Lessons&Resolutions (just your stereotypical new years' eve)

Not to be sentimental at all but here are a few of the many things that I've learned this year:

Letting Go is oh so important.

Lies spread like wildfire.

I don't have a gnome down under, if you know what I mean. ;)

Graduating high school doesn't give you entitlement, it just makes you more confused.

I love The L Word and Freaks and Geeks.

If they mess with you, give em hell. Or you could forgive and forget. Either is an option pending on how much sleep you have.

Tomorrow doesn't know what's coming.

I have met the greatest people EVER in college.

I love singing more than anything else.

Confidence makes you SEXY.

Red lipstick/makeup also helps as a confidence booster.

Be nice to the earth.

Karma is like that bitchy best friend who will always come to you at the most inconvenient times.

Chipped, blue nailpolish has been on my fingertips all year.

Playing the Ukulele, I feel most connected to the world. It's the realest feeling, I've had.

Most important thing I've learned: Carpe Diem.

And now for resolutions:
Same old, same old.
And: Be free to be ME . The me I want to be.
Sing a new song-Each day. If you can't sing it, cause you can't find it in existance already; write it.
Learn to bend a little or you will break.
Don't search for love, let it find you.

A realization.

I can't remember a time where I wasn't self conscious about my height, weight, shape, and overall size.

Now, that may be a strong statement to start this blog entry off, considering I haven't blogged in a hell of a long time, but it's the truth and I want to admit it. I'm coming clean. I'm throwing out the old and horrid ways and wrapping myself in a warm blanket of new and unfamiliar. Which is Exciting, actually. Notice how I capitalize the exciting :p.

As I was taking my Saturday morning shower, after an intense and fun night in Philly, I've come to realize how coping mechanisms can really hurt you in the end. What do you mean by this, Carolyn? Well! What I mean is, back in the pre-adolescent days of glasses, acne, bad haircuts, braces, and baby fat, I was a victim of bullying. It was pretty bad, as I was taunted and teased, being called "a boy," the "grossest girl ever," "fat ass," "pig (followed by an oink)," "loser," and most commonly, "so weird." After a long time of these painful taunts, I began to make "I don't care what anyone else thinks" as my philosophy and way of life, something that would only add to the fuel of my eating disorder. When the battle ignited, I chose to ignore again that I was "too thin" this time, and instead believed that I was the most beautiful girl in the world because of my thin-ness. I didn't believe that being "too thin" could make me sick or hurt others when it only involved myself. But it did. See, everything must be in moderation, otherwise someone is "fat, too thin, or even too healthy" that it restrains your potential to live fully and enjoy every moment.

So now you're wondering, what are her thoughts on her present body situation. Sure, I have my struggles, but I'm aiming to find the beauty in each part of myself, as each situation I go through presents itself to me as a challenge. But challenges are meaningful parts of life.

What I'm getting at, I think, is that I have my doubts, but so does everyone. All I know now is to not limit myself to "I don't care what others say" but rather, I'll take their opinions in stride and make my own opinions on myself based on my reality and not the fantasy of my eccentric and somewhat insane mind.

Back to reality, which can sometimes suck,

Peace and Positivity,

Carolyn

Back to that old site, but for good.

Confession time: I used to be obsessed with a calorie counting website to the point where if a forum said not to eat something, I wouldn't. Well, I put a post up a while ago aka junior year and remembered of it this night. I thought I'd share it with y'all since I haven't posted in a while and have been slacking. Comments are needed for this and it's imput.

The media really puts pressure on teens to look a certain way and to act a certain way. They show pictures of emaciated models and label them pretty, well honestly, even those models don't look that "Perfect" in real life as the media also retouches their pictures. So, what does this mean for us teens? PERFECTION is NOT real. Say that. "I do NOT have to feel like I must obtain, strive for, seek, and/or need "PERFECTION"!!! <--sorry i'm very passionate about this as a recovering ED and depression victim.

So, I want to help you from whatever situation you are in in life. Whatever obstacle it may be, just remember that is one microscopic speck in the ENTIRETY of your life.

Now please know how amazing, different, incredible each one of us are!! Take the time to think of your talents, and qualities you like in yourself especially when you're feeling in the dumps. Trust me, I've had quite a lot of those times in my life. Actually, there are probably more sad times than happy in my life but that's why one should count the blessings they are given.

So, here's where you can respond. :P I kinda wrote a lot but I'm very enthusiastic hehe. List the things you like about yourself. Come on, just do it, brag a little.

Okay, I'll start. I love my posture, hair, height (at times), athletic, acting and singing abilities, my outgoingness, my smile and teeth, kindness, attitude on life, musical abilities, my pride, my individuality, my personal beliefs and politics, and my hands and feet. :p

Try it. Afterwords, you'll feel great. Trust me.

A Trek Through Doctors' Offices for The Holy Grail of a Low Fat Blueberry Muffin

Hoorah. 

I don't know why I just said that, for I feel like saying anything other than that. 

Background info to this story: Having had a chronic headache since graduation, and waking up with body aches and fatigue this morning, my mommy suggests seeing the doctor for treatment. 

