A reminder of why I'm a musician:

Today, I played The Way I Am on ukulele in Music Therapy Experiences class despite being sick. The assignment was to bring a song of significant value to you and of course I had to choose an Ingrid Michaelson song, to choose anything else would not have done justice to my musical tastes. Anyway, we each had to play our chosen song as a solo, and then as a group we would play it again, this time with the rest of the class on different instruments backing us (the soloist) up.

Side note: I never usually get nervous when performing. Sometimes, I try my best to be humble and give others a shot at the spotlight ,hence my hesitancy to perform alone at times. I’d never want to make anyone uncomfortable because of my talent.

But today, something was different: I was nervous. Maybe it was because I am sick or maybe it’s on account of I hadn’t practiced this song before class but, something made me nervous to play this. Then I realized, it’s because the words…I used to take the song as a promise to a lover or as a promise to a friend but what I was really using it for, today at least, was a promise to myself. I will take myself “the way I am.” And that’s simply all I can do. I’m done trying to explain myself in terms of my sexuality because I’m so much more than that. I don’t have to figure that out right now because I’ll continuously grow and learn about myself along the way. I’m a person with so many feelings other than lust and shallow needs/wants. I have hopes and dreams and plans.

When it came time to have everyone back me up, let’s just say that it was magical. I don’t think I’ve ever heard such a beautiful version of this song when the people were harmonizing with me as they listened. Someone played piano, someone sang harmony, someone played a clarinet, others percussion…My classmates may not know me well but they truly listened to what I was doing and made it into something even more beautiful. Which as silly and poetic as it sounds, demonstrated to me how I must not only rely on myself but let other people love me “The way I am” to make me shine and become more lovely with the help of those around me. Or I could totally be overanalyzing this. Either way:

“Music is what feelings sound like.”

Now, I'm getting ready to do the opening number for a dear friend's senior voice recital. Not only do I feel honored that she asked me to perform a silly ukulele song at such an important beginning of her classical career, but I feel blessed to have her--this incredibly talented, beautiful, kind, and gentle young woman--as a friend, mentor, and someone I know will be in my life for a long time.
"I've never known a musician who regretted being one. Whatever deceptions life may have in store for you, music itself is not going to let you down." ~Virgil Thomson

Thinking of you (with total sincerity)

You eat at me like the mumbled words you say in passing. Is that fear I smell or have I just completely gone insane?

Your smile cuts my heart in half; one fourth laid on the table to be consumed by passing worms and flies, another taken with you like the wind—gone.

Gone, you’re gone. I remain. Not the “I” that you know so well, but the “I” that took those pieces back and stitched them like a patch on a backpack and made something that’s seams are so flawless yet especially defined.

Enjoy thinking of me. I certainly don’t when I think of you.

Spring Break Salt Grains

I feel like I needed this week in my hometown, to remove myself from situations, put myself into others, and truly assess my life. I've done a lot of thinking and know what I need to do now to keep myself sane and happy. Happiness is key. I know how to get out of this rut I've been in and remember the ways that jump-start me and remind me of myself, my goals, and the kinds of energy I want to surround myself with.

I've also taken this time to realize that I no longer see gender in normal terms. I can't imagine myself with someone of either sex. I just imagine myself with this caring, loving person, capable of so many things and for striving for personal achievement. And this, this is beautiful to me.

Things I must renew: my self worth, my body.

Tomorrow, I return to home for the second half of this hellish semester. Wish me luck.

Giant

The things we think set us apart only bring us together.
Eating disorders, bad break ups, homosexuality, lack of motivation, ignorance, unrequited love, apathy, self pity.
Misery adores company. It's even in it's slogan.
But once we go beyond that magnetism, we find that the core uniqueness of ourselves lies in something that no one can ever define. Something unpredictable. Unplanned, if you will.
What sustains us, what motivates us, what angers us, what pleases us, all are just little fragments of the giant that we each title
Myself.

