Under My Thumb

Good morning, GOOD morning, Or afternoon; Whichever you prefer. Today is Tuesday, and there are only 2 days left of this year, and what a year it was. I'm positively enthused and excited to see what 2010 brings. It'll definitely be better than this past year. 

   So, I was looking through my notes of 2009 and thought I would finish a segment I started writing :)

A Retouched World

Look inside a magazine, at a TV commercial, a billboard and what do you see? What kind of image is the media throwing at you? A picture of a smiling, exceedingly skinny yet extremely curvy woman with long legs, definitive muscles and an unnatural glow of a tan, staring back at you, coercing you to buy the product she’s flaunting. Maybe she is even accompanied by an equally gorgeous man, with broad, ripped shoulders and a six pack that makes every woman (and guy for that matter) stare with envy. Photo retouchers for magazines spend over 12 hours on a photograph, fixing each and every minor imperfection that connects the photo to its reality. No wonder 42% of 1st-3rd grade girls want to be thinner. At such a young age, has this appearance obsessed society corrupted and stolen their youth? Maybe. Just maybe. Astonishingly enough, 1 out of 4 women, this doesn't include men, have some type of distorted eating patterns. Now, this must not be good for our culture that is trying to focus on our health rather than our weight. 

  Recently, many famous celebrities have "come out" with tales of their own experiences with ED,(Their eating disorders). Whether this is good or bad, what can we do to prevent the terror of every parent, having their child develop some sort of mental illness, is to focus on our positive qualities rather than the negative, living each day as a walking and talking positive example of health. 

~Carolyn Thorn

Fixing a hole

Hello all, 

Now we all suffer from the after holidays fullness and depressed mindset; Aka, I've eaten so much these past days I could explode and there are no more presents to be opened :( Sad face. Well, I am surprisingly happy whilst the rest of you, my readers, are sad. Would you like to know my secret? Well, I'd share that if I knew! When I find out, if I find out I'll let you all know. 

Enjoy this time of rest and relaxation and family and friends, and indulge. You have a whole 'nother year to make up for those calories. :) At least that's what I'm telling myself. 

In the meantime I'm keeping busy with This is Not a Book. Look it up. It's an incredible journey.

Christmas Hopes

Merry Christmas! 

I've recently read so many inspiring things that I thought I would share them ALL with you and my own story as I have neglected to share that with you. 

Before that, Let me wish you all a beautiful and relaxing day...and I have been accepted to College of St. Rose and PACE University in NYC, so far. Yippee! :) Dreams do come true. 

Now here is my story, I hope to inspire as I have been inspired on this glorious day!

     In the ninth grade and tenth, I battled a major conflict between myself, an eating disorder, and societies’ expectations on the typical ideal of beauty. All my childhood years I had been seen as the chubby one; the girl who wasn’t extraordinarily good-looking but always kind and outgoing. It led to taunting by others and even having no friends for a while. When I got to the ninth grade, I made the decision to lose weight--by any means possible. At first my weight loss process had been calm, as it fell in step with my daily life activities. Slowly, the calorie counting, the need for controlling the healthy meals I would eat, and the hour-and-a-half-daily exercise began to take over my entire life.

     It’s one of those things that you read about in magazines, that you never believe would ever take over your life, heart, soul, mind, and identity. I measured everything I ate, and thought that I was eating enough, I truly believed that. Even when the doctors and everyone around me, screamed at me that I had Anorexia Nervosa, I believed that I was just living a healthy lifestyle. It’s just something I got caught into, until it became the complete focus of my brain, the desperation of every breath I took, the very thing that was slowly killing me, yet I would Not, Could Not live without. Eventually, deep down inside I knew I was an exercise anorexic and lied to everyone about my eating patterns. My diet mantra continued for a while until I became very sick and was told that I would die if I continued to lose anymore weight.  I grew farther and farther away from everyone, including my own self. I went from 160 pounds, at a height of 5 foot 10, to 110 pounds...in less than a year. Yet I believed that I was “perfect,” although never fully satisfied with my weight. I agreed to start gaining weight when they told me that I had no estrogen in my body, meaning that I almost stopped the chances of ever having a child. My menstrual cycle completely stopped. I was not, in my mind, a normal girl anymore. It was very difficult for me to gain weight, with my fast-burning metabolism and the feeling that I constantly had to shove food in my mouth and I became deeply saddened at the thought of losing my “perfect” image that society had thrust upon me. Being tall and skinny and beautiful became my identity. I relied on my looks, read less than ever before and even chose exercising at the gym over doing my homework. 

