Thoughts in Class

Why smile when you're not happy? Don't try to hide yourself from me, the one who knows you best. A venti sized coffee bursts through my veins as my mind is flooded with things on my to-do list. My attraction towards those around me pulls me in directions I never would have dared to go. My bladder now full with classes imminent end slowly flushing forward. Tick-tock-tick-tock, 20 minutes left. Way too long a time in a class where the teacher's political correctness of herself takes more effort than the actual material being taught. Her gum chewing has grown to be an annoyance I cannot notice, like when someone says "like" or "um" ALL of the time.
After all, it's not that her jokes are bad, it's just the awkward delivery that ruins it.

Travel Back

So it goes.
It's my last night in my room at home before I embark in round two of the crazy adventure that is college and I am more than excited to return. Of course, I am reflecting on my life's past moments and future career while listening to some light, melodic lines made possible by Ingrid Michaelson.

I was just thinking how I never really want to be "just a singer." Like, if I was ever given the chance to be in a recording studio and record my own work, I'd want to be part of the WHOLE process rather than just the singing/performing. I'd want to play ukulele, help mix it, and help insure that the product is something that is true to the intention of the music. I'm more than just a pretty face that can be publicized and sold and I need to remember that. If I'm ever in a band, I wouldn't want to just be the lead singer, I'd wanna play an instrument, count off AND sing.

You may say that this sounds greedy, but what I believe it's all in my yearning to learn and grow and flourish and become the best in everything I can be. And that strong want, that is what I believe is greedy in my dream. But tell me, who's dream isn't greedy?

I guess what I'm trying to say is the one thing I need to keep in mind is that I can never box myself into one aspect whether it be singing, psychology, ukulele, writing, acting. If I only do one thing, well, that is not how I dreamed my dream. My dreams are more complex than any sentences can hold. And isn't that the beauty of it? The magical part of that is how my dream is not tangible whatsoever at this point in my life, but as I keep striving, I know I'll be able to feel it's warmth and bask in my personal glory. One day.

And then, maybe, I'll travel back to this moment now, in my mind, and smile a contented smile.

Peace and positivity,
ct

Was blind but now I see....

Or I was just really lazy and am now semi productive. It's been one of those days. The days where you're so out of it and so busy that you just have to take time for yourself and friends otherwise you'll go insane. Speaking of insane... Just kidding, I'm in the sanity today.Also, considering I like FAILED at continuing my project for my blog, I shall complete 4 days' topics in one entry. On your mark, get set, read:

Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
I wish I didn't fall for people who are totally not within my "price range" if you will. Also, I wish I wasn't so self concious about my height and overall size. I'm beautiful and need to own it. Ha.

Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
http://www.ushistory.org/lovepark/

Day 06- Favorite super hero/fictional character and why
Favorite fictional character is Susanna Kaysen from Girl, Interrupted. Note how these lines are pretty much the best thing ever: Valerie: What would you have said to her?
Susanna: I don't know. That I was sorry. That I will never know what it was like to be her. But I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. You hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.
Valerie: Susanna, it's all well and good to tell me all this; but you gotta tell some of this to your doctors.
Susanna: How the hell am I supposed to recover when I don't even understand my disease?
Valerie: But you do understand it. You spoke very clearly about it a second ago. But I think what you've gotta do is put it down. Put it away. Put it in your notebook, but get it out of yourself. Away so you can't curl up with it anymore.
Susanna: Lisa thinks it's a gift. That it lets you see the truth.
Valerie: Lisa's been here for 8 years.
Susanna: [crying] I'm so sorry. I was a bitch. I was a bitch.
Valerie: Don't drop anchor here, you understand?
Susanna: [narrating] When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream. But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous. Maybe, there's a moment growing up when something peels back... Maybe, maybe, we look for secrets because we can't believe our minds...
[overlapping words]
Susanna: All I know is that I began to feel things again. Whatever I was, I knew there was only one way back to the world and that was to use the place to talk. So I saw the great and wonderful Dr. Wick three times a week and I let her hear every thought in my head.

and
Susanna: Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is... Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. They were not perfect, but they were my friends and by the '70s most of them were out living lives. Some I've seen, some never again, but there isn't a day my heart doesn't find them.

Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
http://www.ingridmichaelson.com/music/lyrics/

Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why

Short term goals: Be happier in life as we know it. Be present.

Pack pack PACKING

So, no one warns you just how much packing for college is. They give a hint but not the full picture. Well, it's a lot of work. GROWL. haha

Listening to a homemade playlist, wishing I was famous so I could be Katy Perry's bestest friend and packing... good plan for the next two days cause on wednesday I'll be trekking to Philly. 

Peace and love. 

Oh, and I survived pneumonia. 

Summer's over and it's raining. How happy!

