A reminder of why I'm a musician:

Today, I played The Way I Am on ukulele in Music Therapy Experiences class despite being sick. The assignment was to bring a song of significant value to you and of course I had to choose an Ingrid Michaelson song, to choose anything else would not have done justice to my musical tastes. Anyway, we each had to play our chosen song as a solo, and then as a group we would play it again, this time with the rest of the class on different instruments backing us (the soloist) up.

Side note: I never usually get nervous when performing. Sometimes, I try my best to be humble and give others a shot at the spotlight ,hence my hesitancy to perform alone at times. I’d never want to make anyone uncomfortable because of my talent.

But today, something was different: I was nervous. Maybe it was because I am sick or maybe it’s on account of I hadn’t practiced this song before class but, something made me nervous to play this. Then I realized, it’s because the words…I used to take the song as a promise to a lover or as a promise to a friend but what I was really using it for, today at least, was a promise to myself. I will take myself “the way I am.” And that’s simply all I can do. I’m done trying to explain myself in terms of my sexuality because I’m so much more than that. I don’t have to figure that out right now because I’ll continuously grow and learn about myself along the way. I’m a person with so many feelings other than lust and shallow needs/wants. I have hopes and dreams and plans.

When it came time to have everyone back me up, let’s just say that it was magical. I don’t think I’ve ever heard such a beautiful version of this song when the people were harmonizing with me as they listened. Someone played piano, someone sang harmony, someone played a clarinet, others percussion…My classmates may not know me well but they truly listened to what I was doing and made it into something even more beautiful. Which as silly and poetic as it sounds, demonstrated to me how I must not only rely on myself but let other people love me “The way I am” to make me shine and become more lovely with the help of those around me. Or I could totally be overanalyzing this. Either way:

“Music is what feelings sound like.”

Now, I'm getting ready to do the opening number for a dear friend's senior voice recital. Not only do I feel honored that she asked me to perform a silly ukulele song at such an important beginning of her classical career, but I feel blessed to have her--this incredibly talented, beautiful, kind, and gentle young woman--as a friend, mentor, and someone I know will be in my life for a long time.
"I've never known a musician who regretted being one. Whatever deceptions life may have in store for you, music itself is not going to let you down." ~Virgil Thomson

Travel Back

So it goes.
It's my last night in my room at home before I embark in round two of the crazy adventure that is college and I am more than excited to return. Of course, I am reflecting on my life's past moments and future career while listening to some light, melodic lines made possible by Ingrid Michaelson.

I was just thinking how I never really want to be "just a singer." Like, if I was ever given the chance to be in a recording studio and record my own work, I'd want to be part of the WHOLE process rather than just the singing/performing. I'd want to play ukulele, help mix it, and help insure that the product is something that is true to the intention of the music. I'm more than just a pretty face that can be publicized and sold and I need to remember that. If I'm ever in a band, I wouldn't want to just be the lead singer, I'd wanna play an instrument, count off AND sing.

You may say that this sounds greedy, but what I believe it's all in my yearning to learn and grow and flourish and become the best in everything I can be. And that strong want, that is what I believe is greedy in my dream. But tell me, who's dream isn't greedy?

I guess what I'm trying to say is the one thing I need to keep in mind is that I can never box myself into one aspect whether it be singing, psychology, ukulele, writing, acting. If I only do one thing, well, that is not how I dreamed my dream. My dreams are more complex than any sentences can hold. And isn't that the beauty of it? The magical part of that is how my dream is not tangible whatsoever at this point in my life, but as I keep striving, I know I'll be able to feel it's warmth and bask in my personal glory. One day.

And then, maybe, I'll travel back to this moment now, in my mind, and smile a contented smile.

Peace and positivity,
ct

Don't wanna let go, let go, let go of you...

The "you" in that title represents my former self. I could care less about my past relationships cause they are in the PAST. Although, each one has helped to shape me into the person I am today...
ANYWAY, Currently, I am listening to Sara Barielles' new album, listening to "Good Enough" by Bess Rogers, eating Yoplait's light yogurt, and procrastinating the wrapping of the finale christmas presents for TOMORROW. Tomorrow? That seems so close yet so far. I'd like to see if I did, indeed, get a new ukulele. Because if I didn't I might explode since I left Mark at school. Which means, I've only had Betsy to entertain me. Oh yea, Betsy is my guitar if you didn't get that.'

