called Eat Pray Love and Girl, Interrupted. Oh wait, you thought I meant a boy? Nope. Obviously I meant books, cause they're my true loves and until someone can change that for me, that is how it will remain and I am overly fine with that fact. 

     I spent a good deal of my evening reading Girl, Interrupted as it just captured me in and wouldn't let me go! I started reading Eat Pray Love first, but realized that I should get through the hard stuff of my past so that I can truly be free to enjoy the experience of the book. What other way is greater than reading about all those mental disorders than reading them in a heartbreakingly witty book by Susana Kaysen? :) 

Alright, plan for today: go to church, walk, read some more, go see INGRID MICHAELSON perform. I'm so blessed to have that as part of my schedule for today. Thank God! 

Happiness is not just two kinds of ice cream, it's the whole combination of ice cream and cone. 

New Video blog post!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2THEQYMmjc

Take a look!