Wisdom from My Father

I'm cleaning my room for college, getting rid of things I don't need and putting the memories away into boxes. Sorting the stuff I will take with me from the things I'll leave behind. 

On opening a wooden box that I filled with mementos of my father's I found in his wallet a note or a list of things that could not be more fitting for this occasion of preparation to spread my wings and fly. (corny alert) 

His note:

1. Be an individual

2. Talk- to me or someone

3. Don't worry about others

4. Live for yourself

5. Don't think-Do!

My Room- A Poem I wrote Freshman Year.

My room, 

My desert place where no one can reach me

The place to dream and live freely

To show my true colors and not be afraid.

In my room, 

There is a window of opportunity

The chance to soar high above others-

And Not be overshadowed by others' achievements. 

My room, 

The space where I can be hidden-

In a transcendent lime green, 

From all the sorrow and cloudy days, 

From all my fears and from reality.

My room, 

The spot where I am most happy, 

The place that gives me courage-

To someday leave my room. 

Smells like Summer.

Tonight, it smells like summer. Thought I'd aware my readers, if there are any :p

In six days, I will have 0 classes of high school left. In 19 days, I will be a graduate. In 21, days I will have a party. 

Okay, done with that sentence pattern, oh how I do not miss the dronings of eleventh grade English AP Language. I do, however, miss the structure of Searle. My teacher now is a great philosopher with awesome ideas and a passion for teaching and public speaking, but he has no structure. So, that makes me have to create the structure for myself, which usually doesn't end so well, as only the extreme makes an impression. We learned that through the movie, Heathers. 

Oh boy, I'm not sleepy at all but know that I'll regret staying up late when I wake tomorrow morning. To sleep or not to sleep; that is the question. 

Seven Seas of Rhye

April Fool's. I haven't partaken in any jokes today, but alas, the day is far from over. Ever woken up one morning and felt the need to do something completely different from your normal routine? Well, for me, this morning was one of those mornings. A day of ALL days. Okay, enough with the cliches. One is one too many. (Now two.) Damn. 

"Heal over," sings KT Tunstall, "You're gunna be fine," as I get dressed and prepped for this day of MORE scholarship applications and cleaning. ZOUNDS. (Yes, I am bringing zounds back, just like sexy.) Now that I know where I'm going to college, how I might be able to pay for it, and what I want to study, my mind feels completely at ease. No more stress of worrying about acceptances as I only have 2 schools left to hear from, but even if I don't get in, that is alright since I am going to my dream school in my favorite place-Philly. So, perhaps next time I visit there I should try a Philly Cheese Steak :p even though I refuse to eat red meat on a normal basis, sometimes it's okay to splurge and try something new :p

Recently, there has been this craze of formspring and yes I do have one. It intrigues me. People ask completely random and sometimes inappropriate questions that they would never ask in real life because it is anonymous. Interesting. Man up and ask a person in real life. Honesty is something I really admire in a person so the ability to ask something that you really are wondering while letting your true identity be known is very commendable in my book. This, however, does not mean I want you to stop asking me questions, people. Cause I like answering them. Just please, include your name so I know who is asking me something, whether inappropriate or rude or funny. Alright, maybe I'll blog something later with more substance, maybe not. I'm a mystery, see? Even to myself.  

Quotes of the day: "It's not what you are, it's what you don't become that hurts." ~Oscar Levant

  "Truth is more of a stranger than fiction." ~Mark Twain

Insert Jaws Theme Song

As of now, it is a MONDAY morning at 6:14 AM which is really 5:14 am because of the "spring ahead." It is not even spring yet! I don't feel any awesome windy/warm weather, all I notice is the rain and the humidity and the cold and that I'M TIRED AND WANT MY HOUR OF SLEEP BACK! Doesn't the humanity know that when they take an hour away from over productive individuals, they're going to take it from their already small amount of sleep? Oh the HUMANITY, of Mondays! (End rant.)

I'm excited for the mail today. And tomorrow's mail. And the day after that's mail...etc. "Why, Carolyn?" You may inquire. Well, because of what may be in the mail. College decisions and any other mail addressed to "Ms. Carolyn R Thorn" have the power to make me jump up and down. So, for my next birthday, aka next year, if you want me to have a happy one...send me mail. At college ;) or my house because I'm sure my momma will forward it to me. :)

I feel quite selfish/whiny today so if I keep to myself today, I'm most likely just trying to restrain myself from complaining. Complaints, if not significant, annoy me and most likely annoy 89% of people. (I just made that statistic up because it sounded like a good, hearty number.) 

BE prepared viewers, for I will be participating in the "Everybody" contest for Ingrid Michaelson soon. Currently working on my cover of it through the lovely gift of music theory. 

It's just another Manic Monday. Enjoy and thatahthat's alll folks! 

Sometimes when you dream, your dreams come true

I didn't have to wait long. No, not long at all. 