Just Thoughts on Past and Current Dislocation of Soul

Dislocation: Past.
I'm misplaced. Caught up in my ever insane mind, I can't get out or even find where exactly I am in here. There's no internet, no GPS, no maps, I'm left stranded with only my gut directional sense leading me deeper and deeper out of sight. My colorful clothes and shiny personality no longer have the means to keep me in the light, I'm falling into anonymity and the worst part is I'm okay with that. This isn't fair to those who claim they love me, I know, but certain things are harder to survive.

You don't love me anymore, but rather think of me with a bitter taste in your mouth, you told me this over a text message. Jealous that I have potential as you sit there burnt out. I'm breaking free yet getting further lost. At least this time I'll be sober, more than I can say about you. I don't pity you anymore and you don't admire me anymore, that's how come our connection is broken. Was that really love or were we both just using each other to try to feel something real in this pathetic existence. I did love you, but you were never in love with me. You're too selfish to share anything with anyone. I'm not bitter, however, I'm just finally fully aware at how my love has always gone unrequited. I want to be touched again. Not just physically but deeply touched. I want to smile using all of my heart. I don't want to search for this, however. I want someone to find me.

Thoughts in Class

Why smile when you're not happy? Don't try to hide yourself from me, the one who knows you best. A venti sized coffee bursts through my veins as my mind is flooded with things on my to-do list. My attraction towards those around me pulls me in directions I never would have dared to go. My bladder now full with classes imminent end slowly flushing forward. Tick-tock-tick-tock, 20 minutes left. Way too long a time in a class where the teacher's political correctness of herself takes more effort than the actual material being taught. Her gum chewing has grown to be an annoyance I cannot notice, like when someone says "like" or "um" ALL of the time.
After all, it's not that her jokes are bad, it's just the awkward delivery that ruins it.

Buying Joy

I wish you could go into a store and tell a clerk what you really need like happiness, good health, love, companionship, fearlessness, endless smiles, and hugs whenever needed. I wish that after telling the clerk that, he or she wouldn't look puzzled at your request, but instead, without hesitation, hand you your bags, you pay, and everything in your life would be grand. I wish that was how life worked, however, my wishes are considered far fetched.

Sure, you can go into a store, buy fancy things that are either out of your price limit, or if you have no price limit-really "affordable," that will make you feel great for about 10-15 minutes. Then, reality slams you in the face and you are left alone with your Steve Madden boots, Gucci purses, or whatever the hell it is that you bought. True, undeniable contentment is not something that is easy as 1-2-3. It's hard work. Sometimes it is so hard that people search and search for shortcuts that will make their life seemingly better. For some people, finding the contented state will come easy. Especially those who seek shallow, picture "perfect" needs. But, for the rest of us fools, we will be working and striving towards true happiness for the whole of our natural born lives. Sure, we'll lose our way and stray from our dedicated path but, ultimately, we will find our way back to the things in life we really want--our true, natural needs.

Try that on for size.
Peace and positivity,
ct

Travel Back

So it goes.
It's my last night in my room at home before I embark in round two of the crazy adventure that is college and I am more than excited to return. Of course, I am reflecting on my life's past moments and future career while listening to some light, melodic lines made possible by Ingrid Michaelson.

I was just thinking how I never really want to be "just a singer." Like, if I was ever given the chance to be in a recording studio and record my own work, I'd want to be part of the WHOLE process rather than just the singing/performing. I'd want to play ukulele, help mix it, and help insure that the product is something that is true to the intention of the music. I'm more than just a pretty face that can be publicized and sold and I need to remember that. If I'm ever in a band, I wouldn't want to just be the lead singer, I'd wanna play an instrument, count off AND sing.

You may say that this sounds greedy, but what I believe it's all in my yearning to learn and grow and flourish and become the best in everything I can be. And that strong want, that is what I believe is greedy in my dream. But tell me, who's dream isn't greedy?

