Don't wanna let go, let go, let go of you...

The "you" in that title represents my former self. I could care less about my past relationships cause they are in the PAST. Although, each one has helped to shape me into the person I am today...
ANYWAY, Currently, I am listening to Sara Barielles' new album, listening to "Good Enough" by Bess Rogers, eating Yoplait's light yogurt, and procrastinating the wrapping of the finale christmas presents for TOMORROW. Tomorrow? That seems so close yet so far. I'd like to see if I did, indeed, get a new ukulele. Because if I didn't I might explode since I left Mark at school. Which means, I've only had Betsy to entertain me. Oh yea, Betsy is my guitar if you didn't get that.'

Oh, and now my mama bought me a candle so I'm watching that flame. Anything is more interesting than doing what I'm supposed to. Actually, I do enjoy watching flames, that might have something to do with the fact that I'm a minor pyro.
"I'm an ocean, you're the rain."
Listen to First Aid Kit...they be rockin my brain and my itunes.

Also, random though again. THIS FLAME IS SO COOL.
No, I'm not under the influence of anything but this flame.

I was hoping to make this post meaningful but since my thoughts are so scattered I'll have to try again later.
Now, for creativity. In wrapping. Fail.

Merry Eve of Christmas.
Why doesn't Adam get a day?

Smother me with Christmas Cookies

I think I'm officially pooped...and the cookies aren't even decorated yet. Actually, scratch that, I AM utterly exhausted. When I agreed, unconsciously, to make cookies today with my nieces, I was not aware of what that really meant. After melting butter, cracking eggs, and adding the powder to make the dough actually become dough, I had to use oodles of flour to get the stickiness from my hands and off the pan. Three and a half hours later, I finally finished cleaning up the kitchen since it has to be spotless for the arrival of family and clean enough for Mama to come home to.

Oh and I just remembered that sometime between now and the actual day of Christmas I have to finish shopping and wrap all of these presents. When is Christmas again? Oh yea, four days. Splendid.
This holiday is more stressful than it's all cracked to be. For what? A few hours of family togetherness and wrapping paper strewn into pieces all on the floor and to feed ourselves into oblivion? Awesome. I also believe I'm in the middle of a sugar coma right now...too much frosting in my system.

Mission accomplished, I guess. The sun just set and I'm still not wearing a bra nor have I showered. I also think I've worn this shirt to bed for three days which isn't bad, but considering I was in it for most of the day today, it's grotesque. Not at ALL burlesque as I so desire to be, every minute of everyday. Haha just joshin y'all. All I desire, right now, is to record "Die Alone" and finish the music video I started yesterday. That's a hint of what's to come.

Started baking: 1:00pm
Ended: 4:53pm
Phew.

Peace and positivity, my Carolyn Thorn enthusiasts.

Home equals Christmas

I know I'm home during Christmas when there are cookies everywhere. We never have cookies here and yet they surround me, choke me even. Which is also totally fine by me, especially with all the Christmas books, tree, lights, and other holiday goodies as a constant reminder for my family's reason for the season. I also think that seeing little socks made for two year olds are the cutest things ever.
It's weird to be home and not be expected to go to class. Or to be expected to get things done.
It's weird when I realize that I've been away for four months and come back and almost nothing yet everything has changed. Weird right?
Makes one think about things more closely.
Alright, now I'ma get ready to go and see Black Swan.
To Do for tomorrow:
Make list for Christmas.
Shop.
Visit friends.
Repeat...

Fixing a hole

Hello all, 

Now we all suffer from the after holidays fullness and depressed mindset; Aka, I've eaten so much these past days I could explode and there are no more presents to be opened :( Sad face. Well, I am surprisingly happy whilst the rest of you, my readers, are sad. Would you like to know my secret? Well, I'd share that if I knew! When I find out, if I find out I'll let you all know. 

Enjoy this time of rest and relaxation and family and friends, and indulge. You have a whole 'nother year to make up for those calories. :) At least that's what I'm telling myself. 

In the meantime I'm keeping busy with This is Not a Book. Look it up. It's an incredible journey.

Christmas Hopes

Merry Christmas! 

I've recently read so many inspiring things that I thought I would share them ALL with you and my own story as I have neglected to share that with you. 

Before that, Let me wish you all a beautiful and relaxing day...and I have been accepted to College of St. Rose and PACE University in NYC, so far. Yippee! :) Dreams do come true. 

Now here is my story, I hope to inspire as I have been inspired on this glorious day!

     In the ninth grade and tenth, I battled a major conflict between myself, an eating disorder, and societies’ expectations on the typical ideal of beauty. All my childhood years I had been seen as the chubby one; the girl who wasn’t extraordinarily good-looking but always kind and outgoing. It led to taunting by others and even having no friends for a while. When I got to the ninth grade, I made the decision to lose weight--by any means possible. At first my weight loss process had been calm, as it fell in step with my daily life activities. Slowly, the calorie counting, the need for controlling the healthy meals I would eat, and the hour-and-a-half-daily exercise began to take over my entire life.