I have officially been accepted into the Boyer College of Music at Temple University :D! 

My dreams are coming true. That sounds cliche, but it is the kind of cliche I can deal with as there truly are no other words to describe my ecstatic excitement!!!!!!!! (see, notice the obnoxious exclamation points! haha) Love and peace!

Tick tock tick tock...the scourge of waiting.

     I've never been one to just sit around, waiting for things to happen to me, so with this long, grueling process of college acceptances or denials (haven't received any yet THANK GOODNESS), and the only thing that can be done is wait, I believe I am going insane...Or something close to it. Reading Sylvia Plath's poems and letters home to her family isn't really boosting my moral, but it is SOMETHING that can be done. Another thing I have busied myself with is the next journey ahead of scholarships. Asking for money, or anything for that matter, is not something I am at all good at, so this task--making myself seem worthy/needy enough for the scholarships--has been not only daunting but disturbing my usual patterns of giving more than I receive.  That's why I believe merit scholarships are a beautiful thing. I didn't even need to apply for them but there they come! :D

     I must make a mental note to create a scholarship for teenagers headed for college when I can provide the means to do so when I'm an adult. I feel that people who create scholarships are very generous, compassionate people. 

I've been writing A LOT recently, maybe not on here, but in my journal filled with new quotes and thoughts from my day to day experiences. Writing is a skill that can only be improved as one gets older. Also, poetry is an aquired taste. I used to love poetry, then became immersed with novels and stories, but am now slowly levitating and delving back into the land of poetry. Poets are the most unusual, intelligent beings--only they know how to craft words so eloquently together. 

I'm excited to see what happens next in my life. 

Wow.

First off, HAPPY FIRST DAY OF THE 25 Days of Christmas! 

I'm not sure if anyone reads my blog, but a friend told me she was so HELLO Soulmate. :) 

I have started a holiday project to get my mindset into the "season," in which I will take a photo a day of hot chocolate (drinking it as well, of course) until the actual holiday. If you want to follow my project, friend me on facebook and look at my album entitled, "26 Days of Christmas" and yes that is not a typo of the number since I started yesterday. On Christmas I will create a surprise for the big day. Sounds juvenile? Well, yes, but I believe that's where all the fun comes from. 

PS. I'm just going to point out that my blogging intention is a way to express myself. So, that's my disclosure if you will. :p

On towards today's agenda/topic: College Essay Numero Dos 

Dun, dun, DUNNN! 

It's scary, I know. There isn't any real reason for this to be any more challenging for me, but I believe I have a mental brick wall that is limiting my creativity in that essay. And boy do I need creativity. Another prospective reason as to why I'm so afeard of the ___Essay Question is because ___ is my first choice school. I just fell in love with it the moment I heard of it, knowing that's where I want to be. Plus, visiting was an amazing experience. So, how do I express this feeling or desperation without stating it?! (I'm not naming it because if I don't get in or end up there I might seem a little silly, so we'll leave this open ended.)

Any thoughts on what I could write about for personal achievements after college?

All for now. :)

All You Need is Love/ All I want for Christmas

An AP Music Theory project led me to this song, again. As it is a favorite of mine, but now I can't possibly get it out of my head. 

I haven't substantially blogged in a pretty decent amount of time so I suppose it's time to get this ball rolling again. Hope you all had a fantastic Thanksgiving. And now for a checklist update on my minor accomplishments so far:

College Applications Complete: Check

Cleaned room: Check

College Essay: Check

Supplements: Two and a half left! :)

English 3 week Essay: not so check. 

Gym Training: CHECK! 

Reading oodles of books everyday: CHECKKKKK. 

Lots of accomplishments: Priceless. 

No matter how minor they may seem, they sure mean a lot to me as all were stresses on my daily life. Proscenium seems to be the major stressor now, but that's not something I can change slightly without it becoming a major issue. I'm at a place in my life where I am OK. Finally. 

Body image, update: I'm slender and slim, not skinny, and I am OKAY with that. I need to stop trying to be something I'm not, and this goes for everyone I believe. Be comfortable in your own skin, stand tall (haha), strong, and confident. 

Now for another update or new news I should say. 

All I want for Christmas is Cash or checks made out to Carolyn Thorn. I am donating all my Christmas money to Invisible Children. If you Must get me a present then please go to the Invisible Children's website and but something like a bracelet for me. The profit still goes to the cause I'm supporting this holiday season. I have received so many beautiful presents over the years and now I want to give back, I do not need anything besides acceptance letters (keep fingers crossed) and tuition money and You dear friends and family cannot provide this for me as much as you would love to. And I really appreciate your efforts to. But let's be reasonable and compassionate this Holiday Season and help me donate all my money over Christmas to Invisible Children. Peace is the most important gift on Earth. Amen.