Story: Now, with another type of doctor appointment already scheduled for this day, the total hours expected to be in a doctor's office would be 2 instead of 1. But, knowing these doctors' offices, that was a way too optimistic outlook. 5 hours were spent waiting and being poked and prodded in total from the 2 appointments. Oh joy. 

     Well, in the first waiting room, I got the beautiful yet annoying crave for, you guessed it, a low fat blueberry muffin. Why a low fat one? Because a girl's conscience of ingesting oodles of calories in a delicious, bakery treat can be salvaged if something is titled, "Low Fat." Not only was that a requirement of this muffin I desired, but it must be one from Dunkin Donuts. My mind is a strange place. So, at the doctor's office I waited, patiently, so that I could go and buy this gift of mankind. 

     With the fear of mono in toe, I arrive to my second appointment: the pediatrician, yes I still go to that for I am a child forever. The doctor plays off my illness as either a virus or sinus infection. Pills were prescribed which I then had to bring to the pharmacy..yada yada yada. 

     Still, I waited for the muffin. 

     Now, there are a lot, emphasis on A LOT, of Dunkin Donuts in my area, spread semi far apart from each other yet in a relatively close enough area. So, I decide to wait for this beast of a muffin as a reward for after I gave in my prescription. Tummy growls loudly here since I hadn't eaten since 9 and it was 3:30, and this is a long time, coming from the girl who eats 4 small meals a day. Luckily enough, the pharmacy and Dunkin Donuts are awfully close. It would seem that karma is on my side. So, I bring the prescription in as the guy barks off to me that, 'it'll take ten minutes,' in a creepily similar tone to the guy on the phone of the Chinese takeout place..hmm. There I leave my soon-to-be meds, and off I go to the closest Dunkin Donuts. Upon arrival at the DD, I have a twinge of pain which only happens when I sense something bad is going to happen, and boy does it happen!

     Not only did the boy at the counter seem clueless to his position, as I had to tap him for his attention, but informs me in his cap pulled over his eyes and unstylish Dunkin outfit, that they DO NOT have a low fat blueberry muffin, only a regular full-fattened one, and could I, would I just buy that instead? WHAT?! Pandemonium. No, I respond but at this point my stomach is crying in anguish from being deprived.  

     If I had been my normal, confident, flirtatious, beautified and outgoing self, <--LOL,  at that moment, I would have flashed him my smirk and batted my eyelashes and asked would he go in the back to see if there were any low fat blueberry muffins available? But, I was just an un-showered, sickly, and sweatpants-wearing girl with desperately-needed-to-be-tweezed-eyebrows. Therefore, I said nothing. 

     So what is a girl with a growling stomach to do, instead, but buy an eggwhite flatbread sandwhich at this fine establishment? Honestly, if you were in my case, you'd buy one too. I didn't have my usual go-getter attitude so I just sacrificed for the good of the...wait, what the hell was I sacrificing for?! I'm sick, dammit! So, I quickly eat the unsatisfying goodness of the sandwich, pick up my prescription, and decide that I AM getting my low fat blueberry muffin. 

    This adventure takes me back to where I started from, near the initial doctor's office. Boo. What a waste of gas, an economical junkie would say. But Carolyn Thorn's brain was saying, Show me the Muffin!! Into the drive-in I proceed, and Hallelujah, a LOW FAT blueberry muffin is given in exchange for a $1.45. Praise the Lord. Amen. 

     I think there is something erotic and magnificent about a low fat blueberry muffin. I can't quite put my finger of it but I know the qualities are there. If I was to worship a food, besides the baked potato of course, this one would take the cake, win the prize, beat out all the others. Or maybe, just maybe, that is just my cravings talking. 

Happy Tuesday! 

Poker Faces, Phones, People, Pasts

   Alright, here I am. I don't recognize this place but I definitely have a sense that I've been here before. Now, I'm standing in a hallway filled with doors. All are locked but I have the keys, and I can only open one. Hands clenching, I ponder, why only one door? Why not two, three, or four? Do I choose the one closest to me or the one furthest away? The one who's door has all the answers or the one who's path will lead me to the answers.

   Alright, here I am. I wonder if you ever think of me; you probably do. But your poker face masks your feelings-oh so well. I still think of you, sadly. But not with anger or pride, but instead with a nostalgic pull at those memories. 

           Alright, enough of that sap. The tree has more to offer like leaves, twigs, and shade. Oh, it's also beautiful. Did I fail to mention its beauty? How rude of me, the tree is very vain so I suppose I'll mention it has the key to my heart. 

    Alright, I know I'm not making sense. I make sense to me though, and I guess that's all that matters. Poor Eleanor Rigby, such lonely people. You're not outdated, or forgotten. You're just under-appreciated. I appreciate you though. Thanks for your existence!  Kudos on just plummeting through the vast sea, like an otter or penguin, delving fast and far into the unknown. You would do that. I envy you for that. I couldn't even open a damn door. 