I guess what I'm trying to say is the one thing I need to keep in mind is that I can never box myself into one aspect whether it be singing, psychology, ukulele, writing, acting. If I only do one thing, well, that is not how I dreamed my dream. My dreams are more complex than any sentences can hold. And isn't that the beauty of it? The magical part of that is how my dream is not tangible whatsoever at this point in my life, but as I keep striving, I know I'll be able to feel it's warmth and bask in my personal glory. One day.

And then, maybe, I'll travel back to this moment now, in my mind, and smile a contented smile.

Peace and positivity,
ct

The Sky is Falling!!!!!

Now that I've grabbed your attention, pay a close amount of it to what I'm about to explan.

Hypothetically, you're in a relationship. Where you ADORE, utterly adore and are in admiration of your partner, and the partner is only there because you are cute looking yet feel so strongly for them. Well, slowly, but surely, the great feeling the partner has, about being adored in such a strong way, will collapse and will in turn be replaced by first, confusion, and finally, suffocation. Both partners need to adore each other in such a way that you can bend a little before someone/something breaks.
Admiration=Suffocation?

Just thinking out loud, in blogger form.

~ct

Lessons&Resolutions (just your stereotypical new years' eve)

Not to be sentimental at all but here are a few of the many things that I've learned this year:

Letting Go is oh so important.

Lies spread like wildfire.

I don't have a gnome down under, if you know what I mean. ;)

Graduating high school doesn't give you entitlement, it just makes you more confused.

I love The L Word and Freaks and Geeks.

If they mess with you, give em hell. Or you could forgive and forget. Either is an option pending on how much sleep you have.

Tomorrow doesn't know what's coming.

I have met the greatest people EVER in college.

I love singing more than anything else.

Confidence makes you SEXY.

Red lipstick/makeup also helps as a confidence booster.

Be nice to the earth.

Karma is like that bitchy best friend who will always come to you at the most inconvenient times.

Chipped, blue nailpolish has been on my fingertips all year.

Playing the Ukulele, I feel most connected to the world. It's the realest feeling, I've had.

Most important thing I've learned: Carpe Diem.

And now for resolutions:
Same old, same old.
And: Be free to be ME . The me I want to be.
Sing a new song-Each day. If you can't sing it, cause you can't find it in existance already; write it.
Learn to bend a little or you will break.
Don't search for love, let it find you.

Rant on Children's Movies Started By a Midnight Snack

Whenever I eat a Gingerbread man, I think back to that scene in Shrek where the poor cookie is under questioning by the creepy, short king who threatens to take his gum drop button. I mean, who does that? That’s so cruel and heartless. Scenes in movies like that make me feel uncomfortable. And I don’t even have children yet. What if one day, I’m in my living room with my spouse and see sexual innuendos galore in a children’s movie. Cause we all know that these movies have them. Grease, anyone?! Do we laugh in front of the child? Or shake our heads disapprovingly? Or ignore it completely? God only knows what I’ll do when the child becomes a teenager and realizes that those are indeed sexual innuendos and that we, as parents, were misinforming them. Will that turn their childhood upside down and lead them into greater resentment of the people who brought them into this world? Cough cough myself and one other? Or will they think me dull and not smart enough to have caught the joke? Well, we all know me and my pride so the latter will not occur. Oh, I can see the therapy costs already.

I also love how I can see how this whole thing is inevitable in my child-raising future. I mean, how do I skirt away from this situation? Not let them watch Disney classics or TV in general? I couldn't do that even if I bled to death in an attempt for it. TV is everywhere. SEX is everywhere. So, let's just face the facts head on and start Sex-Ed in kindergarten...That way there will be no lies. And only truth. But is the truth to much for some to handle?

Gah, so many questions and thoughts brought upon by my munchies.

