Just Thoughts on Past and Current Dislocation of Soul

Dislocation: Past.
I'm misplaced. Caught up in my ever insane mind, I can't get out or even find where exactly I am in here. There's no internet, no GPS, no maps, I'm left stranded with only my gut directional sense leading me deeper and deeper out of sight. My colorful clothes and shiny personality no longer have the means to keep me in the light, I'm falling into anonymity and the worst part is I'm okay with that. This isn't fair to those who claim they love me, I know, but certain things are harder to survive.

You don't love me anymore, but rather think of me with a bitter taste in your mouth, you told me this over a text message. Jealous that I have potential as you sit there burnt out. I'm breaking free yet getting further lost. At least this time I'll be sober, more than I can say about you. I don't pity you anymore and you don't admire me anymore, that's how come our connection is broken. Was that really love or were we both just using each other to try to feel something real in this pathetic existence. I did love you, but you were never in love with me. You're too selfish to share anything with anyone. I'm not bitter, however, I'm just finally fully aware at how my love has always gone unrequited. I want to be touched again. Not just physically but deeply touched. I want to smile using all of my heart. I don't want to search for this, however. I want someone to find me.

Sometimes...The things one realizes after 8 days of Precious Moments

    Sometimes my lungs can't handle the air i'm breathing. I get pulled in a world of fantasy stuck in my head of stories. Sometimes I pay more attention to blinking and my heart thumping than my own thoughts. Sometimes I find love in the most inconvenient of times. Sometimes I realize things aren't meant to be. Sometimes I realize they are. That's what this week has shown me. 

     It's crazy to know how tired I get off of 5 hours of sleep a night. Encouraging, sharing, loving, sighing, being...how should I feel here? I'm in the middle, not stuck but merely floating, wading and lightly lapping the water to push towards the surface. Dangerously close to the edge of the bridge with one foot planted on solid ground. People think I'm fine now. But, I know they're wrong. I'm not okay, but I devote each day aiming to to be so one day. As long as I keep trying and holding on I'm sure some sort of positive change will come as my karma level musy be at an incredibly high and positive level. Oh well. 

Don't know what to think about this experience of CAM. I've gained close friends but lost who I thought I was and have become more confused about who I am. That's scary to me because if I can't figure out how can I understand anything else? Like 2 plus 2. Shouldn't equal four? Who knows...?

    I'm not as talented as many, prettier, skinner, funnier, nicer, more honest, or open, but I am me. That's all one can strive to be right? 

My Room- A Poem I wrote Freshman Year.

My room, 

My desert place where no one can reach me

The place to dream and live freely

To show my true colors and not be afraid.

In my room, 

There is a window of opportunity

The chance to soar high above others-

And Not be overshadowed by others' achievements. 

My room, 

The space where I can be hidden-

In a transcendent lime green, 

From all the sorrow and cloudy days, 

From all my fears and from reality.

My room, 

The spot where I am most happy, 

The place that gives me courage-

To someday leave my room. 

Die alone..

Oh Ingrid Michaelson, seriously, stealing the words from my mouth. Not that that is a bad thing, in fact it's good cause now I know I'm not the only one in the world having these thoughts/feelings. 

     I've decided I want to discover one new song everyday. And I still desperately need a way to make some dough, and not the literal kind cause I've eaten enough this week. haha. Alright, so someone need a PA? (Personal Assistant-for you unhip hipsters). Oh boy, stay away from me, I'm a bit insane at the moment since I just took my LAST test for my high school career. It was a beastly test, and included physics, or rather was about physics. Damn. "I am a lady in spain, I'll sing a haunting refrain," Ingrid! Oh man!

      Let's seeee, plans for the day besides doing some ME time? Meditating, eating lunch, fixing my hair, teach myself the guitar, come up with a melody, going to CYFM- all in a day's work of the life of Carolyn Thorn. It sure is an intriguing one, even to myself. 

      Oh, and for those of you that remember me discussing my scrapbook of my life for my English final project: I got a 100. Yes, that is full credit for my 3 weeks full of work. :) Happiness is a fantastic emotion, the culmination of numerous events making for one heck of a smile. And a true smile in fact. 

New Video blog post!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2THEQYMmjc

Take a look!

Poker Faces, Phones, People, Pasts

   Alright, here I am. I don't recognize this place but I definitely have a sense that I've been here before. Now, I'm standing in a hallway filled with doors. All are locked but I have the keys, and I can only open one. Hands clenching, I ponder, why only one door? Why not two, three, or four? Do I choose the one closest to me or the one furthest away? The one who's door has all the answers or the one who's path will lead me to the answers.

   Alright, here I am. I wonder if you ever think of me; you probably do. But your poker face masks your feelings-oh so well. I still think of you, sadly. But not with anger or pride, but instead with a nostalgic pull at those memories. 

           Alright, enough of that sap. The tree has more to offer like leaves, twigs, and shade. Oh, it's also beautiful. Did I fail to mention its beauty? How rude of me, the tree is very vain so I suppose I'll mention it has the key to my heart. 

    Alright, I know I'm not making sense. I make sense to me though, and I guess that's all that matters. Poor Eleanor Rigby, such lonely people. You're not outdated, or forgotten. You're just under-appreciated. I appreciate you though. Thanks for your existence!  Kudos on just plummeting through the vast sea, like an otter or penguin, delving fast and far into the unknown. You would do that. I envy you for that. I couldn't even open a damn door. 

A Day's Meaning

     What is a day but a moment in time. A specific moment in time that in less than 23 hours will be gone and now is remembered as just a memory. For us, days can seem like they will never end, but they do, just as the sun sets and rises each day. For that fact I am certain. The universe, however, sees each day as a split second. It'll keep going on, while for us it might always be vivid in our memory. I'm sure we've all had one of those magnificent days that we relive in our minds over and over for fear of forgetting or worse, never having such a day again. 

     I can't remember which day of the week, what time of the day, or what exact year it was, but I have had one of those days-the kind I will always cherish. What's most important, to me anyway, is the people I was with that day and the feelings I experienced. I will always remember those details as I am right brain dominant. Everyone is different though and I do not claim to be like anyone else. Actually, I am quite unique. Weird, even. But that is fine by me. For as cliche as this is, I'd rather die an original then a copy. 

    Reading The Glass Menagerie and The Tent, both books proving how thoughtful writers are. Maybe I have that capability to present my philosophies and values in a fictional piece of work...I sure am trying to. I really need to FINISH at least one novel or short story. I can always start things but the follow up is more difficult. Oh well. 

    Also, I love 80's teen movies. :) 

   Enjoy the sun!

Now.

I think that now, right now, is the most perfect time to be alive. Why? you may ask. 

Well, I'll tell you why. Cause at this moment I have a heart full of love, an intelligent head resting on my strong shoulders with dreams spanning farther than the stars, racing through my mind. I miss Proscenium already.