     It’s one of those things that you read about in magazines, that you never believe would ever take over your life, heart, soul, mind, and identity. I measured everything I ate, and thought that I was eating enough, I truly believed that. Even when the doctors and everyone around me, screamed at me that I had Anorexia Nervosa, I believed that I was just living a healthy lifestyle. It’s just something I got caught into, until it became the complete focus of my brain, the desperation of every breath I took, the very thing that was slowly killing me, yet I would Not, Could Not live without. Eventually, deep down inside I knew I was an exercise anorexic and lied to everyone about my eating patterns. My diet mantra continued for a while until I became very sick and was told that I would die if I continued to lose anymore weight.  I grew farther and farther away from everyone, including my own self. I went from 160 pounds, at a height of 5 foot 10, to 110 pounds...in less than a year. Yet I believed that I was “perfect,” although never fully satisfied with my weight. I agreed to start gaining weight when they told me that I had no estrogen in my body, meaning that I almost stopped the chances of ever having a child. My menstrual cycle completely stopped. I was not, in my mind, a normal girl anymore. It was very difficult for me to gain weight, with my fast-burning metabolism and the feeling that I constantly had to shove food in my mouth and I became deeply saddened at the thought of losing my “perfect” image that society had thrust upon me. Being tall and skinny and beautiful became my identity. I relied on my looks, read less than ever before and even chose exercising at the gym over doing my homework. 

      The transition from that moment to who I am now--confident, strong, smart, independent, beautiful (inside and outside), and healthy--took more courage and effort than anything else I have accomplished in my life, as I battled the hardest of my life, my own mind. Surviving not only helped me to appreciate life, as I was so close to death, but granted me an opportunity to truly understand the power of one’s own mind, whether for good purposes or bad. 

I hope this finds you all well...Here are some other websites that have inspired me to inspire you. 

www.givesmehope.com

http://www.healthytippingpoint.com/

http://operationbeautiful.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKPaxD61lwo&feature=player_embedded

Merry Christmas to all and to ALL a good night :)

Love, 

Carolyn

We are Family...

Today I ran 4 miles in 40 minutes, a major accomplishment for me as I always tend to run slower on the treadmill than when I am running on the track. Besides that, 

IT IS SNOWING! :) Finally, it seems like Christmas time. I love snow--the smell, sight, and cold feeling totally makes my heart smile. 

My family is also ALL here. Loving the time I get to spend with them and the fact that Tricia and Jack travelled all the way here to see my play makes me feel so special. 

Update:

Still working on my college stuff- two supplements left. They're nasty. :p 

Other than that, I love not being ridiculously busy, it gives me more time for myself and others and less time to feel upset/anxious. It was a tough week for me in that respect, but I survived thankfully. Imagine if I didn't survive...then I would not have this sensational overwhelming loving feeling I am experiencing. Amen sista girl. Now I shall go spend more time with family. :)

<3

Wow.

First off, HAPPY FIRST DAY OF THE 25 Days of Christmas! 

I'm not sure if anyone reads my blog, but a friend told me she was so HELLO Soulmate. :) 

I have started a holiday project to get my mindset into the "season," in which I will take a photo a day of hot chocolate (drinking it as well, of course) until the actual holiday. If you want to follow my project, friend me on facebook and look at my album entitled, "26 Days of Christmas" and yes that is not a typo of the number since I started yesterday. On Christmas I will create a surprise for the big day. Sounds juvenile? Well, yes, but I believe that's where all the fun comes from. 

PS. I'm just going to point out that my blogging intention is a way to express myself. So, that's my disclosure if you will. :p

On towards today's agenda/topic: College Essay Numero Dos 

Dun, dun, DUNNN! 

It's scary, I know. There isn't any real reason for this to be any more challenging for me, but I believe I have a mental brick wall that is limiting my creativity in that essay. And boy do I need creativity. Another prospective reason as to why I'm so afeard of the ___Essay Question is because ___ is my first choice school. I just fell in love with it the moment I heard of it, knowing that's where I want to be. Plus, visiting was an amazing experience. So, how do I express this feeling or desperation without stating it?! (I'm not naming it because if I don't get in or end up there I might seem a little silly, so we'll leave this open ended.)

Any thoughts on what I could write about for personal achievements after college?

All for now. :)

All You Need is Love/ All I want for Christmas

An AP Music Theory project led me to this song, again. As it is a favorite of mine, but now I can't possibly get it out of my head. 

I haven't substantially blogged in a pretty decent amount of time so I suppose it's time to get this ball rolling again. Hope you all had a fantastic Thanksgiving. And now for a checklist update on my minor accomplishments so far:

College Applications Complete: Check

Cleaned room: Check

College Essay: Check

Supplements: Two and a half left! :)

English 3 week Essay: not so check. 

Gym Training: CHECK! 

Reading oodles of books everyday: CHECKKKKK. 

Lots of accomplishments: Priceless. 

No matter how minor they may seem, they sure mean a lot to me as all were stresses on my daily life. Proscenium seems to be the major stressor now, but that's not something I can change slightly without it becoming a major issue. I'm at a place in my life where I am OK. Finally. 

Body image, update: I'm slender and slim, not skinny, and I am OKAY with that. I need to stop trying to be something I'm not, and this goes for everyone I believe. Be comfortable in your own skin, stand tall (haha), strong, and confident. 

Now for another update or new news I should say. 

All I want for Christmas is Cash or checks made out to Carolyn Thorn. I am donating all my Christmas money to Invisible Children. If you Must get me a present then please go to the Invisible Children's website and but something like a bracelet for me. The profit still goes to the cause I'm supporting this holiday season. I have received so many beautiful presents over the years and now I want to give back, I do not need anything besides acceptance letters (keep fingers crossed) and tuition money and You dear friends and family cannot provide this for me as much as you would love to. And I really appreciate your efforts to. But let's be reasonable and compassionate this Holiday Season and help me donate all my money over Christmas to Invisible Children. Peace is the most important gift on Earth. Amen.