Home equals Christmas

I know I'm home during Christmas when there are cookies everywhere. We never have cookies here and yet they surround me, choke me even. Which is also totally fine by me, especially with all the Christmas books, tree, lights, and other holiday goodies as a constant reminder for my family's reason for the season. I also think that seeing little socks made for two year olds are the cutest things ever.
It's weird to be home and not be expected to go to class. Or to be expected to get things done.
It's weird when I realize that I've been away for four months and come back and almost nothing yet everything has changed. Weird right?
Makes one think about things more closely.
Alright, now I'ma get ready to go and see Black Swan.
To Do for tomorrow:
Make list for Christmas.
Shop.
Visit friends.
Repeat...

Kill them with kindness...

Day 03289759279- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
I'm proud that I've been able to be open to change and accept in all my unique traits and even new interests that I never wanted to admit we're there but have always been there. What is it? Something for me to know and get used to and for you to be patient and in due time will find out. I'm also proud that I've been hanging out with friends rather than on my lonesome.

Currently, I'm in the tech center, procrastinating and watching the couple next to me play footsie as I write this. Do you know what I love? Holding hands. Anyone's hand, it doesn't matter who, and can totally be platonic but just the warmth of another makes me heart smile.

This week's goal before turkey day is to kill em with kindness. Take that anyway you want, I care only for my own definition of the mantra, phrase if you will. Alright, folks, this thorny girl has got to learn how to play some Bb, Eb, and Ab scales on piano with the diatonic triads. Yeehaw!!

Was blind but now I see....

Or I was just really lazy and am now semi productive. It's been one of those days. The days where you're so out of it and so busy that you just have to take time for yourself and friends otherwise you'll go insane. Speaking of insane... Just kidding, I'm in the sanity today.Also, considering I like FAILED at continuing my project for my blog, I shall complete 4 days' topics in one entry. On your mark, get set, read:

Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
I wish I didn't fall for people who are totally not within my "price range" if you will. Also, I wish I wasn't so self concious about my height and overall size. I'm beautiful and need to own it. Ha.

Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
http://www.ushistory.org/lovepark/

Day 06- Favorite super hero/fictional character and why
Favorite fictional character is Susanna Kaysen from Girl, Interrupted. Note how these lines are pretty much the best thing ever: Valerie: What would you have said to her?
Susanna: I don't know. That I was sorry. That I will never know what it was like to be her. But I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. You hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.
Valerie: Susanna, it's all well and good to tell me all this; but you gotta tell some of this to your doctors.
Susanna: How the hell am I supposed to recover when I don't even understand my disease?
Valerie: But you do understand it. You spoke very clearly about it a second ago. But I think what you've gotta do is put it down. Put it away. Put it in your notebook, but get it out of yourself. Away so you can't curl up with it anymore.
Susanna: Lisa thinks it's a gift. That it lets you see the truth.
Valerie: Lisa's been here for 8 years.
Susanna: [crying] I'm so sorry. I was a bitch. I was a bitch.
Valerie: Don't drop anchor here, you understand?
Susanna: [narrating] When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream. But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous. Maybe, there's a moment growing up when something peels back... Maybe, maybe, we look for secrets because we can't believe our minds...
[overlapping words]
Susanna: All I know is that I began to feel things again. Whatever I was, I knew there was only one way back to the world and that was to use the place to talk. So I saw the great and wonderful Dr. Wick three times a week and I let her hear every thought in my head.

and
Susanna: Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is... Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. They were not perfect, but they were my friends and by the '70s most of them were out living lives. Some I've seen, some never again, but there isn't a day my heart doesn't find them.

Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
http://www.ingridmichaelson.com/music/lyrics/

Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why

Short term goals: Be happier in life as we know it. Be present.

Firework

This is Katy Perry's new video that has made me feel so proud to be a survivor. <3

Peace and happiness this Halloween weekend. <3


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGJuMBdaqIw

Day 3-With Minor Complications

WELL. Since blogger is being a bum and not letting me upload my pics, I'm a little sad. But, I can skip to the next task :D And invite you all to check out my facebook for recent pictures if you're dying for them

Task for day four should be the habits I hate of myself, but you get them a day early. Such excitement.

