The Future. Tomorrow, maybe?

I wish to be invaded. I wish to be entwined with someone who knows me. All of me. The things that many others don't know about me, I wish for someone to know. I want someone to capture the wild parts and tame parts of myself alike. I want to be plumaged and left a mess. Then, I'd be sure I'm actually feeling and then I can put myself together again. I like that process.

I'm looking for companionship. No questions asked because they should already know the answers. No daunting small talk, let's skip that please. I'm looking for a friend who will be a lover, someone to be there to hold my hand and cuddle anytime we're both free too. Someone who will help ignite my passion and continue to fuel it so that my creativity never diminishes. Inspiration not suffocation. I'd like that an awful lot.

For myself, I'd love to not be so hard on myself. (Awkward wording?) I'd also love to be free to be me in every philosophical and literal meaning of that. I'd love to not be so lonely when in a crowded room. I'd just adore completeness with myself.
"I'm looking for something to fill the holes"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_t68m5k9J_U
"I will fill my own holes..."

Alright, now onto "Girl, Interrupted," homework, and sleep.

The Present. The Now.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being the cute and funny one, the best friend, the person who people look at from afar and admire. I want someone to break through the plastic bubble surrounding me and really GET me. Take hold of my heart, rather than the opposite way around. I'm tired of failing tries on my end. Especially now in this new place where I'm struggling to take hold of my own self.
...

I get butterflies in my tummy when I think of you, when I see you, when I sit next to you, when I speak to you.
The future Carolyn Thorn, I love you.

Just Thoughts on Past and Current Dislocation of Soul

Dislocation: Past.
I'm misplaced. Caught up in my ever insane mind, I can't get out or even find where exactly I am in here. There's no internet, no GPS, no maps, I'm left stranded with only my gut directional sense leading me deeper and deeper out of sight. My colorful clothes and shiny personality no longer have the means to keep me in the light, I'm falling into anonymity and the worst part is I'm okay with that. This isn't fair to those who claim they love me, I know, but certain things are harder to survive.

You don't love me anymore, but rather think of me with a bitter taste in your mouth, you told me this over a text message. Jealous that I have potential as you sit there burnt out. I'm breaking free yet getting further lost. At least this time I'll be sober, more than I can say about you. I don't pity you anymore and you don't admire me anymore, that's how come our connection is broken. Was that really love or were we both just using each other to try to feel something real in this pathetic existence. I did love you, but you were never in love with me. You're too selfish to share anything with anyone. I'm not bitter, however, I'm just finally fully aware at how my love has always gone unrequited. I want to be touched again. Not just physically but deeply touched. I want to smile using all of my heart. I don't want to search for this, however. I want someone to find me.

On my mind...

I want to know if you remember what you said to me in my dream as you took my heart and split it in two? You don't? Damn, it would have made a really great lyric and would've made us both infinitely connected in my mind. I guess that just wasn't meant to be.

Good thing dreams aren't reality, in this case, at least. All I want to do is crawl back in the sheets, avoid the world for a little while cause you crushed me with your words. The worst part was that I let you, in my subconscious of course.

I want to feel your skin on mine. Yours so soft and mine so gentle. Why were my two dreams last night so real? They've left me haunted.

Why do I always want the people that I can't have? More importantly, why are you such a good person? Torture. Pure torture.

Thoughts in Class

Why smile when you're not happy? Don't try to hide yourself from me, the one who knows you best. A venti sized coffee bursts through my veins as my mind is flooded with things on my to-do list. My attraction towards those around me pulls me in directions I never would have dared to go. My bladder now full with classes imminent end slowly flushing forward. Tick-tock-tick-tock, 20 minutes left. Way too long a time in a class where the teacher's political correctness of herself takes more effort than the actual material being taught. Her gum chewing has grown to be an annoyance I cannot notice, like when someone says "like" or "um" ALL of the time.
After all, it's not that her jokes are bad, it's just the awkward delivery that ruins it.

Buying Joy

I wish you could go into a store and tell a clerk what you really need like happiness, good health, love, companionship, fearlessness, endless smiles, and hugs whenever needed. I wish that after telling the clerk that, he or she wouldn't look puzzled at your request, but instead, without hesitation, hand you your bags, you pay, and everything in your life would be grand. I wish that was how life worked, however, my wishes are considered far fetched.

Sure, you can go into a store, buy fancy things that are either out of your price limit, or if you have no price limit-really "affordable," that will make you feel great for about 10-15 minutes. Then, reality slams you in the face and you are left alone with your Steve Madden boots, Gucci purses, or whatever the hell it is that you bought. True, undeniable contentment is not something that is easy as 1-2-3. It's hard work. Sometimes it is so hard that people search and search for shortcuts that will make their life seemingly better. For some people, finding the contented state will come easy. Especially those who seek shallow, picture "perfect" needs. But, for the rest of us fools, we will be working and striving towards true happiness for the whole of our natural born lives. Sure, we'll lose our way and stray from our dedicated path but, ultimately, we will find our way back to the things in life we really want--our true, natural needs.

Try that on for size.
Peace and positivity,
ct

Travel Back

So it goes.
It's my last night in my room at home before I embark in round two of the crazy adventure that is college and I am more than excited to return. Of course, I am reflecting on my life's past moments and future career while listening to some light, melodic lines made possible by Ingrid Michaelson.

I was just thinking how I never really want to be "just a singer." Like, if I was ever given the chance to be in a recording studio and record my own work, I'd want to be part of the WHOLE process rather than just the singing/performing. I'd want to play ukulele, help mix it, and help insure that the product is something that is true to the intention of the music. I'm more than just a pretty face that can be publicized and sold and I need to remember that. If I'm ever in a band, I wouldn't want to just be the lead singer, I'd wanna play an instrument, count off AND sing.

You may say that this sounds greedy, but what I believe it's all in my yearning to learn and grow and flourish and become the best in everything I can be. And that strong want, that is what I believe is greedy in my dream. But tell me, who's dream isn't greedy?

I guess what I'm trying to say is the one thing I need to keep in mind is that I can never box myself into one aspect whether it be singing, psychology, ukulele, writing, acting. If I only do one thing, well, that is not how I dreamed my dream. My dreams are more complex than any sentences can hold. And isn't that the beauty of it? The magical part of that is how my dream is not tangible whatsoever at this point in my life, but as I keep striving, I know I'll be able to feel it's warmth and bask in my personal glory. One day.

And then, maybe, I'll travel back to this moment now, in my mind, and smile a contented smile.

Peace and positivity,
ct

What love really means...

I gave up 5 days of my life to go on retreat at Capuchin Youth and Family Ministries to help with Habitat for Humanity. But it was so much more than escaping reality. It was incredible. Utterly incredible. Brought back my faith in humanity and renewed lots of friendships with people I hadn't seen in a while and met a whole bunch of great people.

I built cabinets/counters for this transitional housing apartments (3 in total) carried bunches of doors up three stories and helped to get lumber from a lumber yard/through away scrap metal. Lots of work and sweat but so worth it, knowing that one day a family will be living there.

~ct

The Sky is Falling!!!!!

Now that I've grabbed your attention, pay a close amount of it to what I'm about to explan.

Hypothetically, you're in a relationship. Where you ADORE, utterly adore and are in admiration of your partner, and the partner is only there because you are cute looking yet feel so strongly for them. Well, slowly, but surely, the great feeling the partner has, about being adored in such a strong way, will collapse and will in turn be replaced by first, confusion, and finally, suffocation. Both partners need to adore each other in such a way that you can bend a little before someone/something breaks.
Admiration=Suffocation?

Just thinking out loud, in blogger form.

~ct