      The transition from that moment to who I am now--confident, strong, smart, independent, beautiful (inside and outside), and healthy--took more courage and effort than anything else I have accomplished in my life, as I battled the hardest of my life, my own mind. Surviving not only helped me to appreciate life, as I was so close to death, but granted me an opportunity to truly understand the power of one’s own mind, whether for good purposes or bad. 

I hope this finds you all well...Here are some other websites that have inspired me to inspire you. 

www.givesmehope.com

http://www.healthytippingpoint.com/

http://operationbeautiful.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKPaxD61lwo&feature=player_embedded

Merry Christmas to all and to ALL a good night :)

Love, 

Carolyn

Sickness...it's a virtue?

Here I am for the third day, stuck at home with the flu. Although I am a billion times better than Monday night, I still can't help but feel bored, tired, lightheaded, and sick. I miss my friends, my family, school, and even dun dun DUNN the insane amount of stuff I'm used to participating in. Oh well, thankfully yesterday was a snow day so I won't be missing quite as much work. I will, however, be back to school on Monday! Yippee! 

Due to my wobbly stomach, I haven't been able to drink hot chocolate or continue with my 26 days of Christmas celebration project but in due time I shalt return to it. For now, pictures of the winter wonderland will have to suffice as my appearance is not swell enough to be photographed-there's not enough photo shopping in the world that could fix this mess. :p

Anyway, sending all my love and prayers and I thank you all who have prayed for me during the tragic night of Monday into Tuesday as they were pretty brutal for me. Oh silly immune system; let's not go through this again. Alrighty, needing more sleep again along with finishing Frankenstein for school. :) 

Ps, remember kiddies to stay healthy, this one isn't a pretty thing!! And it's also not easy being green...

Most Musical Superlative

As of recently, I've become genuinely happy. Filled with the sort of infectious happiness that I used to envy- ALL the time. :)

I don't dwell on my mistakes yet move on and grow from them. Although I may still constantly wonder if I will find my soulmate sometime on this earth, I still am enjoying life as it comes. 

Now for the most exciting news..

I'm most musical for senior superlatives with Makenzie and Harrison :D

Yay for the little world in my head. 

We are Family...

Today I ran 4 miles in 40 minutes, a major accomplishment for me as I always tend to run slower on the treadmill than when I am running on the track. Besides that, 

IT IS SNOWING! :) Finally, it seems like Christmas time. I love snow--the smell, sight, and cold feeling totally makes my heart smile. 

My family is also ALL here. Loving the time I get to spend with them and the fact that Tricia and Jack travelled all the way here to see my play makes me feel so special. 

Update:

Still working on my college stuff- two supplements left. They're nasty. :p 

Other than that, I love not being ridiculously busy, it gives me more time for myself and others and less time to feel upset/anxious. It was a tough week for me in that respect, but I survived thankfully. Imagine if I didn't survive...then I would not have this sensational overwhelming loving feeling I am experiencing. Amen sista girl. Now I shall go spend more time with family. :)

<3

Go Go Go Go GO.....now, relax.

Ever have a really stressful and busy week that seems like one long continuous run on sentence? Well, this week has been it for me. 

But I am proud to say I survived, with only a few scratches on the way. 

And now, I am relaxing *insert a deep breath* until tonight. :p

Watching Gilmore Girls makes me happy inside! 

Running, running, running! See my brain can't keep one sane thought for a long time at once. 

That's alright. Be back when I fall over from exhaustion.

Wow.

First off, HAPPY FIRST DAY OF THE 25 Days of Christmas! 

I'm not sure if anyone reads my blog, but a friend told me she was so HELLO Soulmate. :) 

I have started a holiday project to get my mindset into the "season," in which I will take a photo a day of hot chocolate (drinking it as well, of course) until the actual holiday. If you want to follow my project, friend me on facebook and look at my album entitled, "26 Days of Christmas" and yes that is not a typo of the number since I started yesterday. On Christmas I will create a surprise for the big day. Sounds juvenile? Well, yes, but I believe that's where all the fun comes from. 

PS. I'm just going to point out that my blogging intention is a way to express myself. So, that's my disclosure if you will. :p

On towards today's agenda/topic: College Essay Numero Dos 

Dun, dun, DUNNN! 

It's scary, I know. There isn't any real reason for this to be any more challenging for me, but I believe I have a mental brick wall that is limiting my creativity in that essay. And boy do I need creativity. Another prospective reason as to why I'm so afeard of the ___Essay Question is because ___ is my first choice school. I just fell in love with it the moment I heard of it, knowing that's where I want to be. Plus, visiting was an amazing experience. So, how do I express this feeling or desperation without stating it?! (I'm not naming it because if I don't get in or end up there I might seem a little silly, so we'll leave this open ended.)

Any thoughts on what I could write about for personal achievements after college?

All for now. :)