I wish I didn't have the habits of flipping my hair, biting my nails, touching my face or arms or body part nervously/subconsciously, and how I pull away from people after a certain amount of time, either resulting from boredom or just overall fear of rejection. I also am not a fan of how much I procrastinate when I really plain ahead to prevent the night-before-it's-due rush! One day...I will conquer you. One day..

Til the sun shines.

Carolyn

Day 2-Blog name meaning

My blog name means what it says. "To change the world one step at a time." Well, that's my motto for life. Make each action I take as something that will impact the world in a positive manner. I wish that everyone would try to make the world a better place, so that every one can be happy and that we can rid the world of hate once and for all. Seriously. Maybe suicides, murder, and other heinous crimes wouldn't have a chance to exist or happen.

My alias online, musicallyfit848, is a representation of two of my favorite things. Music and being fit and leading a healthy lifestyle. It's been difficult to lead a healthy lifestyle in college since I have no time for anything but music, but I plan on getting fit again by small steps towards success. 848- is just my favorite number. For no particular reason really, I just like 848 cause I love 8's and 4's. :)

On another note: I think for awhile I was losing my self-worth in college. Being surrounded by so many other talented and amazing people 24/7, I find myself silently screaming in their shadow. This might all just be in my head but, just how I feel. This is also why I've been blogging again. Writing affirms my beliefs and solidifies my thoughts, hopes, and dreams on myself, on humanity, on society, on EVERY thing.

30 days-Recent Picture and 15 facts on Me

Recently, I've made many connections to people via the internet and more specifically twitter. One lovely individual started her own blog and was doing this thing for 30 days and even though I honestly have no time to do this during the week days, I'll do it as often as I can. It'll be a mini challenge if you will.

Fifteen random facts on me:

1. When I'm reading, I'm entranced. It's like I'm drunk of the book and into a different reality so once I put the book back down, and can't focus on the true reality ahead of me, I'm stuck in the book. A girl could lose herself that way.

2. I think girls who wear red lipstick and heals have the most self-confidence. They dare to express themselves in ways that many are too timid to attempt.

3. Last night, I danced with a stranger, I will never know his name and this is pretty insane to think about.

4. I've begun to appreciate Twitter more than Facebook cause you can communicate with famous people like cough cough, Ingrid Michaelson, cough cough via tweeting. Plus I like how that sounds. And no one yells at you for updating your status *too* often.

5. I find Halloween more fun than Christmas. The anticipation for Christmas is always amazing but the actual day is colorless compared to a night of getting free candy from strangers in a socially acceptable manner, while you're dressed like someone completely different from you.

6. Handwritten letters mean more to me than an email or even an expensive present.

7. I go out even when I really don't want to because I don't want to miss one experience of life in college.

8. I have the most respect for people who stick up for their beliefs in a polite manner, flaunt your beliefs like lady gaga wears bubbles, obnoxiously, and I don't have respect for you. No need to convert me or get angry at me if I'm happy with my own beliefs.

9. I tend to love people more than I should. I'm bitchy and a bully sometimes because I'm afraid of someone else doing that to me. I also laugh a lot because of that too. Which leads into...

10. I believe you have to laugh at yourself. If you can't find the humor in it, then life will be dreadfully boring. Especially sex. Sex is funny people.

11. I miss my room at home so much that I printed out a sheet of lime green paper (color of my walls at home) and stare at it when I'm alone in my dorm room. It's weird calling my dorm, "home," since I've only lived here 2 months and lived in Fishkill for 18 years.

12. I cry when I see animals dead on the side of the road. No joke. Poor squirrels. :(

13. I want a tattoo on my back with the Alanis Morissette lyrics "Everytime I scratch my nails down someone else's back I hope you feel it." But won't cause if I get married I'll feel bad that my husband will have to be reminded that I was hurt by someone.

14. I want to give up at least year of my life in service to the world. Specifically an organization like Invisible Children, Peace Corps, or CYFM.