An Atypical Rant on Society and Teenage Dating

How does society go from eloquently, well thought out phrases and stanzas to profess one's love, with pages of ink splattering, intense and frenzied writing to now just a text message saying, "Heyyy," or worse, the "waz up?" conversation starter? I believe that if a guy wants to court me, he'll have to work at it. It will be a process that takes patience and persistance. Obviously, this will sort out the ones who truly care from the ones who just like my appearance. The end of high school is fast approaching (17 days!!! but hey, who's counting? :p) and I am very excited for the future. I can't wait til I can run again. Damn ankle. Running seems to be something so incredible to me so let's pray that my ankle makes a speedy recovery. 

         As I write this, it's like I am talking to someone in my head; how incredible. The brain perplexes me as it's such a miraculous instrument. 

I noticed also today that people LOVE to feel like another, at least one other person, "gets" them. As a culture, being alone is seen with a bad connotation, making one feel deserted and misunderstood. I, on the other hand, love being difficult, different, and unique, yet have my share of doubts every once in a while, especially on nights like tonight. Send me positive love. 

Snowfall kind of love

       As much as I love snow, I dislike this obscene amount of it. I mean, a little covering or blanket is beautiful but this, these 14 inches and counting is a cloud of doom! Outside is no longer a winter wonderland but an abyss of agony. I mean, I love being in my house with my family and snow days are delightful but cabin fever is definitely setting in right now at 6:15. I just want to go out. Not in the snow cause I already did that today to shovel and make a snowman (that failed) but go out instead to the mall or somewhere. Anywhere.  I miss the summer for numerous reasons which shall go unsaid. 

Anyway, I've spent a lot of time on the computer today...a little too much time. I must be going insane from some chemical in the brain I mean the computer haha. 

Quote of the day: "When you spent your entire life with someone and they start to die, and you feel that severing, you do things without thinking because what you have to face is so unthinkable." ~From How to Make an American Quilt It was a fantastic movie; watch it. 

Use Somebody

Look at me;Or my picture; For five seconds if you dare... Now, I'm petrified You are looking into my soul... or, just my face? Hmm. Well, I'm tired hence the craziness of this. I'm pretty stoked for DDA. What is DDA, you ask?? 

Life changing. The end. 

http://www.givesmehope.com/ Check it out...This website-Gives me hope. 

Christmas Hopes

Merry Christmas! 

I've recently read so many inspiring things that I thought I would share them ALL with you and my own story as I have neglected to share that with you. 

Before that, Let me wish you all a beautiful and relaxing day...and I have been accepted to College of St. Rose and PACE University in NYC, so far. Yippee! :) Dreams do come true. 

Now here is my story, I hope to inspire as I have been inspired on this glorious day!

     In the ninth grade and tenth, I battled a major conflict between myself, an eating disorder, and societies’ expectations on the typical ideal of beauty. All my childhood years I had been seen as the chubby one; the girl who wasn’t extraordinarily good-looking but always kind and outgoing. It led to taunting by others and even having no friends for a while. When I got to the ninth grade, I made the decision to lose weight--by any means possible. At first my weight loss process had been calm, as it fell in step with my daily life activities. Slowly, the calorie counting, the need for controlling the healthy meals I would eat, and the hour-and-a-half-daily exercise began to take over my entire life.

     It’s one of those things that you read about in magazines, that you never believe would ever take over your life, heart, soul, mind, and identity. I measured everything I ate, and thought that I was eating enough, I truly believed that. Even when the doctors and everyone around me, screamed at me that I had Anorexia Nervosa, I believed that I was just living a healthy lifestyle. It’s just something I got caught into, until it became the complete focus of my brain, the desperation of every breath I took, the very thing that was slowly killing me, yet I would Not, Could Not live without. Eventually, deep down inside I knew I was an exercise anorexic and lied to everyone about my eating patterns. My diet mantra continued for a while until I became very sick and was told that I would die if I continued to lose anymore weight.  I grew farther and farther away from everyone, including my own self. I went from 160 pounds, at a height of 5 foot 10, to 110 pounds...in less than a year. Yet I believed that I was “perfect,” although never fully satisfied with my weight. I agreed to start gaining weight when they told me that I had no estrogen in my body, meaning that I almost stopped the chances of ever having a child. My menstrual cycle completely stopped. I was not, in my mind, a normal girl anymore. It was very difficult for me to gain weight, with my fast-burning metabolism and the feeling that I constantly had to shove food in my mouth and I became deeply saddened at the thought of losing my “perfect” image that society had thrust upon me. Being tall and skinny and beautiful became my identity. I relied on my looks, read less than ever before and even chose exercising at the gym over doing my homework. 

      The transition from that moment to who I am now--confident, strong, smart, independent, beautiful (inside and outside), and healthy--took more courage and effort than anything else I have accomplished in my life, as I battled the hardest of my life, my own mind. Surviving not only helped me to appreciate life, as I was so close to death, but granted me an opportunity to truly understand the power of one’s own mind, whether for good purposes or bad. 

I hope this finds you all well...Here are some other websites that have inspired me to inspire you. 

www.givesmehope.com

http://www.healthytippingpoint.com/

http://operationbeautiful.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKPaxD61lwo&feature=player_embedded

Merry Christmas to all and to ALL a good night :)

Love, 

Carolyn