Oh, and now my mama bought me a candle so I'm watching that flame. Anything is more interesting than doing what I'm supposed to. Actually, I do enjoy watching flames, that might have something to do with the fact that I'm a minor pyro.
"I'm an ocean, you're the rain."
Listen to First Aid Kit...they be rockin my brain and my itunes.

Also, random though again. THIS FLAME IS SO COOL.
No, I'm not under the influence of anything but this flame.

I was hoping to make this post meaningful but since my thoughts are so scattered I'll have to try again later.
Now, for creativity. In wrapping. Fail.

Merry Eve of Christmas.
Why doesn't Adam get a day?

I think the city seems so cold, maybe it's too cool...

Day 10billion- Songs you listen to when you are Happy and Sad
HAPPY?: Tire Swing, Let's Dance to Joy Division, Just Dance, Peacock, Firework, My Life Would Suck Without You, Black Horse and the Cherry Tree, Boysboysboys, There She Goes, Killer Queen, Bicycle, any show tunes, Parachutes, Ingrid.

SAD?: Opera, or heavy metal, or Ingrid, or Creep, The Point of No return, Purple Rain..
I listen to a hell of a lot more, I chose to include these songs on here cause I just hit the recently played button on my Ipod aka I'm lazy :p

Listening to some sappy songs and enjoying the day. Woot. Happy Monday, fools.
Oh yea, it's a fun world we live in. and I forgot it was a Monday.. Me and my memory. Insane.

Make me smile and you've got my heart, but watch out, with caution proceed.

Die alone..

Oh Ingrid Michaelson, seriously, stealing the words from my mouth. Not that that is a bad thing, in fact it's good cause now I know I'm not the only one in the world having these thoughts/feelings. 

     I've decided I want to discover one new song everyday. And I still desperately need a way to make some dough, and not the literal kind cause I've eaten enough this week. haha. Alright, so someone need a PA? (Personal Assistant-for you unhip hipsters). Oh boy, stay away from me, I'm a bit insane at the moment since I just took my LAST test for my high school career. It was a beastly test, and included physics, or rather was about physics. Damn. "I am a lady in spain, I'll sing a haunting refrain," Ingrid! Oh man!

      Let's seeee, plans for the day besides doing some ME time? Meditating, eating lunch, fixing my hair, teach myself the guitar, come up with a melody, going to CYFM- all in a day's work of the life of Carolyn Thorn. It sure is an intriguing one, even to myself. 

      Oh, and for those of you that remember me discussing my scrapbook of my life for my English final project: I got a 100. Yes, that is full credit for my 3 weeks full of work. :) Happiness is a fantastic emotion, the culmination of numerous events making for one heck of a smile. And a true smile in fact. 

I've found love...

     So I'm involved with two beauties. They are called Eat Pray Love and Girl, Interrupted. Oh wait, you thought I meant a boy? Nope. Obviously I meant books, cause they're my true loves and until someone can change that for me, that is how it will remain and I am overly fine with that fact. 

     I spent a good deal of my evening reading Girl, Interrupted as it just captured me in and wouldn't let me go! I started reading Eat Pray Love first, but realized that I should get through the hard stuff of my past so that I can truly be free to enjoy the experience of the book. What other way is greater than reading about all those mental disorders than reading them in a heartbreakingly witty book by Susana Kaysen? :) 

Alright, plan for today: go to church, walk, read some more, go see INGRID MICHAELSON perform. I'm so blessed to have that as part of my schedule for today. Thank God! 

Happiness is not just two kinds of ice cream, it's the whole combination of ice cream and cone. 

Most Musical Superlative

As of recently, I've become genuinely happy. Filled with the sort of infectious happiness that I used to envy- ALL the time. :)

I don't dwell on my mistakes yet move on and grow from them. Although I may still constantly wonder if I will find my soulmate sometime on this earth, I still am enjoying life as it comes. 

Now for the most exciting news..

I'm most musical for senior superlatives with Makenzie and Harrison :D

Yay for the little world in my head.