15. My biggest goal of life is to be happy. If I'm happy as a music therapist than that is what I shall be. If I'm happy as a vocal performance major, that that is what I'll do. IF I'm happy with both, then by golly, I'll be a double major.

Peace and positivity.

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your blog name
Day 03- A recent picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero/fictional character and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about WordPress and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Who are you?

NOTE: pic wouldn't upload so you'll have to deal or visit my facebook. k? K.

A realization.

I can't remember a time where I wasn't self conscious about my height, weight, shape, and overall size.

Now, that may be a strong statement to start this blog entry off, considering I haven't blogged in a hell of a long time, but it's the truth and I want to admit it. I'm coming clean. I'm throwing out the old and horrid ways and wrapping myself in a warm blanket of new and unfamiliar. Which is Exciting, actually. Notice how I capitalize the exciting :p.

As I was taking my Saturday morning shower, after an intense and fun night in Philly, I've come to realize how coping mechanisms can really hurt you in the end. What do you mean by this, Carolyn? Well! What I mean is, back in the pre-adolescent days of glasses, acne, bad haircuts, braces, and baby fat, I was a victim of bullying. It was pretty bad, as I was taunted and teased, being called "a boy," the "grossest girl ever," "fat ass," "pig (followed by an oink)," "loser," and most commonly, "so weird." After a long time of these painful taunts, I began to make "I don't care what anyone else thinks" as my philosophy and way of life, something that would only add to the fuel of my eating disorder. When the battle ignited, I chose to ignore again that I was "too thin" this time, and instead believed that I was the most beautiful girl in the world because of my thin-ness. I didn't believe that being "too thin" could make me sick or hurt others when it only involved myself. But it did. See, everything must be in moderation, otherwise someone is "fat, too thin, or even too healthy" that it restrains your potential to live fully and enjoy every moment.

So now you're wondering, what are her thoughts on her present body situation. Sure, I have my struggles, but I'm aiming to find the beauty in each part of myself, as each situation I go through presents itself to me as a challenge. But challenges are meaningful parts of life.

What I'm getting at, I think, is that I have my doubts, but so does everyone. All I know now is to not limit myself to "I don't care what others say" but rather, I'll take their opinions in stride and make my own opinions on myself based on my reality and not the fantasy of my eccentric and somewhat insane mind.

Back to reality, which can sometimes suck,

Peace and Positivity,

Carolyn

Back to that old site, but for good.

Confession time: I used to be obsessed with a calorie counting website to the point where if a forum said not to eat something, I wouldn't. Well, I put a post up a while ago aka junior year and remembered of it this night. I thought I'd share it with y'all since I haven't posted in a while and have been slacking. Comments are needed for this and it's imput.

The media really puts pressure on teens to look a certain way and to act a certain way. They show pictures of emaciated models and label them pretty, well honestly, even those models don't look that "Perfect" in real life as the media also retouches their pictures. So, what does this mean for us teens? PERFECTION is NOT real. Say that. "I do NOT have to feel like I must obtain, strive for, seek, and/or need "PERFECTION"!!! <--sorry i'm very passionate about this as a recovering ED and depression victim.

So, I want to help you from whatever situation you are in in life. Whatever obstacle it may be, just remember that is one microscopic speck in the ENTIRETY of your life.

Now please know how amazing, different, incredible each one of us are!! Take the time to think of your talents, and qualities you like in yourself especially when you're feeling in the dumps. Trust me, I've had quite a lot of those times in my life. Actually, there are probably more sad times than happy in my life but that's why one should count the blessings they are given.

So, here's where you can respond. :P I kinda wrote a lot but I'm very enthusiastic hehe. List the things you like about yourself. Come on, just do it, brag a little.

Okay, I'll start. I love my posture, hair, height (at times), athletic, acting and singing abilities, my outgoingness, my smile and teeth, kindness, attitude on life, musical abilities, my pride, my individuality, my personal beliefs and politics, and my hands and feet. :p

Try it. Afterwords, you'll feel great. Trust me.